Prior to Death

Regrets: Could've ... Should've ... Would've ...

It's a human trait always to seek reasons to rationalize or justify our behavior. If we can determine why we acted in a certain way, why we responded to a situation in a particular manner, we somehow feel better about ourselves and our abilities to make decisions and to behave responsibly. But when self-doubt creeps into our thought processes, we become uncomfortable. We become vulnerable to making critical errors in judgment and this diminishes us in our own eyes. This type of thinking, particularly in situations when our loved ones are terminally ill, is both useless and dangerous because it is self-defeating, and because it does not allow us to be fully present with them and comfort them.

The three most destructive terms that can be uttered by family members when trying to come to grips with the reality that their loved one is about to die are: could've, should've, and would've.

"If only we had gone to a fourth doctor for another opinion, the results could've been different ... We should've listened to our friends who were in a similar situation and had experience with this condition ... Had we only taken the advice of people who suggested alternative medicine, the outcome unquestionably would've been different."

Each of these responses engenders pangs of doubt, frustration and guilt in family members, does nothing to help them through this critical emotional phase, and prevents them from helping their dying loved one find comfort.

Why Has God Forsaken Me?

There are other emotions many people experience when grappling with the reality of imminent death. Conflicted feelings about God play a key role. Though many families face a fearful diagnosis with great faith, the emotional wear and tear of watching their loved one losing her or his battle for life can erode trust in Divine wisdom. If only we could understand why God, who is described as kind, compassionate and merciful, is acting toward our loved one and us in a way that is so hurtful. Some people assume they must have committed some wrong to deserve such punishment, and long to know what it was. We feel that if only we could comprehend His ways, perhaps our feelings of frustration, vulnerability âˆ' and yes, even anger toward Him âˆ' might be eased. But in the final analysis, we are finite and God is infinite; we are mortal and God is immortal. Only He knows what is best for our loved one and for us. Ultimately, we must have faith and trust that His actions, though not always understandable or desirable to us, are for the best; that, despite the outcome, God has not, and will not, abandon us.

Rather than dwell on self-destructive thoughts, guilt, and doubt, it is far better to concentrate on caring tenderly for our dying loved one who is still able to hear our voices and feel the warmth and love of our touch, though her or his life is ebbing.

The Pre-Mourning Period

For most people anxiously preparing for the death of a loved one, the process of mourning actually begins long before the death occurs. Try as they may to prepare themselves for the final and irrevocable reality that death will overtake life, it is almost impossible to do so. Nevertheless, there are ways to help the family ease their inescapable pain prior to and during the final moments of their loved one's life.

Human beings have been created with five sensory perceptions. It is believed that four of these – sight, smell, taste and touch – begin to diminish as one draws closer to death. The last one – hearing – is, according to most scientific evidence, the final one to be lost. Consequently, it provides a special opportunity for family and friends to express their final goodbyes in a very meaningful and heartfelt way.

Recognizing that the terminal person, despite outward physical appearances, can and does hear sounds and voices, allows for very intimate and personal closures. Even if a patient is in a medically comatose state and apparently oblivious to her or his surroundings, it is believed that hearing ability still remains intact.

It is during these final moments that loved ones should communicate their heartfelt feelings. Intimacy is important. One should touch the person, hold her hand, stroke his arm, kiss her forehead. Talk to him. Tell her how much you love her. Let him know that although he will be missed, you and everyone else will be okay.

Bless him with a safe journey to a place where he will finally be at peace ... comfortable and without pain, without worry ... greeted by those who passed away before him and are waiting to welcome him into their warm and loving midst.

It is customary, in the presence of a terminally ill or dying person, to recite a confessional prayer known in Hebrew as Viduy. Although tradition suggests that the dying person himself recite this confession, when the person is unable to because of his physical condition, then someone else, a family member or close friend, may do so instead.

This prayer is not intended to seal the fate of the individual as irrevocable. Rather, it is meant to underscore God's role in this world and His ability to change the course of nature if He so desires.

My God and God of my ancestors, to You I turn at this moment of despair. I acknowledge that the gift of life is in Your hands. And though I earnestly pray for healing, I know that I am but mortal. Dear God, if in Your wisdom my life must soon come to an end, let me die, I pray, in peace. I confess that in my lifetime I have transgressed with sins and errors in judgment. But I also ask that You remember the good that I have done. May these acts of goodness, dear God, give meaning to my life. May You, o Lord, forgive my transgressions so that in death I am granted atonement and purity. I pray, God of mercy, that as now I forgive all who have wronged me that they, in turn, grant me forgiveness as well.

Guardian of the bereaved, please protect my family and loved ones from excessive hurt and sorrow. Let them know that we will always be united, for our souls are surely entwined in eternal and mutual love. Shelter me, dear God, under Your protective wings as I place my soul into Your hands.

"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; may God's name be praised forever." Amen.

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