CONSCIOUS COOPERATION

iUniverse, Inc.

Contents

Introduction..........................................................................viiChapter One The Roots of "Conscious Cooperation"......................................1Chapter Two Key Questions and Statements..............................................11Chapter Three Where Does It Hurt?.....................................................22Chapter Four Going Deeper to Improve Construction Relationships.......................40Chapter Five Wearing New Shoes........................................................63Chapter Six Commitment................................................................72Chapter Seven Use Your Personal Radar.................................................79Chapter Eight Go Team.................................................................85Chapter Nine Don't Leave it to a Handshake Alone......................................93Chapter Ten Money.....................................................................100Chapter Eleven The Life-Changing Side of Construction.................................113Chapter Twelve Mediation and Arbitration..............................................119Chapter Thirteen Be Yourself..........................................................125Chapter Fourteen Exploring the Depths of Conscious Cooperation........................128Chapter Fifteen In Conclusion (Bringing Out the Best in Yourself).....................168

Chapter One

A seventy-two year old man called me several years ago to ask if I could review a partially completed renovation project at his house. He wanted me to estimate the value of the work completed to date, estimate the value of the remainder left to finish, and assess the quality of the work done so far.

During the course of my time with him he said to me about the builder, "I may be old, but I really want to hurt this guy. I have hurt people before, and I am ready to do it to him." I did not doubt him at all. Yet I told him I was hoping he could contain himself, and maybe telling me the whole story would help relieve some of the pressure inside him.

How did a seventy-two-year old man get to such a drastic position?

The story was awful. According to this man, the builder kept saying he needed more money over and above the estimated contract. He left previously remodeled sections of the house unprotected from violent storms, causing ruin, and the whole thing had been dragging on for about two years and was still uncompleted. The entire project should have taken several months. When I met the man, he had already paid the builder more than twice the amount of the original contract, aside from valid extras that were mutually accepted. He also said that the builder demanded money for windows he never actually ordered for the customer.

I asked him how he could have let things get to this state. He said that his wife had been very ill, as had her father, who may have passed away; I do not remember all the details now. The point is, he said that the emotional and health crises were pretty overwhelming, and he kept fearing that if he did not continue to give the builder the money he asked for, the builder would quit, leaving him in even more of a mess.

He said the builder had continual stories and excuses and tried to turn it all around to seeming as though all the conflict was the customer's fault. The house was located by the ocean, and the builder kept telling his customer that his house was worth a pile of money because of the location, so what did he have to complain about!

I really felt for the guy. Not only had he experienced emotional and financial nightmares with his project, in addition I had to honestly tell him that some of the work done was not very good.

That was one horror story from the property owner side of the construction relationship. Here is a story from a builder:

Several years ago the main lumberyard that I use for my building supplies agreed to put on an evening for me with their most valued commercial customers. It ended up being a pretty high-powered group. I knew most of the builders who came to the evening. Some I invited personally. The one who gave me the most resistance did come, but he told me he did not want to come if I was just trying to sell something.

I assured him that the evening was for the guys who came; they would be the stars of the show. What I was looking for was how the contractors who attended the evening were doing with their relationships in their construction businesses; what was working, what was not, and what were they needing or looking for. What was their main source of pain, and what might help?

After introductions and a quick delivery on what the evening was about, the builder who finally really broke the ice in open discussion was the one who gave me the resistance about attending. He spoke for about fifteen minutes about a customer from Heck. This builder is honorable. I have known him for years. He is highly motivated and conscientious. He is good with people. He has a friendly personality. He does careful work.

He said that his customer (I believe an attorney from New York) acted displeased no matter what he did and would not pay money legitimately owed. Whatever their agreements were about finishing final details, the customer always said he was displeased and came up with new demands. The builder was at his wit's end. He clearly experienced some relief simply sharing this awfully painful story with us. Then, at the end of the evening he said, "Hey, this meeting was great! I hope we can continue having them!" I felt for him, as did I think everyone in the room.

There are horror stories on both "sides"—construction people and property owners. You will see that what I contend, and offer training in, is not only that there do not have to be firmly defined "sides," but that holding to such a stance can greatly harm the chances of success for any given project. In general, builders frequently are considered to be on an ethical level equivalent to the oft-maligned car sales people. Right or wrong, this rating is not very high, to say the least. There are strong impressions and attitudes that construction people just cannot be trusted, and that if you stop standing over them for one minute they will take advantage when there is the slightest opening.

Conversely, many builders have stories of misery they have experienced working with certain customers that seem to make them look like the poor victims of scheming, dishonest, rotten property owners. I am sure that sometimes this is the case, but have found over time that the truth generally lies in a place where there is not an evil demon on either side forever tormenting the utterly innocent one on the other side.

The truth is usually somewhere in the middle. The way we see things may be heavily colored by our upbringing and our world experience. We get messages imprinted into our minds that often put an unintentional spin on daily events and predispose us to react in a particular way, which may be pretty far off the mark. Aren't you amazed sometimes at how someone gets from point A to point B in their mind, when you can see nothing at all that led to that journey?

A simple case in point:

When I was finishing college in the Boston, MA area, I drove a cab for the Cambridge Yellow Cab Company. One day I picked up an older woman for a...