Those Blasted Butterflies

It all started my second-grade year. His name was Carlos.

I knew virtually nothing about him, other than that he was a really good tetherball player and liked to keep his dark hair high and tight. But he had dimples. The dimples are what did me in. My elementary school–aged heart was all aflutter while I waited in line to play tetherball at recess. I was actually glad when he broke his arm because it meant I got to sign his cast. (How twisted is that?) I noticed whenever he got up to sharpen his pencil, and when his name wasn't called during attendance, I was sincerely disappointed. I don't remember him ever speaking, actually, let alone talking to me. Come to think of it, he may not have known English. But his silence didn't deter me. I was smitten.

Ridiculous, I know. But even more ridiculous is that it didn't end in the second grade. After Carlos came Jordan and Ronnie, Cody and John, Chad, Mirage, Randy, Jake ... the list goes on and on. We're talking double-digit crushes before I even got to high school. It's not pretty.

I didn't know it then, but I was a budding crushaholic. What's a crushaholic? you might ask. Great question. Other than it being a word I completely made up (you'll find I tend to do that), a crushaholic is someone who can't seem to go for more than a couple of months, weeks, or maybe even days without having romantic feelings for someone. And most girls born in the past quarter century seem to fit into this category. Whether falling for a friend from school or smitten with a Hollywood hottie, a crushaholic has a hard time not having a "like" in her life. And those likes usually translate into boyfriends whenever the object of her affection actually likes her back.

To be honest, I went through most of my life not realizing the permanent damage being done to my heart by all those likes and, eventually, relationships. At the time, it seemed so natural and unavoidable to like someone—kind of like breathing, or dying, or blushing when you realize you've just said something completely idiotic. It may have seemed unavoidable and natural, but now I know better. And I hope I can help you see a better way too.

The truth is our crushes are crushing us. We're letting our relationship status define our identities. We're letting guys and society tell us who we should be, and we're bending over backward to become what we think some guy will want. And the weight of all our flitting affections, the broken hearts, jealousy, breakups, betrayals, and let-downs, the longing for someone we can't have, and the scars left from having relationships we shouldn't be in—they're taking a toll.

We're being crushed by the weight of our own affections.

The dating-go-round—the cycle of crush, date, break up, crush on someone else—that seems so natural in our society ends up crippling us emotionally. Unless you break free and are willing to challenge the dating "norm," your heart may be pretty mangled by the time you give it to the man God has for you to marry someday. (Or, if you don't get married, the dating-go-round could leave you with a broken, bitter heart for a companion.) Even more devastating, all the crushes and dysfunctional relationships with guys are stealing our hearts from the One who should be the center of our lives now, today, in this moment.

The good news is there's a better way. That's what this book is all about: finding out that God has given us a way to love that doesn't include letting guys make or break us. The God who made you and delights in you wants more for you than to rise and fall with each passing relationship. I want more for you than that! I'm sure you do too.

I hope you'll be willing to discover that "better way" together by digging into God's Word and taking some time to get to the, ahem, heart of the matter in your own life. My hope for you, as we walk through these pages together, is that you'll find out who you are and how to find contentment in who God is. I hope you'll dream with me about what kind of relationship you want to have someday and figure out a game plan to glorify God with your life in the meantime. And I hope you'll find that it is, in fact, possible to make it through life without getting your heart crushed by the weight of your own affections and relationships with those (mighty fine) members of the opposite sex.

Profile of a Crush

At the risk of sounding painfully elementary, let's tackle first things first: What is a crush, anyway?

The more I've thought about that word, the more curious it sounds. The dictionary defines crush primarily in terms of "pound," "destroy," and "oppress." (Ironic, huh? Not that any of us have ever felt pounded by emotions, destroyed by rejection, or oppressed by other girls who like the same guy, right?) Nope, the puppy love variety of crush gets just one out of nine definitions for the word.

crush \'kresh\ noun : an intense and usually passing infatuation; also : the object of infatuation.

If I could be so bold as to challenge the sacred tome of wisdom also known as Webster's, I'd expect to see a little more ink given to this great plight of young adulthood. I mean, come on now—that's it? What about the butterflies, longing, and sometimes all-around obsession for someone who may or may not know you exist? Show a little empathy, Webby! Besides, I don't know how "passing" most crushes are. Some can last years. But there you have it: the crush. It doesn't matter if you're six or sixty—the chance of being pounded, destroyed, and oppressed by bashful blue eyes seems to remain the same.

Most people will tell you that crushes aren't dangerous. They're pretty much expected from girls as young as elementary school. Our favorite TV stars have them, our big sisters have them, our BFFs have them. "Liking" someone is almost a rite of passage in our culture these days—just part of growing up—kind of like pimples, tampons, and a high school diploma. And why not? Crushes are harmless, right?

I wish they were. Really, I do. The butterflies and hoping and dreaming and scheming can be fun! But after thirteen years of flitting from crush to crush before I wised up, I'm here to tell you that a crush (and especially a crush addiction) can come with serious side effects.

But what's so dangerous about having a crush? To answer that question, we're going to have to ask another one first.

Queens of Hearts

Let me ask you this: What makes us have those crush feelings for guys? Why do we get the butterflies, the sweaty palms, the "please-oh-please notice me" rush of emotions?

Obviously, God made...