Bleeding desert everywhere.

Train standing still, middle of the desert, taking a rest. Maybe it died. Maybe we were there permanent, got to settle, build an igloo.

'Train stop,' went the old geezer by me.

'True words mate,' I goes.

'Chapati,' went his missis.

They carried on feeding me up. Nothing else to be doing, get bored and feed up the foreigner. She gave over the chapati.

'Missis,' I turned round and said, 'appreciate your feelings don't get me wrong only you give me any more nosh and I might do us all a mischief you get my meaning?'

'Chai,' she went.

'Now you're talking.'

They got out the flask again. Tea never as hot as it was when they made it ten days ago only you never want it too hot when you got air about four thousand degrees coming in the window.

'Cheers lady.' She never spoke any English only we understood each other like we went out clubbing together. Except they never did a lot of clubbing up Pakistan how I heard it.

New geezer came in the door to our compartment. Fuck knows where he sprung out of. Seemed to reckon we were undercrowded in there, needed his company. Feller was creased like he lived under a camel.

He clocked me up and down same as an eye test. Then he gave it thinking. Then he made his announcement.

'English,' he went.

'Walthamstow mate no problem.'

'David Beckham,' he went.

'Yeah Becks,' I goes. 'Comes from Chingford innit?' I hated geezers from Chingford. Except David's dad Ted was all right as it goes.

'You David Beckham?' he goes.

'No mate. Hard telling us apart mind. Both got good- looking birds.'

They all gave me the eye test. Sure I was David.

'Inswinging free kick,' goes the creased geezer. Spoke five words of English and we just went through them. Seven when you count David Beckham. Nine when you count train and stop.

'West Ham got ten good as him,' I told him. They all looked puzzled. Some reason seemed they never heard of West Ham.

'Speak English bad,' he goes. Two more words.

'Don't you worry about it mate. My Urdu ain't none too bleedin' clever neither. No problem geezer eh?'

'No problem geezer eh?' He just learned some more. I ought to give out lessons.

Train started off again. We all clapped.

There I was, stuck on a chuffer half a day past the middle of nowhere. Bit of a surprise. Not what you expect Monday, wake up normal in El7, reckon on Wednesday you got desert all round.

Time for the introductions, spot of foreign relations after they gave me a ten course dinner.

'Nicky,' I went, sticking out my mitt.

'Pakora,' went the old biddy putting some grub in it.

'No no mate,' I went desperate. 'My name's Nicky. Got a gaff up Howard Road up Walthamstow. Mum lives up Priory Court. Went to school McEntee. One GCSE. Plus Art only that don't count.'

'You have wife?' went the new arrival. Kind of sudden.

'No I ain't,' I turned round and said. 'Never got one of them.'

Started a shock wave. Lot of chat all round, plenty muttering and gasping. Old lady burst into tears. 'No wife,' went the geezer.

'I got my bird,' I goes. 'Name of Noreen. That do?'

'Pakora,' went the old biddy again. 'Chai. Chapati.' She made signs with her mitts like fatten me up. 'Wife,' she goes.

Reckoned I'd try for staying thin.

All started Monday night. Put it down to Noreen cooking.

Last time Noreen cooked they got an eruption at Krakatoa. Bit like her cooking as it goes. This time the eruption was what she planned for my week ahead. All a bit of a shaker.

She belled me dinner time.

'All right Nicky?' she turned round and said. 'You just cleaning them toilets?'

'Stretched out by the gas fire with four birds and a Pernod,' I went. 'Now you mention it. Naked like.'

'Make me proud Nicky. Tell all my mates my man cleans the toilets. All of them wanting to meet you.'

'Yeah right.'

'Nicky I'm cooking tonight.'

'Noreen you want a trank? You got brain fever? Whip you up the quack?'

'And I'm bringing my friend home.'

'Now you're talking. Meaning you never wanting for your mate reckon your geezer does the cooking, innit?'

'Course it ain't, Nicky.'

'Yeah course it ain't. On the pope's bollocks.'

'She got a problem.'

'The pope?'

'Nicky shut it one moment. Now you get down the High Street please and you buy the following. You with me?'

I got ginger and lemon and sweet potatoes and red peppers for the soup and then a spiced bun to go with it. Keep her mate hot.

Two years back I came out of nick and my mates got me this gaff on Howard Rd. I managed all quite nice on my tod for a start off. They doshed the landlord the upfront then we got it sorted for Housing Benefit. Noreen came calling, only the fittest sexiest bit of stuff this side of Canvey Island. So I got a gaff for chilling, I got little Danny my boy visiting, I got no agg off the Old Bill. I got the sweetest tastiest chick in the borough two or three times a week. Life was what they call perfect.

Then Noreen stopped calling two or three times a week on account of she moved right in.

'Mens is better suited to cleaning toilets,' went Noreen. 'And anyway their smells is always worse than girls'. Innit Nicky?'

I drank my tea and watched her bits moving in that shirt. She was verocious was Noreen.

'So who this mate we got coming then?' I turned round and said. 'Queen of Sheba or what?'

'My friend Alia from work Nicky. She got a problem.'

'She a looker then this Alia? She a hot bird?'

'Nicky never you mind winding me up, you never get past the front porch with Alia. Muslim innit?'

'Oh Gawd. Never were ravers them Muslim birds. Never goers.'

'Exactly.'

'You know what you're doing on that soup Noreen? You want any advice?'

'Shut it Nicky.'

'So how she got a problem?'

'Tell you herself Nicky. Be here in a few minutes. Lives round Queen's Rd, we get the tube together.'

'Never turned round and told me you got the tube with some bird.'

'You never asked Nicky.'

Women.

'Know what? You want to put some garlic in that soup Noreen.'

'Shut it Nicky.'

Fair enough. Let her make her play.

'Now you just stir it Nicky while I get in the bath, all right?'

'Never come and watch you? Want your bits rubbed?'

'Just stir the soup Nicky. Rub my bits later.' She gave a little smirk and she was gone.

Then no sooner she got in the bath than the doorbell rang.

I went to the window. Generally we chucked the key down. This time I took one peek at what was stood standing on the ground and I went down for opening the door myself.

She was one fit bird Alia.

'Jesus,' I goes. 'You're one fit bird and that Alia.'

'You must be Nicky. I have heard such a lot about you from Noreen. Thank you for inviting me into your home. Is Noreen there? May I come in?'

They creased me up, Asian birds. Best fucking bodies in London. Politest gobs in the world. All passed about fourteen A-levels. You got as near them as Christmas after next. More likely I come off the dole than put it up an Asian bird.

Reading from the top, Alia got black black hair half length wavy. She got a boat race creamy and shapy. She got mince pies dark and beamy. She got a conk right short with a turn-up. She got teeth for chewing you up with. Down below she got all the bits in the right places. Figure like a weather forecaster. Waist like a wolf. Legs like lychees. She gave me the full scale ten o'clock itch.

'That you Alia?' goes Noreen down the stairs. 'Come on in. Take no notice of Nicky.'

'She hardly clocked my mush yet Noreen let alone took notice.'

'Yeah and a bit. I heard you mouthing off.'

'It doesn't matter Noreen,' went Alia behind me, 'you said he was a bit of a joker, you said he was a very nice boy really and I must not take him too serious.'

Eh?

'Don't let him hear that Alia or he get his head swelled.'

'Very nice boy Noreen?' I went.

'Don't remember Nicky. Maybe I did say that. Monday morning probably when I got a bad head.'

'After I poked you up Sunday?' I whispered through the door when we went up. She giggled.

'Come on in Alia.'

We went in and sat down. No point getting the rum out when you got Muslim visitors. I got the coconut milk down. It was foreign anyhow.

'This is a very nice place Noreen. Is it yours?'

'Matter of fact,' I turned round and said, 'gaff's mine. Noreen only pays the rent, know what I mean?'

'Oh I see.'

'Housing Benefit paid before only then Noreen reckoned she'd save the Council a bit of dosh, moved in.'

'I see.'

I dished up the coconut milk and brought out the coke without rum. Then Noreen went out and got the soup in. Nothing for afters. Asking too much for Noreen cooking two courses. Soup and bun and a few bits.

'Alia got a slight problem,' Noreen goes when we started on the soup. 'And she want you to go to Pakistan Nicky.'

I near as spat my soup all over our guest.

Geezer beside me put his bonce on my shoulder.

Foreigners always were a bit too friendly. I bashed him and he moved off. Put it on the geezer the other side and started up snoring.

Lady with the chapatis got a scarf over her boat race. Hubbie got his Judge Dread back against the board. Eight folk in the compartment and only me and the lady not snoring, her on account of she was a bird and me on account of I was awake.

We stopped. Middle of the night we were up some town, hundreds on the platform getting on and selling tea and boiled eggs and bracelets. My mate opposite took a butcher's and groaned. No one else woke up.

Some time in the night I slept about five minutes. Dreamed about Walthamstow. I was in our gaff on Howard Rd, popped up Hoe St for a paper, came back and made a brew. Noreen was ready for going off to her Uncle Bob, got a number doing computers for British Airways up the West End. I could clock breakfast TV then maybe go down the market and watch my mates thieving out of BHS.

Only I was never in Walthamstow. I was further away from Walthamstow than I reckoned you could get. Been through the desert, still the middle of bleeding nowhere. Not a lot going down out there. Long way off to buy a paper. Get peckish and it was a fucking long walk for a take-away. Even an Indian takeaway.

I was not one happy geezer.

'You see Nicky,' went Noreen again, 'Alia got this problem and she need to get it sorted right quick, you get my meaning?'

'Pakistan?' I went weak.

'Perhaps I had better explain,' Alia turned round and said.

'Perhaps it better you never go no further.'

'Nicky I already spoke for you,' Noreen goes. 'Seeing as how you're my man.'

'You already spoked for me?' I goes.

'You see Nicky,' Alia started off again, 'it is all about my brother Kamran.'

Long pause. I was smelling rats. Fact I was smelling so many rats you could start a rat farm.

'What your second name Alia?' I goes.

'Malik.'

Shit.

'So your bro, his name Kamran Malik?'

'Yes, that's my brother, Kamran Malik.'

'Fucking clever geezer? Bit of a footballer?'

'That's him.'

Noreen was sliding off in the kitchen, crafty little tart.

Long pause while I considered my options. None.

'Noreen?' I goes.

'Yes Nicky?' All sweet and innocent.

'You reckon by any possibility you were knowing how Alia's bro was Kamran Malik, went to McEntee with me and Vinnie and Jimmy and that?'

'Who me, Nicky?'

Say no fucking more. Noreen stitched me like a truss. Always knew I never could turn down any geezer I went to school with, point of respect. Except a couple went in the Old Bill was different. Noreen got me sorted all ways.

Shit and fuck.

'Carry on Alia,' I goes. I was stitched.

* * *

'Kamran went to Pakistan you see,' she turned round and said.

'Seems reasonable.'

'Two months ago. He went to see our family in Karachi and Lahore.'

'Fair enough.'

'And then we have never heard any more of him. He has disappeared.'

'Got some bird. No doubting it. Putting it up some Asian bird in some harem. Not likely he tell your mum and dad all the knockings. Keep it on the hush.'

'No Nicky.'

'No?'

'It is not a possibility. White families are like that. We Asian families are not like that. Kamran would not disappear.'

'Or put it up some bird?'

'Nicky ...' went Noreen warning.

'It is all right Noreen,' goes Alia. 'I understand what men are like, even my brother. But he could not do it in Pakistan. It is not possible.'

'They unnatural or what?'

'No, they are not unnatural Nicky. But they would not do it. And even if they wanted to they would not have any opportunity.'

'Get your meaning.' I reckoned there got to be a lot of birds panting for it out in Pakistan.

'So Noreen said, you being not very busy at the moment —'

'Unemployed,' goes Noreen.

'Very busy indeed,' I turned round and said.

'And also seeing that you very kindly got one or two people's problems sorted out for them before —'

'Full time job looking after Noreen, know what I mean? Very busy.'

'We wondered if you would consider coming out to Pakistan with me on Tuesday. To see if we can find Kamran, find out what has happened to him. If there has been ...' she choked up, '... foul play.'

Tuesday. Today was Monday. How I reckoned it, Tuesday was tomorrow.

'So,' carries on Noreen, 'Alia got your visa in your passport today up their embassy.'

'Passport,' I went weak. 'In my drawer innit?'

Alia took it out her bag and showed me the visa.

Then she took some tabs out. 'And these being them malaria pills,' she goes. 'You start taking them with your supper, right?'

'You make sure you swallow them right down,' goes Noreen.

'And we have got you a ticket to go to Karachi tomorrow night at ten o'clock. I do hope you can make the trip Nicky. It would be so helpful. Noreen says you are just right for it and you know how these people's minds work.'

'These people?'

'Like the criminal mind Nicky. In case there are criminals.'

'You being one once,' goes Noreen threatening.

'PAKISTAN! I went. 'PAKISTAN! I DON'T KNOW FUCKING NOTHING ABOUT FUCKING PAKISTAN!'

'Why I'm coming with you,' goes Alia.

'DON'T EVEN SPEAKING THE FUCKING LANGUAGE!'

'Soon pick it up,' goes Noreen. 'Seeing as you speak French and that.'

Then I clocked it.

'What you turn round and say, Alia?'

'What about, Nicky?'

'About you coming ...?'

'Oh, that. Yes, we agreed, Noreen and me, that you would come with me. I am going anyway and you can be my travelling companion you see.'

'Oh ...'

'Nicky ...' went Noreen.

'Travelling companion?'

'Nicky ...'

'I could not stay in the same place as you of course,' Alia turned round and said.

'No?'

'No. You see, Nicky, things are quite different in Pakistan. It would cause a very nasty business and people would think I was a prostitute. Of course I know you are very honourable and you would never try anything with me ...'

'Course not,' I goes hasty.

'Never even cross your mind,' goes Noreen.

'But I shall not be far away and I will take you everywhere for the first week or so.'

'First week ...?' I goes feeble.

'Noreen says you will be perfectly all right after the first week or two. She says that whenever you go anywhere strange, like Jamaica or Tottenham, it takes you a little while to feel at home but then you settle down quite nicely. So I can take you around and make all the introductions but then of course I must come back to work. Noreen says —'

'Catch your drift,' I went. 'Noreen spoked.'

'So we leave tomorrow night at ten o'clock from Heathrow,' she turned round and said. 'We should be at the airport by seven. This is very, very kind of you Nicky and all my family will respect and love you for it. We feel sure that you and I together will be able to find out what has happened to Kamran. Even if' – she went dark – 'even if it is something very bad.'

Then she came over and kissed me on the cheek. In front Noreen so I never took the oppo for stroking up her tits, bad career move. She smelled like a film star's bathroom.

'I got a snooker match Friday,' I goes weak.

'Ricky can play instead,' Noreen turned round and said. Ricky being her brother and that.

'He's playing already.'

'I can play then.'

'Birds not allowed. Spoils the atmosphere.'

'You just get up Pakistan Nicky, help Alia find her brother. Shouldn't be no trouble at all, probably his postcard got lost or he never learned to use the e-mail. We heard he landed. You just ask a few questions, find him out and then you be back by Christmas.'

Today was January.

Noreen and me we got a system for doing the house work and sex. Least she got a system and I obeyed.

One thing I found out when Noreen moved in was how women went strange on you. You just marked them normal then they turned out not like geezers at all. One of their ways was how they were always wanting for doing something different.

Far as I was concerned you got a good habit you stopped in it no worries. So when Noreen reckoned she was sharing my gaff it all went sweet. She went off to work, I dossed round, spot of cleaning spot of cooking, she came home and we got a few spliffs and a Pernod and I put it up her. Sorted.