Being You: How to Live Authentically

BALBOA PRESS

Chapter One

It is a paradoxical fact of modern life that despite unprecedented accomplishment, apparent happiness and more wealth than the world has ever known (despite recent economic setbacks) many people feel a sense of emptiness or unease deep within themselves. The pursuit of success, happiness, wealth, love and satiation isn't enough. There is a profound need to place the challenges of living within a more fulfilling and meaningful context.

We are conditioned to look for and accept easy solutions to the problems we face. The media and advertising in particular promise that if you buy this or that product you will get an emotional reward. But life is more complicated than these simple solutions suggest. It seems that when we get what we want we always want more.

Consumerism drives us on to buy things we don't need, because we will buy the necessities anyway. We are encouraged to associate products with attractive personal qualities such as beauty, success, status, taste and satisfaction. The aim is to help us feel good which feeds our desire for pleasure. Feeling good is now an end in itself rather than a by product of pursuing a superior goal. Feeling good about ourselves has become almost a 'fundamental right.'

In contemporary culture identity often comes from the clothes you wear, the music you listen to, the people you espouse as celebrities, and the teams you cheer for. For too long we have been living on the basis that affluence was all that mattered: "Rich people have it all, if we all get rich, or richer, we'll all be happy." But now the bubble has burst and the cold winds of economic hardship are everywhere.

This is a real shock to a society that has been conditioned to believe in the god of consumerism. We have been encouraged to work longer and harder so we could buy more things, but now we are faced with the hollowness of that idea.

The spectre of unemployment or the loss of economic independence for so many is not just a personal financial crisis, but a potential long- Term life altering situation. With economic insecurity comes a range of challenges all of which are linked to meaning, self-worth, and self-identity. How can we fulfil our true potential when we find it difficult to match our experience of life as it is today with our hopes and basic values?

Many struggle to cope with life's pressures and turn to alcohol, drugs, gambling, overeating, sex, and all forms of obsessive behavior to alleviate the stress. Many feel their lives are out of control because they can't lose weight, or can't make a decision, or can't catch-up, or are consumed by anger, burdened by debt or caught in unproductive or damaging relationships; or perhaps can't find that special someone to form a relationship with. Others are numb to their own existence—busy working, buying, doing, and accumulating. They have an increased need to escape and insulate themselves from life.

People feel lost and unsure about the future, unable to establish a clear and consistent life-plan. For those in successful careers there is renewed uncertainty not only about the future but of the worth and meaningfulness of the career they have chosen. Others question their faith, community or family ties and constantly ask whether they are being "true" to themselves.

For many, regardless of their economic circumstances, there is an inexplicable unease or longing, a barely perceptible feeling of something missing, of not feeling complete. In others it is the experience of a lack of satisfactory human relationships in the midst of a highly technological, fast-paced, mobile society. And sadly for too many it is the pain of alienation and loneliness, a lack of human understanding and warmth.

The age-old questions of the human condition still seek answers: Who am I? Why am I here? Where am I going? Who will accompany me? How am I going to get there? The longing for meaning, purpose and fulfillment in life is as intense as at any time in human history.

Most people begin to seek their authentic self because they feel that something is missing in their lives. They have some gaps that they need to fill. At some level their lives are fl awed or imperfect—they want more from life. This "more" varies from person to person. However, particular needs seem to be linked to our stage in life or what we call our Lifetimes.

Over the period of your life you have five 'life-times':

1. Playing Time: 0-17 years (carefree, full of fun, life is mostly play).

2. Getting Time: 18-30 years (getting qualified, getting jobs, getting married).

3. Giving Time: 31-50 years (rearing kids, working, investing, striving).

4. Being Time: 51-70 years (thinking, taking stock, life-changing).

5. Taking Time: 71+ years (retiring, relaxing, reflecting).

As we move through these lifetimes we come to way-points which challenge us. These are wake-up calls to find our own truths and start living authentically. Adaptive Freedom is helpful for people throughout all these stages.

In the later stages of the Playing Time and early part of the Giving Time young people examine what they would like to do with their lives, what they want from life and how they plan to go about it. But this is usually a secondary consideration at a time when carefree enjoyment of life is paramount.

In the later stages of the Getting Time people start questioning what life is all about. Their confidence in previous life choices may be wavering and issues linked to purpose and definitions of success and happiness become important as they experience challenges in relationships and marriage.

Much of the Giving Time is spent is service to others, especially in nurturing the young to help them create a successful life. In the later stages of the Giving Time people may have a sense that in all the giving they have lost sight of their own life—that time is starting to run out and their earlier life-goals may be unfulfilled. Their career, relationships and lifestyle may not be up to their original life-plan so they begin to either redouble their efforts or change course or perhaps do both.

The transition from the Giving Time to the Being Time is often described as the "midlife crisis"—a period of instability, anxiety and change. During this period people tend to review past choices and think about their final years. Awareness of death is usually a feature of this period as is a sense that despite accomplishment life seems to lack meaning.

For men this can often mean appraising their career in a new light and coming to terms with their past, facing reality perhaps for the first time and examining what wealth truly means. For women this can be a time of discovering their personal identity beyond the partner-wife-mother roles, and seeking self-reliance and independence.

The good news is that your circumstances, environment and conditioning have brought you to the place you are, but the choices you make now can bring you to a new and better place. Experience changes the physical structure of the brain. And since you can chose the kinds of learning experiences you have, you actually have power to affect the structure of your own brain, and life, both for good and...