KEY ONE

Pay Attention

From your first word to the presentation you gave last week at work, you've been talking for a long time. Have you noticed, though, that you still have problems communicating?

Here's the issue: because we communicate so much and so often, we no longer pay attention. Our communication is all background to us. Ignoring this background or assuming that our communication is fine can backfire.

Think of it like turning on the garden hose to fill your child's wading pool or to water your garden. If you aren't paying attention and checking on the hose every so often, you end up with a soggy mess. Could this be happening to your relationships? Could you be putting good communication skills into the background?

I've discovered that I'm not the only one who puts important things into the background without realizing it. I need to pay attention, check in on myself and my relationships every so often, and use the skills I have learned.

Here's a drawing exercise to prove that once you mentally label something as background, you will not notice it, even if you see it a hundred times a day.

Exercise: You Mean My Watch Has Roman Numerals?

Choose something you see often, such as your watch, your cell phone screen, your driver's license, etc. Grab a pen and paper. (I'll wait here.) Without looking at that object, draw all the details you remember about it. Only take a minute or so on this — you're not creating an artistic masterpiece, just noting what you remember as being on the face of your watch, cell phone, etc.

For those of you who are like me and worry about making it perfect, I'd like to add that I've had my students do this exercise in my classes for quite a while. No one draws the items perfectly, so welcome to the club.

Once you are finished, compare your drawing with the object you chose.

Isn't it amazing? We all miss at least some of the details of the object we look at all the time. No matter how many times we stare at our watch or cell, there are details that are invisible to us because we have labeled them as background. My favorite example of this comes from when I used this exercise in class. One of the students, Mark, called out, "What? My watch has Roman numerals on it!" We all chuckled at his surprise.

I understood Mark's surprise. I've owned my watch for twelve years. As a teacher, I look at it hundreds of times a day. I've always assumed the "3" simply looked funny. I never examined it closely, because I had turned it into background. A clerk changed the battery last week. He commented on how convenient it was that my watch had the date instead of the number "3." I realized my error and chuckled at myself. We all miss the background.

Of course, being able to draw these specific things really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of life. I love how this activity makes the point for me though. If I've labeled it background, I just don't notice what's really there. I believe it's a survival thing — we are wired to ignore what we've labeled as background, or unimportant right now. Seeing the saber-toothed tiger charging me is more important than noticing the red clay paint used in the cave drawing beside me.

For most of us, our communication skills — the things we say and do that will strengthen or damage our relationships — have become complete background. That's the most common cause of problems that start in a friendship, family, or marriage. This means that we could be in what is (or could be) a wonderful relationship, yet there are things between us that are slipping or cracking or even fracturing beyond repair because we aren't paying attention. We've put our communication into the background. We don't realize that we need a communication tune-up.

How would you respond if a friend said to you, "My car's been running fine since I bought it. I don't need the 25,000 mile tune-up"? At this point, anyone who knows anything about car maintenance is mentally yelling, "Get the tune-up!"

It's a much better plan to catch a problem early, when it's smaller and easier to fix. This prevents serious problems that would leave us stranded on the side of the road. Our relationship skills, like our cars, need regular maintenance. Paying attention allows us to notice the signals that tell us it's time to tune up the relationship to help ensure health and longevity. We are more likely to enjoy our lives when we communicate better. Also, even with great skills, we will sometimes still mess up. The good news is that the mess-ups will be smaller. As I like to say, "At least I'll know when I've stuck my foot in my mouth and can do something about it right away."

I think this is especially important because of the anti-relationship skills I mentioned earlier. You know how you pick up words and phrases from the people you spend time with? And from TV shows you watch? Sometimes, we haven't even realized that we've started to model the smack-downs we've heard.

How does this apply to your life? First, pay attention to how you talk to others. What comes out of your mouth? Kind words or snippy words? What's your tone of voice? Harsh or soft? Next, start noticing how the people you know talk to each other. Are they commenting on what they like about each other? If so, yay! Or do you hear smack-down after smack-down? Unfortunately, more and more often, that's our normal. On the other hand, if we pay attention and make adjustments, we can build happier lives.

KEY TWO

Push/Push Back

Sometimes I wonder if our current cultural belief is that our words have no consequences. We often use cruel sarcasm or insults followed by a "just kidding" disclaimer. If someone calls you an obnoxious jerk and then says he was just kidding, what goes through your head? Let me guess. If you're like me, you start wondering if it's true.

We act like it doesn't matter what hurtful things we say — as long as we didn't mean to hurt the other person. But as the punch line of an old joke goes, "You can't get there from here." We can't get to a good relationship if we only communicate through the barbs of insults and backbiting. If we speak to each other that way, we generally end up angry.

Which leads me to the second key — push/push back. Or, how to tick off your loved ones in nothing flat. If you often communicate through criticism and insults, it is likely that people will attack back in one way or another. You push; they push back.

Here's a demonstration of it. You'll need to grab a partner — not literally, of course. This exercise is about pushing.

Exercise: The Game of Push/Push Back

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