BASIC

Understand Behavior

There are two Bs in the BASIC strategy. The first B is to understand behavior. In other words, to understand better what makes people act the way they do.

Understand behavior key concepts:

• Abandon any hope of ongoing control over how others act.

• People make conscious decisions about their behavior.

• The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

• What gets rewarded is what gets done.

• Model the behavior you desire.

• The 80/10/10 rule.

Abandon Any Hope of Ongoing Control over How Others Act

I submit that those of you with children may have already abandoned any such hope, at least in the short run. Yes, you can make people do things your way in the short run while you are around. However, it is much more productive in the long run if you get others to do what you want because they want the same things. Think of the difference between desire and compliance. In other words, want to is much better and longer lasting than have to. We must teach others to make the best decisions on their own. Here is a shocking thought: When your children make the most important decisions of their lives, chances are you will not be there! I cannot think of a more powerful way to emphasize how important it is for setting the right tone so that others want to do the right thing. You cannot rely on being there and to make them do so.

The only person you have much hope of changing in the long run is yourself. So consider how difficult it is to change yourself, and you will have an idea of the difficulty in changing others. As Leo Tolstoy, a Russian writer, philosopher, and social activist, said, "Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself."

Try this exercise on your own. Think of the best and most long-term mature relationship you currently have. Is there at least one thing about that person that you would like to change and most probably have tried to change? Ask yourself if you have been able to change that one thing. Chances are you have not. As stated in the next key point, people make conscious decisions about their behavior, not just because we want them to do so. So don't waste a lot of time trying to change or control another person. It is better to understand them and work within that parameter than to expend lots of energy trying to get them to change solely because you want them to do so. The major exception to this rule is for young, developing children. But beware that you don't continue this exception beyond its expiration date. Remember, people most often do things for their reasons, not yours.

People Make Conscious Decisions about Their Behavior

Putting aside for the moment the tendency to sometimes react without thinking, people who think make conscious decisions about their behavior—unless they are mentally ill! So you may be thinking, "Then some of the people I deal with must be mentally ill!" Actually, most people are wired only to do things that they believe are right or just. Others may find certain behaviors hard to rationalize, but it is very difficult for the mentally well person to behave in a way he or she cannot rationalize as correct. Most people's behavior is reasonable to them. It may not make sense to others, but it makes sense to that person, in that situation, at that particular point in time. The behavior meets some need of theirs. Different people look at different things from their own perspectives. Behaviors like the Los Angeles riots, looting, school shootings, terrorist acts, etc., may seem illogical to most of us, but most of the participants in such events rationalize their behavior as just and right in their own minds. Behavior mostly results from mind-sets within the person. One may be influenced by outside factors, but the driving force usually comes from within a person.

So how do people make decisions about their behavior? A key point here is that values influence behavior and that a value is something for which one is willing to make a sacrifice. If you want to know if someone values something, determine what that individual will sacrifice for it. In my case, I valued getting my bachelor's degree (with a loving and supporting push from my wife, Janis) so much that I was willing to work a full-time day job at General American Life and go to St. Louis University at night to complete my degree. While this choice caused many long days, and I missed many evening events, the bachelor's degree was highly valued. To better understand people, try to understand their values.

I particularly like the work done on values by Dr. Morris Massey. During the 1960s and '70s, Dr. Massey was an associate dean and professor of marketing at the University of Colorado at Boulder. His work at that time focused on values, generations, and what he called significant emotional events (SEEs).

Dr. Massey based a lot of his work on the idea that What You Are Is Where You Were When. In other words, the time you were born and raised affects your values. When I began my professional career at General American Life in 1967, there was an elderly lady (Mary Mildred Merritt) nearing retirement working alongside me in the Accounting Department. She had grown up during the Great Depression era and thus was very frugal. The other group of "young whippersnappers" (as she described us) and I, having grown up in a more prosperous period, were not so frugal. This difference in values was clearly illustrated when one of our new and young associates was being disciplined and, as a penalty, was suspended for two days without pay. To Mary Mildred, two days off without pay was an unthinkable disaster. Whereas the younger associate not only did not consider it a disaster but asked if he could have a Friday and Monday as the days of suspension so he could have a long weekend! A different set of values caused a totally different viewpoint of the discipline.

Dr. Massey identified three major periods during which values are developed. These were the imprint period (age zero to seven), the modeling period (age eight to thirteen), and the socialization period (between thirteen and twenty-one). He also discussed how significant emotional events (SEEs) can cause our values to change as we go through life. Significant emotional events might include the following: getting married or divorced, joining the armed forces, having a child, having a grandchild, etc. For me...