The Turnaway Study: Ten Years, a Thousand Women, and the Consequences of Having—or Being Denied—an Abortion - Softcover

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Diana Greene Foster is a professor at the University of California, San Francisco (UCSF) in the Department of Obstetrics, Gynecology, and Reproductive Sciences and director of research at Advancing New Standards in Reproductive Health (ANSIRH). An internationally recognized expert on women’s experiences with contraception and abortion, she is the principal investigator of the Turnaway Study. She has a bachelor’s of science from the University of California, Berkeley, and a doctorate from Princeton University. She lives with her husband and two children in the San Francisco Bay Area.

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Amy

AMY

I just couldn’t imagine starting over and doing it all again. I would be depriving my first child by having to support a second one.

I was born in Texas, and I lived there with my mom and my dad. My mom worked in a nursing home. My dad was a mechanic. They divorced when I was a little kid. My parents are remarried and have their own families now. So we’re still here in Texas.

When my parents got divorced, it really wasn’t the best time for a kid. So I don’t really remember a whole lot other than my grandparents, who had a farm. You know, there was lots of animals. But my parents were both very good parents. I can remember they were good.

My husband and I, we’ve been together since high school. We had just got married when I became pregnant. When we found out that I was pregnant with our first child, our only child, I was 17, and we had considered adoption. Well, we had picked out a family, and she actually went there for about two weeks until we changed our mind. We had thought, you know, if we couldn’t give her the life that she deserved, then we’ll give somebody else the opportunity to. We had signed the papers and everything that we were supposed to do. And she was with the family. It was so sad. I tried to separate the postpartum blues from my own emotions. And then I realized it’s not postpartum. This is our child. We need to get her back and raise her even if we have to struggle or we have to sacrifice different things. We’ll make it work. So we got her back.

We were just living the American dream and just living one day at a time and trying to raise a daughter the best we could. We talked about having more kids when our daughter was younger. My husband would say, “You know, we should have one more.” And first I was like, “Yeah, well, when she’s four.” And then I was like, “Okay, when she’s five or when she’s six or when she’s seven.” And then it just became—there’s really no point in starting over. She’s in school and there was no time, no room, no money, no nothing for an extra mouth to feed. Every marriage has its challenges. Was it anything out of the ordinary? No. We were just like any other married couple, I guess.

I was living with my husband and my daughter when I became pregnant again. At that time I was coaching figure skating and my daughter was ten. I was working, and living life, and stuff happens and there you are. We have to make decisions.

We weren’t struggling, but we had recently bought a house. My daughter was a figure skater, which was quite expensive. It was a good chunk of money each month to do that. And we were planning to send her to a private school. I felt like I wanted to give one kid everything that I possibly could. I couldn’t fathom giving two children all the things that I wanted to be able to give one.

When I found out I was pregnant again, I had mixed emotions. I was kind of scared, like, okay, what are we going to do? Sad because I already knew that I never wanted any more children.

My husband was—he had mixed emotions as well. He couldn’t believe that it had happened, because even though we had the one child, she was pretty much a miracle baby because my husband cannot have children, and here we were expecting another. When he was a teenager, my husband had a medical issue. And when he got finished with his surgeries, they told him the likelihood for him to have any children would be slim to none. So our first one was a surprise because we never thought that he would ever be able to have children. So when we found out that I was pregnant the second time, it was a lot to deal with.

I remember I told my husband on his birthday that I was pregnant. And he had asked me, he said, “Well, what are we going to do?”

So, on this new pregnancy, we already knew what the options were. We already knew that adoption wasn’t going to work. That just wasn’t in our blood. So we looked at the route of the abortion. And that just fit our plan better. When I went to my doctor, who I’d been seeing for the past ten years, she knew that I never wanted any more children, so she gave me a pamphlet, and I had to call and set up an appointment.

There were some protesters outside the clinic. There weren’t very many, and it didn’t faze me. I knew what I wanted to do, and I’m a pretty strong-willed person. So they weren’t going to change my mind. But I guess if some people were uncertain about their decision, then it could have affected them. But I just went on in. In the clinic, I was super nervous. One, you don’t want to see anybody that you know. So you just hold your head down and just get through it. We saw all types of different people there. But the staff was wonderful. They were—after you have the abortion, you’re kind of out of it a little bit, but I remember everybody being really nice and making sure that everything was taken care of properly. They kind of commended me on my bravery and were understanding and made me feel like I was making the right choice for me. When I left, everything was fine, and it was a rock lifted off my chest.

I don’t think that the abortion has affected anything since then negatively. And honestly I’m not even sure if it’s been positive, either. I think it was just something that I knew that had to be done, and we went about our lives. My husband owns his own business, and I’m working in a field that I love. I work as a medical assistant now. I remember when I was younger I would take a toy medical kit and pretend to listen to the heartbeats of my stuffed animals. So early on, I kind of had an idea that I liked health care. And here I am doing it, you know, three decades later. Our daughter has grown up with everything that I could’ve, would’ve, should’ve given her. You know, we have a house. We have a family. It’s a good life. I’m happy where I am. My daughter is a teenager. She’s a pretty big highlight of my life. I basically think that everything that I’ve ever done, ever worked for has been for her. So every moment, every day that I get to spend with her, is a highlight. Raising a teenage daughter, I’m so blessed because she’s such a good kid. It’s an ordinary life, but it’s an extravagant, wonderful ordinary life.

I never wanted any more children after I had our daughter, but she is dating a boy who came from very little. We’ve basically taken him in on our own and, you know, supported him as much as we can. And so it’s funny that I never wanted any more children, but here I am helping out another one. So it’s so funny. I tease him, “You’re the son that I never wanted.” But he’s a good kid.

When I did the studies every six months or so, they’d be like, “How often do you think about the pregnancy?” And I said, “Only when you call me.” It wasn’t something that plagued me or I thought about really much at all because I just knew that it was something that had to be done. So we just kept living.

If I hadn’t had the abortion, I’d basically be starting over, because this child would be, like, in kindergarten, first grade, and we’d be doing the same thing that we’ve already done. I just couldn’t imagine starting over and doing it all again. I would be depriving my first child by having to support a second one. And I guess being an only child myself I was really selfish, and I’m still...