Letting Go of Monogamous Misconceptions

As it turns out, the biggest obstacle to being nonmonogamous is ... monogamy. Or rather, the monogamous baggage we all carry.

Many nonmonogamy skills are simply relationship skills. Nevertheless, ethically conducted nonmonogamy turns a lot of established beliefs on their head — things that the culture considers so basic that they're mostly never examined. This section describes some of the ways we "think monogamous" even when we believe we don't, how these assumptions can cause problems, and how to get past them.

Consider the ways we're indoctrinated into monogamy. Most novels, movies, TV shows, and songs have a romantic relationship in them — a monogamous relationship. Almost all of our real-life relationship role models are monogamous or supposed to be. Successfully nonmonogamous people may indeed be in our lives, but they are typically closeted and therefore unlikely to be available as role models.

Everyone assumes that people pair off in couples. Invites to gatherings are usually "plus one" — that is, your one "significant other" and no one else. Socializing is built around couples, singles, or a mix of the two. Consider insurance plans and immigration law. All business and government models assume at most one other partner.

Monogamous assumptions are woven into our thinking about love and romance, long-term commitment, successful partnerships, handling of household finances, sexual fulfillment, and so on. Sexual monogamy became a formal marriage requirement centuries before most of our other relationship concepts came into existence. So we come to nonmonogamy loaded with hidden monogamous assumptions. Let's unearth some of those assumptions.

Collaboration Instead of Competition

In the monogamous world, love and sex are assumed to be scarce commodities. Many difficulties arise from this imposed economics of scarcity.

It starts with the fact that most people are already in relationships and therefore unavailable. Even in a relationship, love and sex are only available from that one other person. This is fine for people who actually want to be monogamous, but limiting and potentially traumatizing for others. Among single people even the possibility of a relationship with a new person is fraught with high-stakes peril due to fear of isolation or missed opportunities.

This scarcity mentality sets up a highly competitive situation for sex and romance. People sometimes find themselves shut out of dating almost entirely. This is particularly true if they are in a nonnormative or oppressed group — someone whose potential partners may balk at the stigma they face, whether transphobia, racism, fatphobia, ableism, or other. Even for those who are successful in the dating market, the competitive aspect of monogamy leads people to take actions of questionable morality, such as cheating or "trading up" to a more desirable partner.

Most people bring this competitive attitude when they start exploring nonmonogamy. This is particularly relevant to men competing with other men, though women are competitive as well. There's an attitude that other men should be distrusted and undermined at every opportunity, especially men who are relationship rivals. Of course this leads to drama and discord. We see a lot of bad practices sprout from this competitiveness, such as "one penis policy" relationships, where a man is allowed to see multiple women but those women are discouraged from seeing other men.

Unlike monogamy, successful nonmonogamy consistently tends to be collaborative, not competitive. Certainly the nonmonogamous dating scene can sometimes feel competitive. However, because most people in it are open to new connections and everyone knows it, dating opportunities are available to most.

Cooperation is how people get along and build connections. In nonmonogamy, supporting your partners' connections with other people is fundamentally a good idea that strengthens your own relationships. The happier your partners are in their other connections, the more fulfilled they are in general, and the happier they are with you.

So it is important to let go of competitiveness and think of yourself as on the same team as the rest of your relationship network.

This means not setting up rules that are harmful to other relationships or connections. And it definitely means not putting effort into competing with or trying to scuttle your partners' other connections. You should try to meet your partners' other lovers, and find ways to be generous to those connections. Maybe that means giving up the house for an evening so others can play. Maybe it means letting someone know that you consider their relationship with your partner to be valuable. Maybe it means inviting your partner's partner into your life in some meaningful way.

For most of us, this requires retraining. It is a skill to develop. You should consider the health of your nonmonogamous network to be important and worthy of your time, support, and encouragement. If there is drama in your network, it will probably negatively affect you. If things go well in your network, things will get better for you. Act to support the relationships and people in your network and you will find yourself with much more stability and abundance in your nonmonogamous life.

Responsibility with Freedom

Another piece of monogamous ideology is the false dichotomy between freedom and responsibility. They are not opposites; they are tightly interdependent. Behave irresponsibly, and your freedom will evaporate. Behave well to others, and your freedom will expand and flourish.

We're raised to think of monogamous marriage as the epitome of responsibility via tropes like "for better or for worse" and "the old ball and chain." This does us a number of disservices.

First, it positions nonmonogamy as both freeing and irresponsible. See the problem? If people assume that going nonmonogamous means a no-holds-barred free-for-all, they will usually fail.

Second, relationship responsibility gets associated with resentments, as in phrases like "ball and chain." This hides the fact that responsibility is a good thing that gets you places.

Men in particular seem to be very susceptible to this way of thinking. I have met many nonmonogamous men who were resistant to anything resembling expectations or responsibility, even in little ways. I constantly see men who fail to show up, to make even small promises, or to return phone calls. Men often carry the false dichotomy between having fun and building connection, between getting what you want and doing the work to get it.

Some men see avoiding responsibility as a way of taking power for themselves — that is,...