Adult Children Raising Children

iUniverse, Inc.

Contents

Acknowledgments..........................................................ix2. Your Turn To Be Parent................................................163. Parents' Catch 22: Is Your Child Being Affected?......................294. Key Sensitivity Areas For Parents.....................................385. Where You Got Your Parenting Program..................................516. Stages Of Co-dependency In Your Childhood Home........................637. Your Sibling Birth Order..............................................798. Your Independence Program.............................................899. From Rejection To Affection...........................................10010. From Defenses To Self-Expression.....................................11411. From Manipulation To Communication...................................12712. From Despair To Trust................................................14413. Your Recovery And Your Child.........................................15514. More Ways To Share Recovery..........................................17215. Getting Your Spouse On Your Side.....................................18316. Dealing With Others' Reactions To Your Parenting.....................19417. Affirmations For Adult Children Raising Children.....................20718. Parent And Child Independent Together................................217Glossary.................................................................228Recommended Reading......................................................233About the Author.........................................................241

Chapter One

Over 34 million Americans had a parent who was dependent on alcohol or other mood-altering chemical. A good proportion of these have their own children now.

In the last decade, millions of adults have recognized the lingering co-dependent attitudes and reactions that this environment engendered and have found hope in identifying themselves as adult children of alcoholics or addiction (ACoAs).

Al-Anon groups, for the families of alcoholics, have seen a great increase in the proportion of their membership that these adult children represent. And groups specifically for adult children of alcoholics have sprung up all over the country to accommodate their special needs.

Many have helped these adult children to identify themselves, including knowledgeable therapists, family counselors trained in addiction, anonymous self-help groups on the Al-Anon model, and authors like Janet Woititz with Adult Children Of Alcoholics and Melody Beattie with Co-dependent No More.

Meanwhile, Americans are seeking guidance as never before on parenting issues. In recent years, many young adults have put off child-rearing until after they have established careers. The baby-boom generation only recently reached its delayed birthing peak, yielding in 1988 the most babies born in 25 years.

When these women and men do have their children, they approach parenting more consciously and with greater effort than ever before to prepare themselves, through reading, education, advice and introspection.

Other parents began parenting in younger years, without as much thought. They identify with the label Adult Children in a different way. They feel that in too many ways they were still children when they began raising children. They struggle now with guilt over what they wish now that they had known then.

In my seminars and counseling around the country on parenting issues, I have met thousands of parents who are aware of alcohol dependency or other addiction in their childhood home. Most are confident they have licked the statistical chances that dependency might appear in their new home. But they fear that the cycle of co-dependency will continue.

They want new tools and information to help them weed out the troublesome attitudes and behaviors that they still carry. They want to raise their children to be independent, happy people, even if they themselves don't feel quite there yet. And they want to feel confident and proud of themselves as parents.

This book speaks to them, to you. It draws on real life experience with one of the toughest issues of our time to show you how, as an adult child raising children, you can spare your children from co-dependency without being perfect yourself.

The Challenge For Adult Children Raising Children

Adult children raising children face a special parenting challenge because of one dramatic conflict. They are caught in the middle between two opposing messages about their own self-worth.

On the one hand, they remember and hold on to messages of low self-worth from their family of origin, either from guilt they assumed for the troubles at home or from continuous parental criticism of their basic competence and motives.

On the other hand, they long to believe the new messages of high self-worth from their children, as they experience the natural love and awe in which their children hold them as parents.

This conflict between messages can make you feel ambivalent, torn, angry, helpless, cynical, depressed, inconsistent and indecisive. It can also re-stimulate the reactive devices that you developed in the conflicted training ground of your childhood home.

Mixed messages you may be giving your children now as a result can recreate for them the same forces with which you were raised, even without any addiction in your new family.

You can end this cycle of co-dependency for you and your children now. Get to know your feelings and where they come from. Find out what mistaken conclusions you drew from your childhood experience. And replace them with interpretations and affirmations grounded in spiritual reality, so as to empower yourself to become the parent you want most to be.

The Emperor's New Clothes

According to a fairy tale, an emperor wanted a new majestic robe and sent for a special tailor. For an incredible sum, the tailor promised to make a robe that surpassed all others: It would help the emperor discover whom he could trust.

The emperor was excited and appeared promptly for his fitting. The tailor explained the secret of the robe: Only the righteous could see it.

The emperor saw nothing, but knowing he had not always been righteous, he said nothing. He held out his arms and let the tailor drape the robe. He looked in the mirror, saw only his royal underwear, but still said nothing.

He paid the tailor as agreed and looked forward to testing his courtiers' honesty the next day. When all were assembled, the emperor made his entrance. A gasp rushed through the great hall. No one said a word. Each courtier paid his respects and gave his compliments, as they knew the emperor wished.

All except a little child. Peeking out from behind his courtier father's robe, he pointed at the emperor and giggled. Stepping forward, he declared, "Father, His Majesty has no robe!"

Reality, Courage And Self-Esteem

I think this tale has special meaning for adult children raising children. The story of that brave child will most likely fill them with a secret envy.

How many of us would be willing to speak...