The ADHD Effect

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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity....

— Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

Marriages affected by ADHD, like all marriages, range from highly successful to completely disastrous. It is safe to say, though, that those distorted by ADHD symptoms sit squarely in "the worst of times." Pain and anger abound. During the worst times, you can barely talk to each other. When you do, you rarely agree or see things the same way. You're frustrated that you've gotten to this point, and you're incredulous that you haven't been able to make things better. Both of you have begun to suspect that your spouse doesn't really want to improve things. If he or she did, wouldn't things have gotten better by now?

If you are married to a person who has (or might have) ADHD, you might feel ignored and lonely in your relationship. Your spouse never seems to follow up on what he agrees to do — so much so that you may feel as if you really have another child in your home instead of an adult. You feel you're forced to remind him all the time to do things. You nag, and you've started to dislike the person you've become. The two of you either fight often or have virtually nothing to say to each other that either of you finds meaningful. You are frustrated that your spouse seems to be able to focus intently on things that interest him, but never on you. Perhaps worst of all, you feel intense stress from not knowing whether you can rely on him and feeling saddled with almost all of the responsibilities of the household, while your spouse gets to "have all the fun."

If you have ADHD, (or think you do), you may feel as if the person you married is buried deep within a nagging monster that lives in your home. The person you had cherished has been transformed into a control freak, trying to manage every single detail of your life together. No matter how hard you try, you can never do well enough for your spouse, even if you are successful elsewhere, such as in your work. The easiest way to deal with her is simply to leave her alone. You're willing to admit that you make mistakes sometimes, but so does she — and certainly, no one is perfect. You wish she would just relax once in a while and live life as a happy person, instead of a harpy.

If either of these descriptions sounds familiar, you are suffering from what I call the ADHD effect. Your courtship was happy and exciting (and often fast), but your marriage has been co