How Emotional Abuse Happens and How It Feels

Introduction to the Story of Susan and Jack

Emotional abuse is sneaky, cumulative, and dangerous. Its tentacles wrap around you when you get involved with someone who has a deep-seated need to control you.

Let's say you're a woman who gets involved with a man. He piques your interest with his charm, looks, and ingenuity. He pursues you with an intensity you've never experienced. He makes you feel loved and special. You are certain he has the character traits you've searched for in a life partner. You return his love and feel hopeful about your future together.

Like tiny snowballs rolling downhill that cause an avalanche, indicators appear early in the relationship, but you ignore them. If you don't, he explains them away. He may falsely accuse you of cheating. He may scold you for not spending enough time with him. He may tell you he needs a partner who "has his back," and you're not living up to the job. You are confused when he makes you feel like an idiot without actually saying the word. You doubt yourself when he discounts your feelings and says you are too sensitive. You think you need to improve yourself, because according to him, you are the problem. But the more you do to earn his love, the less secure you feel in the relationship.

What you don't realize is that your lover has zeroed in on your psychological weak spots. He is taking advantage of your vulnerability to break you down and mold you into a person who meets his unwholesome wants and wishes. An overriding need to dominate others, and possibly a sense of entitlement, drives his abusive behavior, but he's indifferent to your feelings.

Regardless of his motivation, he is like a spider that catches prey in its web and paralyzes the prey before eating it. He disarms your ability to defend yourself and consumes bits and pieces of you for his own gratification.

His arsenal consists of power plays, deception, denial, invalidation, ridicule, and contradiction. These powerful weapons distort your reality, break down your intuition and judgment, and make you even more susceptible to his tactics. They cause you to feel self-doubt, shame, and guilt, and rob you of your ability to think and act spontaneously, as you would normally. Stress and anxiety envelope you, and depression creeps in.

In an effort to restore the relationship to its former glory, you think and behave in ways that contribute to the abuse. You go against your principles and put your self-respect on the line, because your only objective is to win back his love.

When with friends and family, you enter a silent conspiracy with your abusive partner to smooth over the turbulence in your relationship. Even if you want to disclose what's happening, you can't explain it. You are left alone and vulnerable to an insidious force that ravages you from the inside out as you struggle to define, or even identify, the cause.

You either disappear into the murky undertow of your union or find the strength to pull your weakened self out of the relationship. Unless you understand the whats, hows, and whys of the experience that caused you exquisite pain, you fall back into the same quagmire with another abusive partner.

Read on to see how emotional abuse happens in the story of Susan and Jack. The story is a compilation that is drawn from the true experiences of emotional abuse survivors, but the names and circumstances have been changed to protect identities.

Jack uses at least fifty-two emotional abuse tactics on Susan. Most are hidden, but Susan is unsure of even the most obvious tactics, because she sees Jack as a man who loves her and would never intentionally harm her.

Jack's abuse is particularly damaging to Susan because she is deeply conflicted about why she feels anguish, and she struggles to understand who is at fault for the strife in their marriage. She experiences twenty-six emotional abuse effects and contributors.

After you read the story, refer to the listed page numbers to read about the abuse tactics, effects, and contributors in the story. You will see how Jack's tactics increase his control over Susan by chipping away at her self-esteem and how she unknowingly contributes to his abuse.

As you learn the language of emotional abuse, you can write your own story. When you revisit your memories, you may gain clarity about your reasons for getting involved with an emotional abuser and why you stayed in a relationship so damaging to your sense of self-worth. Many of us who have been in emotionally abusive relationships know that recognition of abuse tactics, their effects, and how we contribute to the abuse, even in hindsight, is essential to end abuse and heal from the experience. Refer to page 203 for an invitation to share your story.

The Story of Susan and Jack

A familiar wave of heat rose from the pit of Susan's stomach and flushed her face with humiliation. She paused to collect herself and managed to smile at friends gathered around her dining room table. "Excuse me. I ... uh ... I'll be right back," she stammered as she turned away. She hurried down the hallway, slipped into the bathroom, and locked herself in.

Susan's tears brimmed and spilled down her cheeks. She questioned herself. Why can't I be clever enough to think of a witty retort when Jack puts me down? He said it was just a joke.

Susan had worked for two days to delight her friends with a gourmet meal and prove her culinary skills to Jack. He waited until she began to serve dinner, the crucial moment when his remark would hurt her most. "Poor Susan," he said. "She tries her best to cook, but unfortunately, she just doesn't have it. Eat at your own risk." He sneered.

The remark played over and over in her head, punctuated by Jack's usual response when his "jokes" upset her. "You're too sensitive. Don't take things so seriously."

Susan and Jack had become inseparable three years earlier when she met him through her work. His charm, intelligence, and sense of humor wooed her on their first date. Susan's interest in Jack grew as he showered her with gifts and attention. He made her feel special.

Jack impressed her with his openness when he disclosed that his "crazy" ex-wife had cheated on him multiple times. He stood by his ex-wife until his misery forced him to divorce her, but he supported her financially because he didn't want to cause her hardship. "What a decent guy," Susan gushed to her friends.

Optimism, persistence, and enthusiasm for accommodating others were among Susan's best...