I.ADVENTURES WITH ACTIVISTS

* * *

Castration Nation vs. Procreation Nation

(OR, "ABORTION: WHAT'S THE BIG FUCKING DEAL?")

* * *

Nothing drives people crazy like the legality—and increasing illegality—ofvacuuming fetuses as if they were household dust bunnies. Extremists on bothsides refuse to compromise: you either hate women or God depending on yourstance. (Personally I feel that a baby loses its right to life when it disruptsmy serenity by means of crying in a movie theater, airplane, restaurant,hospital delivery room, etc.)

However, the American people have a far more nuanced view than those activistswho wage the battle. Whereas rightwing absolutists wish to ban abortion even incases of sexual assault, incest and medical necessity, nearly ninety percent ofAmericans favor keeping the procedure legal at least sometimes, and sixtypercent favor keeping it legal most of the time. Whereas radical feminists wishto keep abortion legal up to the moment before a baby is born, even if there isno medical necessity, seventy-three percent of Americans feel—even if they arepro-choice—that terminating a pregnancy is sometimes or always "morally wrong."More than two-thirds of Americans believe that the best policy is somewhere inthe "middle ground."

But why have democracy when we can have theocracy? So far in the twenty-firstcentury the Religious Right has enjoyed many victories under King Retard,including the appointments of two antiabortion justices to the Supreme Court,the limiting of funds for medical stem cell research—which eighty-six percent ofAmericans consider "vital"—and the enactments of laws such as:

• The Global Gag Rule, which forbids U.S.-funded clinics to offer abortions topoor women overseas. (Abortion and welfare—it's enough to give any Republican aheart attack, especially since Republicans are usually so fucking overweight.)

• The Partial Birth Abortion Ban Act, which makes no exceptions for life-endangeringpregnancies, according to the ACLU. (If you want someone to pullyour fetus halfway out of your body and then crack its skull with a pair ofscissors, I can recommend some good fraternity parties.)

• The Interstate Abortion Bill, which criminalizes transportation of minors acrossstate lines to receive abortions. (Driving and aborting: it's like drinking anddriving, only you're guaranteed to kill a baby! Woooooooooooooooooooooo!))

• Parental approval requirements for teenagers' abortions in nineteen states, evenif their pregnancies are due to incestuous rape. ("Hey, Daddy, can you signthis? But first can you take your dick out of me?")

However, Republican policies are often responsible for abortion: abstinence-onlysex education guarantees higher teenage pregnancy rates in conservative states,plus three-fourths of women who terminate their pregnancies "cite economicpressure as a reason." If everyone were given condoms and money, right-wingersmight finally shut the fuck up!

Trying to understand the motivations of pro-choice and antiabortion radicals Iattended the March for Women's Lives on the National Mall in Washington, D.C.,which attracted prominent leaders from both sides. It was one of the mostagonizing days of my career. (Isn't there more to the breakfast of life thanscrambled eggs?)

One last thought before we begin: American women received forty-five millionabortions between 1973 and 2008, ending a fifth of all pregnancies. (It's athird in Europe.) The average birth weight is seven pounds, which means thatthe U.S. has produced up to three hundred and fifteen million pounds of Baby Goosince legalizing abortion.

Why haven't we cured World Hunger?

* * *

April 25, 2004

WASHINGTON, D.C. | "Stop the Violence Against Abortion Clinics!" "Choice EqualsEquality!" "Stop Capitalist Oppression!" "Keep Your Religion Off My Body!""Anti-Capitalist Action Now!" "No More Coat Hangers!"

Every man dreams of surrounding himself with a million screaming, passionate,manipulated young women—basically the average college experience—but the Marchfor Women's Lives makes me want to crawl back into my mother's uterus and closethe lid forever.

According to the Associated Press, more than a million feminists have convergedon the National Mall for this event, which is endorsed by the NationalOrganization for Women, NARAL Pro-Choice America (formerly the NationalAssociation for the Repeal of Abortion Laws), the Feminist Majority, theAmerican Civil Liberties Union and the Planned Parenthood Federation of America,which operates many abortion clinics and contends that life "starts when a babytakes its first breath."

Slogans and smells bombard me from all directions as I follow the hideous herdof heterosexuality-hating heifers. They carry posters, pump their fists andcondemn the Patriarchy with piercing shrieks, which is what my girlfriend soundslike when she wants me to take out the trash or put the toilet seat down.

"Keep Abortion Legal!" "Keep Your Bra, Burn Republicans Instead!" "Make Love,Not Laws!" "Stop the Pregnancy Police!" "My Body Is Not Public Property!"

Look at all these unshaven-legged, gap-toothed, ill-bathed, rattyhaired, rancid-smellingmilitant feminists! No guy in his right and/or sober mind would touchthese nasty mastodons. Why do they care about the legality of abortion?

(George Carlin remarked that this holds true for the other side: "Why is it thatmost of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuckin the first place?")

A height-impaired, beauty-impaired feminist (let's call her "He-Man")distributes maps to the protesters. She is an abortion clinic "escort" fromPennsylvania, which means that she leads women into the Aborto-Chamber whilepro-life demonstrators squeal outside.

"What do the Christians shout when you're escorting?" I ask.

"The usual terrifying things like 'murderers' and 'baby killers,'" says He-Man."A woman has the right to choose. She has the right to choose to have atonsillectomy. She has the right to choose to...