Research and common sense indicate that engaged couples will eventually have stronger, more successful marriages if they get good premarital counseling. Many churches now require such counseling, yet many Christian couples still enter marriage without that preparation. Countdown for Couples will fill that void. It will help couples learn about each other, and themselves individually, as well as their relational skills and compatibility as a couple.

Countdown for Couples

PREPARING FOR THE ADVENTURE OF MARRIAGEBy Dale Mathis Susan Mathis

Tyndale House Publishers Inc.

Copyright © 2008 Dale and Susan Mathis
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-58997-485-2

Contents

Acknowledgments...................................................................................xiPreface: Getting Started..........................................................................11 A Marriage of Three: What's God's View of Love and Marriage?....................................72 Ready or Not: Are You Ready for a Lifelong Commitment?..........................................193 Surviving or Thriving: How Do You Meet Each Other's Needs?......................................374 Great Expectations: What Should You Expect in Your Marriage?....................................515 Beautifully Different: Can Your Differences Be Gifts from God?..................................636 Loving Communication: How Do You Express Love?..................................................777 Rules of Engagement: How Do You Fight Fair?.....................................................938 Let's Make Cents: How Do You Navigate Your Financial Life?......................................1119 A Productive Partnership: How Do You Handle the Nitty-Gritty of Daily Life?.....................13110 The Intimate Mystery: What's God's Design for Sexual Intimacy?.................................14311 It's a Family Affair: Why Is Family Such a Challenge?..........................................15712 The Great Adventure: What Do You Do with the Rest of Your Life Together?.......................171Notes.............................................................................................183Recommended Resources.............................................................................187

Chapter One

A Marriage of Three

What's God's View of Love and Marriage?

I [Susan] was so excited. Dale and I had driven to Estes Park, Colorado, to get away and visit some friends. We sat gazing at the beautiful mountains, asking question after question of each other and discussing the possibility of our future together. Before considering marriage, we had promised to reveal our thoughts, fears, goals, and needs to each other completely.

After our time in the mountains, every night for several weeks Dale and I went through lists we'd made of things we wanted to know about each other-everything from how we were raised to finances to roles and goals to expectations and pet peeves to sex and health issues to our relationships with God, and so much more.

As adults, we had both been single for more than a decade. We'd been deeply hurt by our earlier failed relationships, and we worried that we might not be able to be successful in the future. Although we had tried to learn all we could about love, relationships, and God's plan for marriage, being open and honest with each other made us feel very vulnerable. We realized that this kind of openness could make or break our budding relationship. But we also decided that without complete honesty, we'd both be marrying a person we didn't really know.

We realized that we needed to start by establishing a solid foundation for our relationship.

Scripture says, "Where there is no vision, the people perish" (Proverbs 29:18, KJV). In addition to talking through important topics and sharing our feelings with each other, we discovered a principle we want to share with you: The best way to begin planning for your future together is by deciding now what your vision is for your marriage.

What did this look like for us? Dale and I agreed that our vision was to live the message of Jesus Christ's redeeming love through our relationship. By caring for each other physically, emotionally, spiritually, and every other way, we wanted to create a fully intimate and inspiring relationship that could show our children and grandchildren, family, and friends the beauty and promise of God's plan for marriage.

Every couple's vision will be different, of course, but a clear vision for your marriage will guide, inspire, and motivate you as you grow through the stresses of life. When you have a positive and exciting vision for life together, you can work toward that goal, even when times are tough.

A vision for your marriage goes far beyond just learning and practicing relationship skills. Understanding God's perspective is critical to the success of your marriage.

God has given us that vision in His Word. He has given us His definition of love, His blueprint for covenant commitment, and His grace-filled plan for marriage.

Let's take a closer look at God's design for marriage.

The Very First Marriage

When God created the first marriage between Adam and Eve, He said it wasn't good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18). Why? Because we're all made in His image, the image of a completely relational God-Father, Son, and Holy Spirit who work together unselfishly for the good of humankind and for God's purposes. Because we were created to be like Him, there's an inner yearning for that same deep, intimate relationship.

Adam and Eve exemplified the deepest, most intimate relationship as a couple. Scripture says they were naked and not ashamed (Genesis 2:25), not just in a physical, sexual way, but, we think, they were "naked" emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually as well. They were vulnerable with each other. From the very first married couple, we see that marriage is taking two unique people and uniting their souls and bodies for a common purpose, for the rest of their lives.

What Is Marriage?

Marriage is the legal, social, and spiritual contract between a man and a woman. It's a covenant agreement made before God. It's a commitment to each other-a pledge to live together, to serve each other, and to remain faithful to one another. Marriage is also God's way of showing His love for us, showing His marriage plan to the world, and helping us become more like Him.

Socially, marriage is a public contract that says "We are one" as we share our lives with others. Emotionally, it's being vulnerable, transparent, and honest with each other as with no one else. Intellectually, it's sharing our thoughts, opinions, and desires with each other. Physically, it's everything from a tender kiss to passionate sexual intercourse. Spiritually, it's praying together, worshiping together, and growing together in our faith.

Marriage is about working on our character; extending love, grace, and forgiveness to each other; and growing through our mistakes. None of us is perfect, and understanding and accepting this up front is important. We are all works in progress. When we see marriages fail, we sometimes think those marriages must have been mistakes. But remember, marriage is taking two imperfect people and putting them in a committed relationship so they can safely grow and mature together as they work on their imperfections and problems. It's about giving, helping, trusting, forgiving, caring, learning, and living through the ups and downs of life.

What Is Love?

If marriage is a picture of God's love for us as well as an opportunity to show love to each other, it's imperative that we have a good understanding of what love is. But how can we define love?

A good place to start is the Bible. The Love Chapter is 1 Corinthians 13. You've probably heard it before. But what does it really say? Let's look at verses 4-8.

Love is patient, love is kind. It...