DEAD GEEZER WAS waiting on my stairs.

'Evening geezer,' I went.

He never answered.

There I was, got the tea to cook. Needed to get out and buy an eighth off Jimmy Foley before Noreen came home. Fucking dead geezer reckoned he'd be waiting for me. It was inconsiderate.

I kicked him. He still never answered.

Wasn't used to clocking dead geezers. Excepting the two I wasted by accident I never clocked anyone who got the big one.

Never ought to get past the outside door only the fucking people downstairs kept on losing their keys so they left the Chubb off and came in the Yale with their cash card. Same way the geezer did probably.

'Jesus,' I turned round and said. 'As if I ain't got troubles enough.'

Went in our door and put the groceries down. Switched the kettle on and checked the time. Five o'clock. George my warrant officer ought to be home by now. I belled him. 'George mate,' I turned round and said.

'Oh my good Gawd,' he went.

'Good to chat to you George,' I goes. 'Always good to check you out you knows that.'

'Nicky,' he goes, 'can't you ring the bleeding office like anyone else does? How did you get my home number when I just changed it again? S'pose you're bringing me nothing but grief?'

'Grief never comes handy George,' I goes philosophical. 'Grief waits for no geezer. What it is George see, I comes home minding no one's business except my own and what do I find? Only a dead geezer. Dead geezer croaked on my stairs is all.'

'Dead geezer? You got a dead geezer on your stairs?'

'I believe that's what I just turned round and said George.'

'Jesus Nicky it follows you around, don't it? You kill him?'

'Fuck's sake George! Told you he was sat here waiting! Waiting dead.'

'You know who he is?'

'I ain't got no fuckin' idea. Definitely a geezer. Ain't no bird. Cuts it down.'

'You sure he's dead? You tested his pulse?'

'No George I ain't tested his pulse. I ain't given him no mouth-to-mouth job neither.'

'Nicky you test his pulse then you ring the hospital straight away, you get me? Tell them if he's alive or dead before they start out.'

'No George I ain't doing that.'

'Why not Nicky for God's sake?'

'Well George there ain't generally no call for checking a geezer's pulse when he got the back of his bonce smashed up and then, just in case you got any doubt, it looks like they strangled him in the bargain, being as how he got his tongue down his chin and he got a rope round his neck.'

'Jesus.'

'Then they shot him in the back George, part of the package.'

'God Nicky.'

'They never liked him George.'

'It don't sound like it.'

'They never wanted him borrowing no more fivers till giro day.'

'Nicky you got to get on the blower right off. 999, police, ambulance, the lot.'

'Fire brigade?'

'No never mind the fire brigade only you ring the police now —'

'George I got you for my warrant officer so I rings you when I got a problem. You knows how they mess with you when you got a bit of form. Never fancy getting a kicking round them cells just on account of some geezer got brown bread on my stairs. Want you there George please mate like a witness you reckon seeing as how you're Old Bill. Look after my interests like.'

'Jesus Nicky, you ain't heard they privatised us? I ain't in the bleeding police force any more, I'm a bleeding civilian. They gave me the choice Nicky, be a civilian or go back on the beat. You ain't heard?' Heard all right. George gave me the news about a million times over. One unhappy geezer. Made my heart bleed.

'Yeah George only once Old Bill always Old Bill innit? Maybe no one told them up Chingford anyway.'

'And Nicky you reckon I'm your warrant officer but you're forgetting you're straight these days, ain't that right? No more fines? Only thing you did the last couple of years was kill someone and they never did fine people for that.'

'It was an accident George and anyway you may have forgot the stress and tribulation on me like my brief turned round and said. Like I never will recover from that stress. Truth George they ought to give me compensation dosh for all that, not start the other way round innit?' George he made a rude noise.

'Knew you'd help me out George, so I sit here and wait while you come round with Old Bill.'

'Jesus Nicky ...'

So I cut him then belled Noreen, got her just before she left work, told her go by her mum till I checked her there. Gave her the bones, give her the rest later. Told her it was never down to me some geezer came round dead.

Noreen sounded like she never gave it much cred. Even you told the truth your woman never believed it. Fact was she sounded upset. Get on my case about dead geezers coming round her place. Maybe give her a spot of emotion later bring her round. Bit of sobbing always helped with birds.

I took a close-up on the back of his bonce.

Bits oozing out. You reckon inside some geezer's Judge Dread they got to have a load of gravy. Not this geezer's. White bits, brown bits, black bits all mash up. Like pebble dash and my mum's rice pudding mixed together, melt him down for bonemeal and put him on your garden. Only a bit of hot sauce lying on top.

One other point you got to mention before Old Bill came round. He was wearing a suit. And shiny shoes. So he never came up Howard Road brassick. And like as not he was carrying pennies. I put on Noreen's gardening gloves. Four pot plants and she bought state-of-the-fucking-monte gardening gloves. I lifted his wallet. Never checked his cards or his bleeding family photos or whatnot. Only borrowed a century. Left another two still there. No problem.

Arrangement with Noreen was I never went out committing crimes or I was history. Not the case I reckoned I never committed crimes that came by my door. Not even a crime you looked at it sensible. Feller never had the need any more. Wanted me to have it.

His neck was a state you had to reckon. Rope near as took his head off. Eyes popping. True as I stood here his tongue hung down his chin. Gravy came out his hooter and his lugs. Then more off his back where they plugged him. All over the fucking stairs and who cleaned it up? I got permanent aggravation off downstairs about who cleaned the fucking staircase. Landlord never wanted to know. I reckoned it got to be their responsibility downstairs. Fair enough I used the stairs for climbing up only they got them all day.

Geezer was smelling already. Maybe he smelled like that before he signed off. I went and brewed the tea.

Fucking hundreds of them and not one gave me any more cred than Noreen. Nor went for that emotion.

Old Bill never believed anyone, principle, only they extra never believed me. All on account of how I had a bit of bother way back with a chief superintendent.

They sat down in my gaff never asked.

'Look fellers,' I went. 'Look fellers you all know me right, know how I was always helpful?'

Reckoned I heard some fucker spit somewhere.

'You got DS TT Holdsworth on duty?'

'TT's on a course,' they went. 'Interpersonal skills.'

Then we all burst out cackling and it got a bit easier after that so I got the rum out. They still never believed me only they never arrested you after you got the rum out, count on it.

'You know who he is?' went that CID Inspector, name of Forrest.

'This dead geezer on your stairs?'

'He ain't a well man,...