Braving Time is a vividly frank, absorbing account of a teenager on the edge of womanhood as she faces loss of her loved ones through death, mental illness, and physical displacement, and how it challenged her feeling of being held safe and connected to those she held dear in the world. This memoir expresses a universal theme of how we, as humans, internalize such losses, desperately wanting to find someone to fill the gap-someone to love us deeply, unconditionally; to lead us out of the dark night. We do not see that these lessons are here for us to learn to live authentically, self-reliantly, and with integrity. The elixir will be when we can trust in ourselves to take good care of our own self (our inner child), to rediscover who we truly are in our own right, and then to revive our essential self. This brings us into healthy connection/belongingness with others, and toward wholeness. This is not a story of wholeness-that would wait for another time. Rather, this is a story of resilience.

Braving Time

Finding the Way BackBy Bonnie L. Collins

Balboa Press

Copyright © 2012 Bonnie L. Collins
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4525-5638-3

Contents

Preface...................................................ixPart 1....................................................1Prologue (October 1955)...................................31. Ominous Winter (February 22, 1963).....................72. Wilderness.............................................133. The Sale...............................................194. Unearthed..............................................245. Somewhere in the "Nethersphere"........................296. Torrid Summer..........................................357. Lasting Effects (July 1963)............................408. Mom and Me (August 1963)...............................479. Spanish Lessons (Fall 1963)............................5210. Some Days Are Diamonds................................5711. Dying to Belong.......................................6512. The Chemistry of History..............................7513. December 1963.........................................7914. Beatlemania!..........................................89Part 2....................................................9315. Meeting Mike..........................................9516. Dating................................................11217. Driving Lessons.......................................11618. Making Amends.........................................12219. Summer Passions (1964)................................12520. Senior Year Begins (1964).............................13121. Happy Seventeenth Birthday............................13322. Ghosts of Christmas...................................14123. Dark Night of Winter (1965)...........................14524. Shock Treatment.......................................15325. Reckless Times........................................16326. Love Language (April 1965)............................16827. High School Graduation (1965).........................17428. Independence Day (Summer 1965)........................178Part 3....................................................18129. Off to College (1966).................................18330. College Life..........................................18931. The Voice in the Letter...............................19432. A Visit with Mom......................................19733. A Bright Future?......................................20434. The Draft.............................................21235. Preparing for Someone Special.........................21936. News from Cam Ranh Bay................................22337. Life Is Sketchy.......................................22738. The Letter............................................23739. Open Secrets..........................................24240. Adjustments...........................................24841. Giving Birth..........................................251Epilogue..................................................257Afterword.................................................263Acknowledgments...........................................265About the Author..........................................267

Chapter One

Ominous Winter (February 22, 1963)

The school bus ground to a stop at the cinder road. My heart danced in jittery excitement as I dropped the foot or so off the bus to cross the main road, RR 147, to the cinder road and ran the thirty yards home.

The gravel crunched under my feet as I hurried toward the house. Soon I'd have my dad back! Our life would finally return to normal. All day, I could think of nothing else. In fact, for the past four weeks, having Dad home with us again was almost all I thought about. Now, finally, it was happening. I could barely wait to wrap my arms around him to welcome him. Would he already be there, or would we make the twenty-five-mile trip to bring him home?

Just the thought of having Dad home again filled me with joy! Oh, Dad, I can't wait to hug you, to tell you about French class! I need help in algebra. Even though you never had algebra, I know you can help me figure it out. My mind spoke to him as though he were standing right in front of me. My heart flooded with delight.

Due to his back surgery, he probably wouldn't be able to work his regular job as a machinist in the shoe factory, plow and plant the fields, or fix other people's cars—at least not right away. Still, life would mostly return to normal. Mom and I just wanted him home.

A shard of bright February sun pierced a high cloud, striking my eyes and temporarily blinding me. Squinting, bracing myself against the cold, and hugging my books, I bunched my coat collar close at the neck for warmth.

Dad's gray and white 1956 Pontiac rested near the old crabapple tree the same as it had for the month he'd been in the hospital. Even though our car was now seven years old, I really liked it. But Dad had been talking about getting a new one for a while now.

I noticed the trees, too, because I really loved trees, all kinds. Emptied of their leaves, they appeared stark, peaceful, still.

What a relief to be here now—to be home.

Dropping my books on the brown laminate kitchen table, I draped my coat over the back of a chair and strode toward our living room to answer the clanging telephone.

As I lifted the black receiver to my ear, I was surprised to hear our physician's brawny voice.

"This is Dr. Raub."

"Hi," I replied with wonderment. I stared at the telephone base unit resting on the unfinished pine desk.

The sound of the furnace kicked in, heightening my awareness of how quiet the house felt. The only other sound was the wheeze of Dr. Raub's breath into the phone line. Maybe I should call Mom to the phone ... but then the doctor's familiar voice troubled the silence.

"I'm very sorry to be calling, but I have some terrible news for you and your mother—just terrible news." Dr. Raub paused for a breath; then words spilled forth along with his out breath. "Today your father had a heart attack. It was very bad, in fact fatal."

Fatal? My brain repeated the word as a silent question. I resisted equating fatal with dead. But ... we would be bringing him home this evening ... he'd been there a month getting well.

"A blood clot from the operation broke loose, hitting his heart and lungs, causing an instantaneous and fatal heart attack," Dr. Raub continued. "I'm sorry."

Doc Raub's words echoed wildly in my brain without finding a place to land.

"Mom!" I called out urgently, realizing that we had not yet said "hello" to one another since breakfast, "Come to the phone right away!"

Sensing alarm in my voice, she arrived within seconds; I passed the black receiver to her.

"Uh ... hello?" Her salted black hair blurred with the dark receiver.

Was it really true? My thoughts raced together with my heart. I watched my mother as she cradled the phone, then slumped forward, grasping the raw wood of the unfinished desk with her free hand. Her breath thumped out of her.

"Oh ..." Her voice faded as she mechanically returned the receiver to its cradle.

She said not another word.

"Is he d ... ead?" I asked, even though I knew.

"Yes," she replied, barely moving or breathing. Her face was gray like cast stone.

Mom and I stood staring at one another while time stopped.

Suddenly, silently, gut churning, and neglecting my coat, I turned and fled next door to inform my close cousin, Bess, and her parents, Dad's sister and...