Saved by Horses

Linda

My name is Linda. I am employed in the thoroughbred racehorse industry in Australia, as an exercise rider. I am 37 and a recovering addict with occasional lapses. I thank my love of horses for saving me, as I tried many ways of exiting the sex industry and none offered me any hope at all – none of the rehabs or the 12-step groups. I began getting fit in my late 20s. I ran and went to the gym as a way to try to rebuild my health after years of stress, depression and addiction.

I was a prostitute from 18 to 28. I worked in many segments of the industry – from brothels, where I would have to pay the pimps and owners half my money and work very much on their terms – to high-class escort work, where I built my own webpage and worked on my terms, meaning I did not pay anyone to look after me and I kept all the money. Like most women starting out in prostitution, I had to begin at the bottom and learn in order to make the experience survivable, as I could not have lasted long otherwise. The work is very hard. I often saw 12 to 15 men per eight-hour shift. There are drugs everywhere and you are exposed to a very fast-paced, adrenaline-filled environment. The money becomes your sole focus, and most of the women I worked with were addicted to something. At 18 I was addicted to money and freedom. Later I became addicted to cosmetic surgery in an effort to stay young, and after that to hard drugs, which I injected. Being infected with Hepatitis C at 28 meant my retirement from the industry and complete breakdown. I could not work knowing I had a virus that could be spread (I have since received treatment and am no longer infected).

I was affected by depression at about 11, as my family had disintegrated, and my mum had remarried a man I didn't like. My stepfather watched pornography, and I remember being exposed to porn that I was aroused by, but being so young I was confused and became sick and depressed. My stepfather was abusive and my deepest fear was that he would kill me. My mother basically left my younger brother and me with him after the wedding, as she was not around much. I hated the girls' school I attended, though my marks were high. I noticed that the only way I could fit in was if I looked 'hot'. I started wearing a lot of makeup. When I looked sexually attractive my stepfather was less likely to hit me or my brother, so makeup became my mask, my persona. I wore heavy eye makeup and looked anything but myself, dyeing my hair bleach blonde at 14. I did all I could to get out of my house and escape my famiIy. It was hell being at home.

During my time in brothels I asked many of my working girl friends about their childhoods and many were similar to mine: broken, with mum or dad gone, abusive but often not extreme. Looking back on my adolescence I was in a lot of emotional pain. I had little support, no one to turn to, and these realities made me very strong, a trait necessary for surviving in the sex industry. Girls who aren't habituated to pain don't last in the sex industry. They might last a month or two and leave, but the women who start young, and stay, have all had a hard time and learn to live with it strategically. I remember being really judgmental and turned off by girls using drugs in brothels, as I never used drugs during my first two years in them and felt superior to other girls – I was educated and not on drugs. In fact, if you had asked how I had gotten into the sex industry, I would have told you it was MY CHOICE! I was a very good liar and able to act like I enjoyed sex, even though 99% of the sex was disgusting to me; sex with unattractive, cruel, joyless and married men.

In the rooms, you have to pretend to like the sex. The brothels are so competitive that it is not enough to just lie there. To get clients to return, every girl has to not just have sex, but to really pretend to like the whole experience. When I started I thought I could just lie there until the whole thing was over. But you quickly learn to pretend, usually by your second or third time. Also men cum quicker if you put on the act. I think this is important because it proves that it's not real sex. How can you really enjoy sex with strangers 10 times in a row? The most common physical experience is pain. The best way to avoid pain is to use lube and act and make the client cum quickly.

The only thing I looked forward to was the money and the hope of getting away from them, taking off my makeup and being free.

I got my first shift in a brothel half by accident. I was 18 and had been accepted into law at university. I had left home, just been fired from a job, and was living in a small cheap bedsitter looking through the paper for jobs when I came across the ad for 'models' ... offering '$2000 per week'. At the interview I was amazed at how beautiful the place was, with massive statues and spas. My family survived on social security payments, so I envied nice clean beautiful places. They showed me all the beautiful rooms where it became obvious I would be having sex with strangers. I was not a virgin, I'd had plenty of sexual experiences. Not boyfriends really, just sex with boys, but always a letdown. Like so many other girls I secretly thought, "Why not get paid for it?"

My experience of sex with boys before the brothel was always awkward. Many times I got myself into situations where I was going to get raped anyway and so had sex. Many of these guys didn't want to use condoms. I learnt how to do sex through watching porn. I looked like the attractive women in porn, so I knew that you had to moan. I knew how to pretend, since I felt numb and dead sexually around men. I could simply act. I knew that women in porn were acting because penetration had always been painful for me, and I knew I was normal! I slept with three men on my first shift. It was humiliating, they were so much older than me. However, none of them objected to condoms which was good. I was very young and attractive and that helped me have some power in...