Before You Begin

Everyone Is Different

Parenting is the most wonderful job you can do and probably the most frustrating. Successful parenting causes people to grow and change. Parents are pushed and tested in ways unmatched in any other work. I'm glad you're reading this booklet. It suggests that you are willing to grow with your child.

Love & Limits has tools you can use with your children. It has many tools because everyone is different. Something that works well for another person may not work for you. That's okay. There are enough ideas here for everyone. Your job is to find a tool that will work — for both you and your child.

Some people want one tool they can use all the time. There are none. No tool works all the time. This is because children grow and change. When a tool no longer works, try another tool. Keep trying until you find one that works for you and your child.

Both you and your child will feel better about each other because you have used tools that build your child's self-esteem instead of tools that hurt or shame him or her.

Where to Start

Love & Limits offers you both child guidance tools and a four-step process for solving problems. If the problem is serious or really bothers you, use the process to guide you. If your problem is not serious, you can experiment with different tools. First, we will review the tools and then the process.

Star Points and Tools

Love & Limits offers many child guidance tools. These tools are grouped into five points or sets of tools. As you can see in the star above, each point focuses on a different aspect of parenting. The more points you use when dealing with a problem, the more likely you will be to resolve the problem satisfactorily.

Avoid the problem. Many problems can be avoided by reducing stress, by changing things or the schedule, or by offering choices. When you reduce the number of hassles with kids you can work more effectively on the issues that are important to you.

Look for good behavior and reward cooperation. The behavior you notice and comment on is the behavior you get. This is true regardless of whether you praise or nag. You can encourage desired behavior by looking for it, giving the child time to cooperate, and rewarding the desired behavior.

Acknowledge feelings. Many problems arise from children's feelings. Children need to know that feelings are different from behavior. And they need to know that their feelings are accepted (not judged or changed). Often, simply acknowledging their feelings reduces objectional behavior.

Set limits. Providing the clear, reasonable rules kids need is an essential skill for effective parenting. There don't have to be many rules, but they need to be clear and reasonable for the child. Back up rules with consequences and dependable follow-through.

Teach new skills. Some parenting conflicts arise because parents expect children to have skills that the children do not have. You can teach new skills (such as sharing, cleaning a room, or managing anger) by modeling, dividing the task into small pieces, and by asking the child to re-do it right.

The three tools for each point of the star are briefly described in the accompanying table.

Problem-Solving Process

Love & Limits offers a simple problem-solving process. It is easy to remember and easy to use. It is based on the word STAR. Each letter stands for one step in the process:

S — Stop and focus

T — Think of ideas

A — Act effectively

R — Review, revise, reward

Stop and focus on yourself, your child, and the problem. Get an idea of where you are and where you want to go before you do something that may make life more difficult for you and your child.

Think of ideas. Lots of ideas. Different ideas. You can use the star tools (described in the next section) as a place to start.

Act effectively. The most wonderful plan will not work if you don't "do it." Pick your battles. Chose your timing. Get the support you need to carry out the plan.

Review, revise, reward. Few plans work completely the first time. Most successful parents need to tweak their plans several times before the situation is satisfactorily resolved. Reward yourself for effort or success.

Commitment

Tools and a plan will only be successful if you know what you want. Otherwise, the day-to-day frustrations and pressures will tempt you to make decisions that will work against you in the long run. Take time to look at what you want for your child.

Understanding Kids

What's reasonable, what's not.

It is easier to guide children's behavior when your expectations are realistic. Children differ both in development and temperament. Often well-meaning parents confuse normal developmental behavior with defiance or irresponsibility.

Temperament

Researchers found nine personality traits that are relatively constant through time. People can be intense on one trait and low on another. Most people fall between the extremes. Each trait is valuable in some situations and a handicap in others.

Traits that often distress parents are high activity, high intensity, and high persistence. If you have an active, intense, persistent child, your life with him or her will be more challenging than if your child is quiet. However, the same traits that are frustrating in children are wonderful in adults. The challenge is learning how to work with them.

Temperament Traits

Activity level — some kids have high activity and energy levels, while others have low energy and rarely fidget.

Intensity — some children are intense whether they are happy or mad. Others are quiet and reserved most of the time.

Approach/withdrawal — some kids automatically approach new people, food, or situations. Others initially resist most new things.

Adaptability — some children adapt quickly to change regardless of their initial opinion. Other children take weeks or months to adapt.

Sensitivity to physical world — Some children are extremely aware of light, sound, temperature, and texture of clothes and things. Others are oblivious to the physical world.

Mood — some children are born happy and cheerful. Others are often irritable and upset.

Persistence — some children have a long attention span, even for things they have difficulty with. Others have a short attention span.

Regularity — some children have a precise internal clock. They eat, sleep, and toilet at the same time each day. Other children have an irregular clock. They nap hours one day and 15 minutes another.

Distractibility — some children are easily distracted by...