I Don't Know What I Want

When you graduate from school and start your career, you're kind of like an animal that's wandered out of the forest onto a busy highway. You see your future rushing toward you, but you feel paralyzed — frozen in the headlights. You know you have to pick a direction and get your ass moving, but you can't feel your legs, so you just stand there, stupefied, thinking, FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK HOLY FUCK I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?!

You're supposed to know which direction to move in, right?

The answer is no. You're not supposed to know which direction to move in. You're not supposed to know what you want or how to get there.

Most of the career rookies I work with feel like epic failures because they don't know what they want. They say things like:

Why can't I just get my shit together and pick something already?

WTF is wrong with me? Shouldn't I have this figured out by now?

Not only do they feel lost, but they feel stupid for not having it figured out — ashamed of their uncertainty.

Maybe this is how you feel, too.

But you shouldn't feel ashamed of your uncertainty.

Don't get me wrong, it totally makes sense that you would feel ashamed of your uncertainty. For the past 20-odd years, you've had a team of people cheering you on, saying, Work hard and you can be anything! We live in a hyped-up, fulfillment-obsessed society that constantly screams FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!!!

But how can you follow your dreams if you don't know what they are?

That's where the shame comes in. You think, Jesus, after all of this support and encouragement, how do I still not know what I want? So you assume the problem is you, and the self-flagellation begins.

Here's why the problem isn't you: At the same time as society has been cheerleading you to follow your dreams, it has also sternly been pointing its bony finger at you, saying, Follow the rules. Those two messages together amount to a weird kind of doublethink that essentially says, Follow your dreams! As long as they fit into this rigid set of broadly accepted rules! It's a mindfuck.

When kids are very young, they're encouraged to dream. I want to be a ballerina when I grow up! I'm going to be a baseball player! I want to make cakes! I want to be president! I'm going to be a singer!

Aw, isn't that sweet, people think, saying, Good for you! Dream big, kiddo!

But at some point, the societal doublethink kicks in, and words like rules and should and practical become more important. Suddenly we're forced to choose between should and want. And since the loving adults in our lives want us to be safe, they gently guide us to fall in line. This happens earlier than you might think.

The other day I was waiting to pick up a friend at the bus station. A little boy and his mother were siting in the bank of chairs behind me. As he played with his crayons, he said to his mom, "I'm going to be an artist when I grow up!"

"No, honey. That's not a real job," his mom said.

"Oh," said the kid.

"You can work at a bank like Daddy! Or you can be an architect! Wouldn't that be fun?"

"What's an architect?"

"Architects get to draw pictures of big buildings."

"Oh, okay," said the kid, and he went on with his coloring. He didn't seem discouraged or upset or even like he had been paying much attention to the conversation, but the seed was planted. He was six.

Fifteen years from now, that kid could be graduating from art school or design school, but instead he'll probably be graduating from business school or engineering school with a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach, thinking, Something doesn't feel right. I'm not really sure if I want this. On the other hand, I don't know what I DO want.

And that feeling will be 100% legit. He doesn't know what he wants because he wasn't allowed to want it. Years of even the most gentle and loving conditioning will do that to you. In fact, most of us at one time or another have been told that we're not allowed to want what we want — whether it was by a parent or teacher or society at large, and whether it was said sternly or gently.

That's how you lose touch with your desire. You push it down because it's not allowed. You start following the rules and doing everything "right." You adjust your expectations and dream appropriately. And then you slog it out in school for at least 15 years, and then graduate and wonder, How do I not know what I want? What is WRONG with me?

It's not you, honey. It's them.

Cautionary Tales

So you don't know what you want. (We'll get there, I promise.) But you know what you don't want: a job that makes you want to walk off the edge of a tall building. You don't want to settle, but you don't want to chase some impossible pipe dream either. You don't want to go to some shit job every day that makes you feel bored or frustrated or burned out or like you're selling a little piece of your soul with each passing Monday. You know those people. It's your mom/dad/Uncle Jim/every other sorry schmuck who hates their job.

Figuring out what you want for your career is a lot of pressure off the bat, especially when you're feeling clueless. But you know what's easier? Getting clear on what you don't want. That's a good place to start because some of that stuff is probably on your radar already. I can almost guarantee that there are some people in your life that you look at and think, Yikes, that is SO not for me. Not in a million years. Gawd no. Their career seems dull or too stressful or like a full-blown dumpster fire, and, frankly, you don't wanna go out like that.

Maybe you're thinking you don't want a career like your dad's. Because the dude works all the time, and you hardly remember what he looks like. Or maybe it's your best friend. He always said he wanted to do something creative, and he ended up working in payroll. WTF?! Or maybe it's your older sister. She never took the time to figure out what she wanted and just did what your mom told her to do. Technically, she's doing everything "right," but you get the sense that she's not happy.

A client I'll call Maya — none of the names I'm using here are real, but the stories are — was encouraged to apply for a master's degree by one of her professors. And to help pay for it, she could even work in his lab. A master's degree and a guaranteed job to help pay it off didn't sound too shabby. But Maya noticed that her professor was fairly isolated in that lab. Maya was a social butterfly and wasn't especially psyched about the solitary nature of lab work or, for that...