How would you react if, in the midst of a heated argument, your daughter ran out of the room and stabbed herself three times in the stomach with a Bowie knife? This is what happened to me but wait there is more. Afterglow is my story, a mother's story. It begins at the funeral of my youngest child, Melanie. Page by page, I share the story of my early development, leading up to adulthood and two unsuccessful marriages. As my children grow, I learn that both my daughters have a genetic disorder called Ataxia. All during those volatile years I yearn for a foundation of stability for myself and my children. The Fates led me to spend a significant amount of time with a Seneca Elder who taught me many lessons about life. At the time, I didn't realize how significant these lessons would prove to be.

Afterglow

A Test of Human SpiritBy Jean Catherine Vaughn

Balboa Press

Copyright © 2011 Jean Catherine Vaughn
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4525-4986-6

Chapter One

I ask myself, "How can this be?" I sit in the front pew of Holy Rosary Catholic Church in Erie, Pennsylvania, apprehensively awaiting the start of the funeral mass for my youngest child. My husband is by my side; my children and their families surround me acting as the protective glue that keeps me cemented to my sanity.

This is the parish of my children's youth. Their religious and elementary school education took place on this block nestled within a working class neighborhood of tree-lined boulevards and older city homes. As I observe the familiar statues gracing each side of the sanctuary, everyday thoughts and images fill my mind providing fleeting relief from the reality of why we are here. I think about it being a typical summer day for Erie. Thunderstorms are predicted for later in the afternoon, well after the funeral will end.

I silently ponder over why the air is always so stale in church even though there are fans churning high overhead. I wonder if my children are reminiscing about their early childhood rites of passage played out within these walls. Does Wayne remember when the nuns were so pleased he played Stairway to Heaven at a school event while the young lay teachers sat in the audience remembering hearing this same song at the local hot spot? Luckily, it was an instrumental rendition with no words to reveal the meaning of the song. Does Ed remember trying to lower the flag on a windy day when all of a sudden he became airborne? Does Le`Anne remember her first day of kindergarten? Do they remember Melanie's first communion? I remember it all.

The priest is not someone we know from our past connection to the church. He asked what he could say about our daughter, Melanie. I told him we have a eulogy; we will say the words to honor her life. He sadly reveals he does more funerals then baptisms nowadays, revealing the signs of an aging neighborhood.

I turn around in the pew and notice the extended families of my previous two husbands. I spot friends from work, as well as friends who are on the same spiritual path. I also notice a few people I can't place. The combined spiritual presence of all these people creates a spiritual bond of love and support that I can feel, and desperately need at this time. I realize that the church acts as a broker to provide group support for our spiritual needs. Fortunately, any leftover negative feelings from my former two husbands have been expunged and oblation obtained. We gather here in peace to celebrate the short 23 years of Melanie's life.

As the people enter the church, an inspirational song is playing in the background. Everything seems surreal, unconnected. This is just a dream, right? I'll wake up and everything will be as before. But, I am awake and it's not a dream.

The Eulogy

Melanie's Uncle Jim reads the words written for this moment. He starts by saying, "These words are expressed by Melanie's mother.

Within the last month, Melanie decided to get a tattoo consisting of two dolphins riding the top of a wave. She was quite delighted as it was the first thing she showed us upon our return from France.

Hanging on the wall of my office is the Wildlife of the World calendar. To my amazement, the animal depicting July is the dolphin. In Native American lore, dolphin stands for manna, life force. We learn there is no limit to our reality. By changing the rhythm of our breath we can enter into other realities. Grandmother Moon gave Dolphin the job of being our link with the Creator.

Melanie came into this world during a full moon phase and chose to leave during another full moon phase. Perhaps Melanie has a special relationship with Grandmother Moon too. Perhaps she learned a new rhythm and opened to the light to enter a new and different place from the one she has known. Perhaps the dolphin is an affirmation of the new job our Creator has given Melanie.

May we all have the faith to KNOW within our hearts ... that our beloved Melanie ... has transcended the bounds and limitations of the human body to discover a new and different life free of the restrictions from whence she came. It is my belief that Melanie has chosen the role of being OUR link, that she will always be with us to guide us along our journey in becoming one with the Creator.

Because she was in the hospital, Melanie missed one of her major life passages, her high school graduation. It was difficult for her not to be present in person to receive this diploma of completion, difficult not being able to share the joy with her friends. Her latest life passage was to leave the Earth Plane. However difficult it is for us, we must accept her decision. May we feel her guiding us on our way. May she continue to feel our love. May this farewell ceremony stand as a tribute not only to her old life, but to her new one as well. May we all learn the rhythm and be open to the light of the Creator. I know God blesses our beloved Melanie. She will live in our hearts forever."

Although it appeared Jim was having a hard time speaking, he continued by saying, "These words are expressed by her Aunt Karen: In a perfect world, there would be no weeping because none of our loved ones would ever have to leave us. There would be no more pain. There would be no such disease as Ataxia trying to limit the voices of my beautiful nieces.

Everyday there would be sunshine and happiness, but even a little rain can give us a beautiful rainbow. Sometimes life's disappointments and tragedies can make our lives richer and more complete, no matter how hard they are to comprehend.

A perfect world would be boring and everyone knows how much Melanie hated to be bored. Melanie can look down on us now and be with whomever she wants, whenever she wants, and she never has to be bored again. She will be way too busy keeping track of us while she has found the ultimate perfect world."

* * *

Never in all those years of attending church and its numerous school events did I ever envision returning so soon to bury my youngest child. It's astounding how life plays out with its roller coaster twists-and-turns and its high-highs and low-lows. Not only does it take my breath away and jerks me to and fro, it also tests my spiritual beliefs to my vibral core ... my very soul.

Journal Entry–July 10, 2004

Two days after Melanie's burial. I sit here with the copies of the death certificate in my hand. They read, "Melanie Jean Rosthauser died July 2, 2004." How does one begin–at the end with death? Or the beginning with birth? Or are both the same? The end of one way and the beginning of another.

Our Loved Ones

We cry with joy when they arrive. Why do we cry with sorrow when they leave? Do we cry for them ... or us? We only feel our sorrow. We do not truly know what goes on in the hearts of others. We may fool ourselves into believing we can read the signs. If so, I need new glasses ... bigger bifocals.

Intuition

It is said that it's the most difficult to help those closest to you because you are too emotionally involved. Grandmother Twylah Nitsch couldn't help her son. I couldn't help my daughter. What benefit is it to help others with their pain and suffering if you cannot help your own? Melanie would not confide in me. She refused to open up as to what was going on inside. The stab wound–even IT refused to open up. Instead, she died of massive internal bleeding. Till the end; no, even in the end,...