Touchstone One

In the companion text....

We discussed the necessity of opening to the presence of the pain of your divorce experience. To heal in grief, you must honor — not avoid — the pain. One way to embrace the pain while at the same time maintaining hope for the future is by setting your intention to heal. Even as you "dose" your pain and set your intention to heal and transcend, remember that healing in grief does not happen quickly or efficiently. Also remember that the common perception of "doing well" in divorce grief is erroneous. To "do well" with your grief, you must not be strong and silent, but rather mourn all that you have lost openly and honestly.

As you were reading Transcending Divorce, you discovered that honoring your grief means "recognizing the value of" and "respecting" your grief. You learned that while it is not instinctive to view grief and the need to openly mourn as something to honor, the end of your marriage requires that you mourn. You also learned that to honor the grief surrounding your divorce is not self-destructive or harmful. It is self-sustaining and life-giving!

Describe the ways in which you have honored the grief that accompanies your divorce experience. If you feel you have not been honoring your divorce grief, write about ways you could begin to do so.

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Dosing Your Pain

You have learned that the pain of your divorce grief will keep trying to get your attention until you have the courage to gently, and in small doses, embrace it. How is the pain of your divorce grief trying to get your attention?

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Soul Work and Spirit Work

You have learned that there is an important distinction between "soul work" and "spirit work." In addition, you now realize that "soul work" precedes "spirit work" on the path to transcendence. Where do you see yourself right now in this process that you are now aware you must honor?

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Setting Your Intention to Heal and Transcend

When you set your intention to heal, you make a true commitment to positively influence the course of your divorce journey. You choose between being what I call a "passive witness" or an "active participant" in your divorce experience.

Describe below your understanding of the difference between being a "passive witness" to your experience or an "active participant."

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You learned that when you set your intention to heal and eventually transcend your divorce experience, you make a commitment to positively influence the course of your life. Use the space below to explore your intention or intentions to integrate this divorce into your life and ultimately heal and experience "integration."

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Integrating Your Divorce Grief

Integrating your divorce into your life does not happen quickly or efficiently. How do you feel about your capacity to go slow and be patient with yourself as you journey through this experience?

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No Reward for Speed

Do you see yourself having the capacity to both "work at" and "surrender" to your grief surrounding your divorce? If so, why? If not, why not?

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Face Any Inappropriate Expectations

Sometimes people around you give you messages that tell you to "be strong" in the face of your divorce. Has this happened to you? If so, write about it below.

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Sometimes people who openly mourn the loss of their marriage feel ashamed of their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Do you feel any sense of shame or embarrassment about how you are mourning? If so, write about it below.

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Staying Open to the Ripple Effects of Divorce

What ripple effects of loss apply to your unique experience? Review this list and see which ones you identify with the most. Write about the ones you have placed checkmarks beside. What additional losses would you add to your list?

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Divorce Grief is Not a Disease

While divorce grief is a powerful experience, so too is your ability to help yourself heal. Write about any steps you've taken (even baby steps) to help you begin to heal.

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Free Write

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Touchstone Two

Dispel the Misconceptions About Divorce and Grief

In the companion text....

We discovered that many of the perceptions we may have — and society often teaches us — about divorce and grief aren't true at all. For example, grieving and mourning your divorce are NOT the same thing. Getting a divorce does NOT mean you are a failure. Many misconceptions color our experience of divorce. The trick is to sort out fact from fiction. I hope this section of this journal will help you do just that!

Misconception 1: Grief and mourning are the same thing.

Did you believe that grieving the loss of your marriage and mourning the loss of your marriage were the same thing? If so, how has this misconception affected you?

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Now that we've explored the difference between grief and mourning, in what ways do you see yourself mourning the loss of your marriage — that is, openly and honestly...