Mark Mason is a supporter of Coventry City Football Club. Despite this fact he retains a strong interest in the game. His own skills on the football field can perhaps be most charitably described as 'non-existent'. Equally at home in defence or attack (i.e. not at all), his one and only shot on goal, in a school match at the age of 12, was a mere matter of inches wide. Of the corner flag.

In football, as in so many areas of life, those who can't do, teach. Those who can't teach, become England manager. But for those whose capabilities fall below even this basic level, there is nothing left except to write about the game. Accordingly Mason has penned football articles for a variety of newspapers and magazines, as well as producing documentaries on the subject for the BBC. In the course of these endeavours he has hoped that interviewing players would cause some of their magic to rub off on him. Anyone who sees the look of terror in his eyes whenever he has to kick the ball back to a group of six-year-olds in the park will know that it hasn't.

Never before has the ability to bluff your way in football been as vital as now. From boardroom to building site, from wine bar to pub, every other conversation seems to be about the game. The smartest dinner parties, which once echoed to talk of Plato and the Old Vic, now concern themselves with Pele and Old Trafford. In short, if you cannot talk about football, you cannot take part in modern life.
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Play on
An experiment was once undertaken at a football match to discover just how much time had been frittered away. It was found that the ball had been in play for 43 of the 90 minutes. How those conducting the experiment had managed to pick a match with quite so much genuine action in it remains a mystery.

Game preparation
If you arrive at your seat slightly earlier you will witness two sights for which it is important to be prepared. The first is the players of your team warming up. This will involve them passing the ball to each other, shooting the ball into the net from 30 yards out, and running together in a co-ordinated and organised manner. None of these things will happen during the match.

Routine miss
Set pieces are pre-prepared routines that sides employ when they have control of the game at a free kick. They will have been practised on the training ground to the point where every single player knows his role in the plan off by heart. They will then be re-enacted in the match after a substitute has come on who missed training that morning, and who will accidentally block his team-mate's final shot at goal.


Fickle fans
You must accept that football supporters are fickle creatures. If a player who has been having an awful game and attracting the condemnation of his fans suddenly scores the winning goal, he will instantly become the best player in the world and his name will be chanted in glowing terms for the rest of the match.