Can I Really Use NVC in My Workplace?

Some of you may have had the following experience. Having just emerged from a Nonviolent Communication workshop, full of possibilities and hopes, you feel energized and excited to have meaningful, connected communications. In your enthusiasm to share what you have learned, you go home or back to work, and the first chance you get, you try out something from the workshop. Instead of the powerful emotional connection and intimate response you were hoping for, the person says, "Why are you talking like that?" You feel your excitement fade, your energy sink, and to your chagrin, you find yourself reacting as you normally do instead of in the compassionate, connected way you imagined.

When our initial attempts to practice or share what we have learned are met with a not-so-enthusiastic reception, these experiences sometimes lead us to believe that the new skills will be difficult to apply in certain situations — such as in the workplace. Thus, while you have begun learning about NVC and might already have found its value for yourself, you may have thought something like this: "I can see the value of NVC in my personal life, and maybe some people can use it in their workplaces, but no way at my work! The people in my workplace just wouldn't be open to it!"

I can understand these thoughts, since I have had them too. When I first began learning NVC, I was working as a trial lawyer. The last lawsuit I tried (in 1999, just prior to withdrawing from the practice of law and beginning to serve on the board of the Center for Nonviolent Communication) was a United States federal court case in the Central Valley of California. The case concerned the dumping of toxic agricultural chemicals. One of the government witnesses was a well-qualified analytical chemist who had never before testified in court. I knew her testimony because I had taken her deposition, and during the trial I wanted to highlight certain aspects of it to make sure they went into the court record. My cross-examination quickly turned into a painful and unpleasant process. When I would ask a question, she would answer the question — but then take time to unnecessarily restate all the aspects of her opinion that she had already testified to.

In my frustration, I began to use the many techniques I had been trained in as a lawyer to try to control her and get her to stop these long, duplicative explanations. None of these techniques worked. In fact, we found out during a break that she had interpreted my attempts as trying to demean her. With some embarrassment, I report to you that it did not occur to me the whole day to attempt a different way to communicate.

I was distressed about this situation; we were already over our estimated schedule, and I was concerned the judge would cut off the cross-examination if it continued in the same way. That evening, as I pondered what I could do, a small voice in my head said, "You could try NVC."

Immediately, my response was, "No, not in this situation!" My training and experience in the stilted environment of the courtroom — me at a lectern, the witness in the witness box, the judge on the bench, and a number of opposing attorneys all ready to object to any language that deviated from their expectations — made it difficult for me to see how I could apply the skills I was learning. Nonetheless, in my distress, I began considering how I might go about using NVC. After a time of empathizing with myself, I found myself practicing conversations with the witness in my head.

The following day, the pattern started again, with my questions and the witness's long, repetitive answers. So I interrupted her, and when I had her attention, I said: "I'm concerned about the time it's going to take to complete your testimony. I'm wondering if you would be willing to just answer my questions and save any explanation you have until later. I want to assure you that you will have time to consult with government counsel before your testimony is complete, and that you will be able to provide further explanations. For now, would you be willing to just answer my questions?"

Now, as I was asking this question, my heart was racing. I felt it in my throat. To this day, I am not clear on what I was telling myself that stimulated this reaction. Perhaps I was terrified that someone was going to object, "You can't use NVC in the courtroom!" Of course, no one did. The moment passed, and after looking to government counsel for confirmation, the witness agreed to my request. Though I had to remind her of her agreement a couple times, overall the cross-examination proceeded much more quickly and smoothly.

My intense, physical reaction to attempting a new way of communicating highlights the difficulty that many of us face when trying to shift our behavior within an established environment. We believe the people around us expect us to act a certain way, and often we react to this by confining our behavior and communication within the narrow bounds of our beliefs about their expectations. There is a way out of this.

If you have found that introducing something new to your workplace is fraught with uncertainty and angst, this book is intended for you. The suggestions in this book can be applied to all areas of your life; nevertheless, the focus is on the workplace, as people often feel uncomfortable trying new communication skills with coworkers, managers, and employees. This can particularly be the case when people are not confident that their needs for sustainability and survival will continue to be met in the work situation.

Yet these work relationships, as much as other relationships, stand to benefit from your NVC knowledge — and we hope your enjoyment of work will increase as a result. We start with the premise that you will be able to use aspects of your NVC skills in the workplace no matter what your skill level. We suggest a set of skills and ways to practice that will build your confidence in your NVC fluency to the point where you will be able to apply what you have learned even in situations where, right now, you have little trust in ever being comfortable using NVC out loud.

A Few Notes Before We Begin

These pages are designed to deepen the learning you have already begun, with the goal that you can comfortably use your Nonviolent Communication skills in your workplace. Before going into the second chapter, we offer some reminders about NVC that will give context for the rest of the book. In Chapter 2, we will...