Dating Basics 101

Trafford Publishing

Contents

Preface.........................................................................ixChapter 1. This Book Above All Others...........................................1Chapter 2. Cognitive Appraisals and You.........................................6Chapter 3. How to Have and Show the Right Attitude..............................14Chapter 4. Cognitive Appraisals and You, Part 2.................................27Chapter 5. What to Say and How to Say It........................................34Chapter 6. The Keys to the Kingdom: Communication...............................38Chapter 7. Pick-up Facts, Tips, and Tactics.....................................52Chapter 8. Making the Date......................................................66Chapter 9. Planting the Seeds of Love and Lust..................................79Chapter 10. Where to Get a Date and Where to Take Your Date.....................84Chapter 11. How to Make Out and What Happens After..............................98Chapter 12. Romance.............................................................111Chapter 13. Cheating............................................................118Chapter 14. Specialty Topics of Interest........................................124Chapter 15. Putting It All Together.............................................139

Chapter One

"If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading." ~Lao Tzu

A General Warning

I like the above quote because it basically means you might not like where you are heading if you don't change things up a bit. In a perfect world, you could easily meet someone who doesn't have any hang-ups like the ones I listed above. In a perfect world, you could meet someone, have this instant connection, and just fall in love because you are soul mates. The problem is, and I think you will agree, that it's not a perfect world. The truth is you have to get out there and figure out who you are and what kind of person you're looking for. The fact is there are nearly seven billion people on this planet and not everyone meets someone to fall in love. I am even willing to bet there is a pretty high number of people who die without ever having sex, much less finding love in a short-term or lifelong relationship. Don't let yourself unwittingly and unwillingly become one of these people.

Dating is hard, for men especially. Even the ugliest girl can get laid by a decent-looking guy if there's enough alcohol in him. But what happens when we reverse the story? The ugly guy is going to have to buy a lot of drinks and hope that the girl's friends don't keep him from getting her. Dating is hard, and nice guys normally finish last. Worse, the nice guys not only finish last but often get stepped on, used, and disrespected by women who don't respect them. The number one reason this happens is because those nice guys often don't respect themselves. Let's say that women don't mean to be mean or to tease nice guys. Let's say sometimes a woman is just not a very sexual person, afraid of sex, or uncomfortable with her body. Believe it or not, there are people out there who don't like sex at all! Then there are the dirty, underhanded things people do. Perhaps she is just going out with you while she waits for someone better to come along or for her current boyfriend to get back to town. Perhaps she intends to introduce you to her boyfriend to make him jealous (this has happened to me more than once). Perhaps she says she wants to be your friend (translation: you buy everything) but the second you try to express your feelings or make a move on her she's gone like the Road Runner in a puff of smoke, and so is your so-called friendship.

Situations like these are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to problems in dating. Perhaps you ask her out but she's afraid of looking cheap and wants you to ask one more time. Another possible issue is that women, like men, can have low self-esteem, leading them to dump you because they don't feel able to be in relationship with nice guys or think you're cheating on them. So they go for the jerks or bums that treat them like they feel.

The psychology of the human mind, our personalities and how we interact, and what we expect from other people, particularly in relationships, is extremely complex. Other reasons that doom a meaningful relationship include, but are not limited to, people being drug addicts, heavy drinkers, gold diggers looking for the bigger better deal (also known as the BBD), and/or women looking to get married (because it is what society or the church expects of them). It could even be that a woman is afraid to get married and so dating a nice marrying guy is out of the question. Perhaps she just wants to get back at her parents, and bringing home a nice guy isn't going to do that. Perhaps life has been hard on her and she is emotionally unavailable. Whatever the possible reason, the bottom line is that girls, like men, have their hang-ups. Those hang-ups often get in the way of love.

I didn't major in philosophy; I can't tell you what love is. Is it something that develops out of lust? Out of playing the game? Or is it something else? Is love that instant connection you have when you see someone? Is it a choice we make like picking out some item in a store—we just pick one and go with it? Is it about settling, being happy with what you have and compromising on those little things that bug us about the person we're with?

Once you've had your fill of love and/or lust, I think you will find yourself in a place to decide for yourself what love is for you. What I can tell you is that if you believe and feel that you love someone, and she loves you back equally or greater, and if you feel a soulful connection without having to put up with mind games, then be smart. Don't do anything to let her down or hurt her if you can help it. A relationship like that is typically a once in a lifetime find. You will recognize that kind of relationship in part when the person you love tells you what she is thinking and feeling without any hesitation and when she takes good care of you, asking for very little or nothing in return.

What we're going to do is teach you how to get past your issues and, most importantly, how to get past hers so you can get what you both want. That is right I said: both. Both you and your future lady (and just about every person on the plant) want to date, fall in love, and be happy. With this in mind, some of the stuff you're about to learn can be seen as underhanded and/or manipulative, but the truth is it's not. It's just not, and I will defend this no matter how hard someone tries to argue against it. The bottom line in my mind is that people want to be treated in a particular way in life and in certain situations. Some other people have defensive walls that are so high and so thick that no man could ever climb them or break them down. The alternative is to simply go around them or dig under them. What you are going to learn is something that everyone should learn and know that applies to nearly all people in all situations. While this book addresses so many aspects of dating, one major goal of the book is to teach you how to date...