Using Nonviolent Communication to Resolve Conflicts

The Nonviolent Communication practices that support conflict resolution involve:

a) expressing our own needs;

b) sensing the needs of others regardless of how others are expressing themselves;

c) checking to see if needs are accurately being received;

d) providing the empathy people need in order to hear the needs of others; and

e) translating proposed solutions or strategies into positive action language.

Defining and Expressing Needs (Needs Are Not Strategies)

It has been my experience that if we keep our focus on needs, our conflicts tend toward a mutually satisfactory resolution. Keeping our focus on needs, we express our own needs, clearly understand the needs of others, and avoid any language that implies wrongness of the other party. The following are some of the basic human needs we all share:

Autonomy

• to choose one's dreams, goals, and values

• to choose one's plan for fulfilling one's dreams, goals, and values

Celebration

• to celebrate the creation of life and dreams fulfilled

• to celebrate losses: loved ones, dreams, etc. (mourning)

Integrity

• authenticity

• creativity

• meaning

• self-worth

Interdependence

• acceptance

• appreciation

• closeness

Interdependence continued

• community

• consideration

• contribution to the enrichment of life (to exercise one's power by giving that which contributes to life)

• emotional safety

• empathy

• honesty (the empowering honesty that enables us to learn from our limitations)

• love

• reassurance

• respect

• support

• trust

• understanding

• warmth

Physical Nurturance

• air

• food

• movement, exercise

Physical Nurturance continued

• protection from life-threatening forms of life: viruses, bacteria, insects, predatory animals, etc.

• rest

• sexual expression

• shelter

• touch

• water

Play

• fun

• laughter

Spiritual Communion

• beauty

• harmony

• inspiration

• order

• peace

Unfortunately, I've found that very few people are literate in expressing needs. Instead they have been trained to criticize, insult, and otherwise communicate in ways that create distance among people. As a result, even in conflicts for which resolutions exist, resolutions are not found. And instead of both parties expressing their own needs and understanding the needs of the other party, both sides play the game of who's right. That game is more likely to end in various forms of verbal, psychological, or physical violence than in peaceful resolution of differences.

Since needs are such a vital component of this approach to conflict resolution, I'd like to clarify what I'm referring to when I talk about needs. Needs, as I use the term, can be thought of as resources life requires to sustain itself. For example, our physical well-being depends on our needs for air, water, rest, and food being fulfilled. Our psychological and spiritual well-being is enhanced when our needs for understanding, support, honesty, and meaning are fulfilled.

As I'm defining needs, all human beings have the same needs. Regardless of our gender, educational level, religious beliefs. or nationality, we have the same needs. What differs from person to person is the strategy for fulfilling needs. I've found that it facilitates conflict resolution to keep our needs separate from the strategies that might fulfill our needs.

One guideline for separating needs from strategies is to keep in mind that needs contain no reference to specific people taking specific action. In contrast, effective strategies — or what are more commonly referred to as wants, requests, desires, and "solutions" — do refer to specific people taking specific actions. An exchange between a husband and wife who had just about given up on their marriage will clarify this important difference between needs and strategies.

I asked the husband what needs of his were not being fulfilled in the marriage. He responded, "I need to get out of this relationship." Since he was talking about a specific person (himself) taking specific action (leaving the marriage) he was not expressing a need as I define needs. Instead he was telling me a strategy that he was thinking of taking. I pointed this out to him and suggested that we delay talking about strategies until we had really clarified both his needs and the needs of his wife. When they were able to clarify their needs, both saw that there were other strategies besides ending the relationship that could meet their needs. And I'm pleased to say that in the two years since that time, they've developed a relationship within the marriage that is very satisfactory to both.

Many people find it difficult to express needs. This lack of "need literacy" creates problems when people want to resolve conflicts. As an example, I would like to tell you about a husband and wife whose attempts to resolve conflicts had led them to visit physical violence upon one another.

I had been working in the husband's workplace offering some training, and at the end of the training, the husband asked me if he could talk to me privately. He tearfully expressed the situation between his wife and himself, and asked if I would meet with them to support them in resolving some of their conflicts. The wife agreed, and so I went there that evening.

I began by saying: "I'm aware that you're both in a lot of pain. I would suggest that we begin with each of you expressing whatever needs of yours are not being fulfilled in the relationship. Once you've understood one another's needs, I'm confident we can explore some strategies to meet those needs."

What I was asking them both required a literacy of expressing needs and an ability to understand one another's needs. Unfortunately, they weren't able to do as I suggested. They didn't have the literacy. Instead of expressing his needs, the husband said, "The problem with you is that you're totally insensitive to my needs." Immediately his wife responded by saying, "That's...