Planning a Funeral is a Privilege

As you consider the funeral, try to remember that planning the funeral of someone you love is not a burden, but a privilege. Think of the funeral as a gift to the person who died. It is your chance to think about and express the value of the life that was lived. It is also your chance to say hello on the pathway to goodbye!

This is not to deny your need to mourn and to embrace painful feelings of grief in the coming days. You may feel deep sadness as you plan this funeral and begin to acknowledge the reality of the death. But when all is said and done, you will also feel deep satisfaction that you have helped plan a meaningful tribute to someone who has meant a lot to you.

Making The Initial Decisions

"When we pause to discover the sacredness in life and death through the use of ceremony, we are reborn, renewed, transformed."

— Alan Wolfelt

Having A Family Meeting

It is often helpful to have a private family meeting before going in to see the funeral director. This can be a time for expressing your grief together as well as a time for some initial decision-making.

Find a place free of interruptions and sit down together. You might use this planning guide to discuss the different types of services available to your family. Try as best you can to include everyone in the discussion. No one should feel left out.

Also remember that even though you as family members are feeling drained, now is a time to strive for family unity. Try to pull together and consider the needs of all family members and friends. Don't always choose the "easy" things; instead, plan to include the elements of funeral ceremonies that will ultimately help all of you reconcile yourself to this death.

As you begin to discuss service options, you may be faced with the conflict of honoring the wishes of the person who has died as well as your own wishes as survivors. While it is natural to want to meet the requests of the person who died, do consider changes or embellishments that will be helpful to your family. Remember — funerals are for the living and if you have a need, now is the time to express it.

"A man's dying is more the survivors' affair than his own."

— Thomas Mann

Choosing a Funeral Home

The funeral home and its staff play a critical role in the planning and carrying out of a meaningful funeral. After all, they are the people with training and expertise and you will rely on them in the next several days. Their advice, their compassion, their attention to detail and their willingness to personalize THIS ceremony will greatly influence the funeral you end up with.

There are differences among funeral homes. Some are very good at helping families and some aren't so good. Some are open to new ideas and to adding unique, personalized touches in honor of the person who died — and some aren't.

So, which funeral home will you use? Because you probably have so little time (and even less energy) right now, it's unreasonable to expect you to visit and interview several funeral homes before selecting one. (If you have the time and energy, by all means, do.) But you can read over and consider the following list of questions before deciding. You can also phone local friends, family, neighbors, and clergy and ask for their recommendations.

• What is the reputation of this funeral home? Have you talked with other families who have used their services? What do they have to say?

• Which funeral home has your family used in the past? Did you have a meaningful experience and receive good service and respect from the staff? Does the funeral home have a true commitment to the families it serves?

• Do you already know someone on the staff at a funeral home? If so, could he or she help ensure that you will receive excellent service?

• Where is the funeral home located? Is it in a convenient location? What is the facility like? Is it clean and well-kept? Is the decor a good match for the tastes of your family? (If you are using another location for the visitation and ceremony, such as a church, these questions may not apply to you.)

• Does the funeral home provide services beyond the funeral itself? Do they provide grief education and support materials? Can the funeral home refer you and your family for additional services you might want and need?

• Is the funeral home willing to openly discuss costs? Do they provide itemized or package pricing? Can they provide you with a description of the services you will receive? (Note that the Federal Trade Commission requires that all funeral homes provide itemized pricing information on a general price list so that customers can compare prices. Do not hesitate to ask to review the funeral home's general price list and ask them to clarify any questions you may have.)

Keep in mind that the funeral you have is essentially a statement your family makes to the community at large: "Someone precious to us has died. We are in grief and invite you to join us in remembering a life and supporting each other." Ask yourself: Will this funeral home help me create a service unique to our needs and values?

Notes on local funeral homes (jot down phone numbers, too)

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Working With Your Funeral Director

Every bit as important as the funeral home you choose is the specific funeral director who will help you with the arrangements and service details.

What makes an excellent funeral director? He or she should be able to provide you the information, knowledge and counsel you need to plan a funeral that will meet your family's needs. The funeral director you work with should also be genuine, warm, and caring. He or she should be capable of helping facilitate (which literally means "to make easier") a meaningful ceremony for you and your family.

An excellent funeral director will have empathy for how difficult and draining arranging a funeral can be for you and your family. It is here that his or her genuine caring and sensitivity should shine through.

Does the funeral director listen and respect your unique needs? Does he or she encourage you to be creative and offer suggestions on how to personalize the service? Does the funeral director have the desire and ability to connect with you and your family? Is he or she patient and willing to take as much time as you need to plan and carry out a meaningful service?

If you so choose, will the funeral director allow you to help care for the body of the...