It Is Me ... Again ... After The End

Balboa Press

Chapter One

My mind was full of thoughts, but none of them made sense. They were persistently hammering at me, saying that I had no other choice—I had to leave. It is imperative for your own sake, Cristina. I was killing my essence by staying where I was. These thoughts were constantly repeating inside my head, trying to convince me that I knew what I was doing. I just couldn't think anymore about the other people in my life; it was time to do what was best for me. It was time for me to put my needs before my family's needs. I had given them everything; I had given them my time, myself, and my dreams. It was the moment to fly away.

Before the flight, my lovely grown daughter and I sat in the airport coffee shop and had a light snack before I passed through security. I didn't know whether the fried chicken that I had ordered was good, because I didn't eat a bite. A knot in my stomach made eating impossible. We both were smiling, but in a very sad way. I kept looking at her eyes. Even though she is a grown woman, I saw her as my baby—the little doll who found a place in my heart a long time ago when she was born. She was then so little, fragile, and adorable that I fell in love with her the moment I saw her. She is now twenty-two—a professional woman and a very good one. I couldn't understand then that it was precisely my daughter who was giving me the courage to start this journey.

She was the one who realized that it was time to board the plane. "Ma," she said with a smile, "I think it's time for you to get going, or you'll miss your flight." The C terminal was quite a distance from the security gate. She was right; it was time for me to get going. But before we left the busy coffee shop, she held both my hands and looked deeply into my eyes. "It is okay for you to do this, you know, Mom. You have always been there for us. Now it's time to be there for you. You gave your best to me and my brothers, and because of what you did for us, we have the most powerful tools to live our lives that anyone could ask for. You taught us everything—not only with your instructions, but by your deeds. We could see through your behavior that you lived according to your word. You followed your principles. You let us make our own decisions and let us know in advance the potential results and consequences, but you allowed us to decide so that we could learn from our mistakes or achievements. You have done a wonderful job. Each of us is very successful thanks to you. Don't worry about us."

We started walking, and she grabbed my hand like she used to when she was a little girl. This time, she was holding so tight that I could feel her shaking. I knew she was having mixed feelings as well. Natalie was happy for my departure to a new experience, but she was also concerned. Finally, security was in front of us, and it was time to say goodbye. We hugged each other so unyieldingly that our hearts beat as one. I just couldn't hold back any longer, and I started to cry. It was as though I didn't have any kind of control. She was also sobbing, and she whispered in my ears, "Ma, I love you. I know you are going to be fine, and I am so proud of you." We then faced each other.

There were many things I could have said, but I just said, "Goodbye." I turned around and started walking in a direction that I had walked many times before, but now it was, in some way, completely different and new.

The sensation that I was an actor in my own movie was strong then. I had the sensation of walking over clouds, as if there was no floor under my feet. I tried to focus as I took off my shoes and coat and placed them in the security bins. I felt as though I had never been in an airport before! I was so confused that I forgot to show my passport and plane ticket, even though I had them in my hands. I also forgot that I had to put my cell phone and laptop on the conveyer belt and just stood still, facing the security people in an idiotic haze.

Once through the security checkpoint, I looked back, and there was my girl, waving and sending me kisses. I did the same and then continued walking with my belongings as well as with my thoughts, feelings, and tears.

By the time I reached the gate, passengers were already boarding, so I didn't have time to sit down until I was inside the plane. My seat was next to a window, so I would see my beautiful island from the air. I didn't know when I was going to be back, and it hurt me not to know. I was leaving many things behind. My kids, my few friends, my family, my house, and my memories were all on that island—the piece of land that everyone knows as the Pearl of the Caribbean.

But there I was! I made it! I was on my own! I realized this fully for the first time. Before this, Arnaldo was always the one who made decisions for me, but this time, I was on my own. He wasn't next to me. It had always been him, my kids, and me.

Once seated, I opened my purse to turn off my mobile phone and saw that there was a text message from my older son. He was wishing me a good flight and letting me know that he loved me. I had just enough time to answer before I heard the flight attendant's announcement.

I was leaving my land and heading to Atlanta, Georgia not knowing what I was going to do there. When I couldn't hear the plane's wheels, I decided to look through the window. It was a beautiful, sunny September 4 afternoon. I could see all the buildings, the beautiful hotels in the Isla Verde and Condado area, the green color in the trees, and the avenues full of cars. Inside myself, I was saying goodbye to all this. In no time, we were above the Atlantic Ocean, and it was beautiful too! It showed the deepest and most gorgeous shade of blue one could ever see. The ocean was decorated with little, white linen handkerchiefs of the sails on the boats below.

I tried hard to remember everything that Arnaldo used to do the moment we landed and told myself, Just follow the crowd, and do what they do. There was no use in dedicating time to worrying now when I would sit on the plane for the next four hours. So, my dear Cristina, I said to myself, it is time for me to try to sleep a little and rest a lot.

Chapter Two

The movie played on without my being able to stop it. It was the movie of my...