AMANDA PARADISE: Resurrect Extinct Vibration - Softcover

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CAConrad has been working with the ancient technologies of poetry and ritual since 1975. They are the author of AMANDA PARADISE, forthcoming from Wave Books in 2021. Their book While Standing in Line for Death won a Lambda Literary Award. They also received a Creative Capital grant, a Pew Fellowship, and a Believer Magazine Book Award. They teach at Columbia University in New York City and Sandberg Art Institute in Amsterdam. Please view their books, essays, recordings, and upcoming events at bit.ly/88CAConrad.

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Amanda Paradise is the author of this book, and by CAConrad is its title. I did not mention this earlier because I did not want to interrupt your conversation with the poems. A (Soma)tic poetry ritual I did a few years previously to overcome my depression after my boyfriend Earth’s rape and murder led me to “Resurrect.” I was sitting on a forest floor in New Hampshire when I realized that this man I loved who had changed his name to Earth, died from the very same wounds humans inflict on the planet: he was bound and gagged, beaten, tortured, raped, then covered in fossil fuels and set on fire. This connection brought a flood of grief. After my tears subsided, I laid flat on the fallen leaves, feeling my breath synch with the soil beneath me, and the wind, birds, insects, and as suddenly as I had burst into tears came a lavish shower of peace. It was extraordinary, instantly feeling these connections in my body. These sensations guided me to the “Resurrect.”

my grandmother Pearl said

throw your wallet away the

moment you lose your job

there were many excuses for

losing jobs where I grew up

she was the only

person in my family

in the 1980s who asked

about my dying

lovers and

friends

she said to me after

a week with 3 funerals

there was a beginning to this pain

now you know the middle but

the end too must show itself

when you survive this

love will destroy

NO ONE HOLDING IT SHUT

he called me a morbid son

of a bitch and it gave me pause

enjoying a love song written by a

woman who died one day despite

her intimate care for the

world around her

may our levees hold

may our strength return

a meow avowing a roar

there has been no one

since he died who can

be there in my chest

lift me into morning

believe in love again

someone said not to write about

love which is a conversation we can have

after I am finished writing this love poem

holding a fist of wheat in the wind

a day to be as small as possible

following thoughts to their smells or

sit and listen for the archive to waken

the night before moving I woke

then decided to go back to

sleep for one more dream in

the apartment where I loved him

when he was alive

actually and completely

real flesh with fingers pressing

glow in the dark stars and planets

above the bed and turning

to smile and join me

on the pillow