Parents Who Bully: A Healing Guide for Adult Children of Immature, Narcissistic and Authoritarian Parents (Toxic Parents book) - Softcover

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Eric Maisel, Ph.D., is the author of more than 50 books in the areas of creativity, psychology, coaching, mental health, and cultural trends. He is a psychotherapist and the founder of the creativity coach profession, regularly working with lawyers, doctors, scientists, writers, painters, businesspeople, and folks from every walk of life. They include folks settled in a profession as well as people struggling to find an outlet for their intelligence and looking for work that will allow them to be as smart as they are. They include individuals who are successful in their careers and those who, because of the realities of the marketplace, struggle to achieve success. And through his books, they could include you. Sought after as an expert in his field, Dr. Maisel regularly contributes to Mad in America, writes a monthly print column for Professional Artist Magazine, and writes the "Rethinking Mental Health" blog for Psychology Today. He has been the keynote speaker at many conferences and leads Deep Writing workshops worldwide. Dr. Maisel currently resides in Walnut Creek, California. Visit him at www.ericmaisel.com. Dr. Duffy is a highly sought-after clinical psychologist, bestselling author, podcaster, certified life coach, and parenting and relationship expert. He has been working in his clinical practice with individuals, couples, teens, and families for nearly twenty-five years. Dr. Duffy’s refreshing and unique approach has provided the critical intervention and support needed to help thousands of individuals and families find their footing. Along with his clinical work, Dr. Duffy is the author of the number-one best-selling The Available Parent (Viva Editions, second edition released 2014). He is a frequent national media presence. He has been the regular parenting and relationship expert on Steve Harvey (with more than 75 appearances), and appears several times a month on WGN radio. He also appears frequently on other national and local television and radio outlets, and is cited regularly in national print and online publications. These include the Today show, Fox News, Chicago Tribune, Fox Good Day Chicago, The Jam, WGN-TV, the Morning Blend, NPR, the Huffington Post, the Wall Street Journal, Redbook, Time, Good Housekeeping, Men’s Health, Chicago Parent, Cosmopolitan, Teen Vogue, Wired, Parenting, Your Teen, Parents, Family Circle, Chicago Sun-Times, and Real Simple magazine, among many others. As noted, he is contributor to the Pear app and co-host of the podcast with Giuliana and Bill Rancic, consults on two films on teen anxiety, and co-host of a popular podcast, better, with his wife Julie. He is also a frequent guest on other parenting and self-help podcasts. Dr. Duffy lives outside Chicago with his wife Julie and son George.

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From Parents Who Bully

In the 1960s, developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind, reporting on her research with preschool-age children, described three parenting styles, one of which came to be known as the authoritarian parenting style. She described this style as characterized by strict rules, a refusal to explain the rules, the demand that these rules be followed unconditionally, and harsh punishment if they weren’t followed.

The typical authoritarian—the typical family dictator—looks one way in private, but manifests another, sometimes completely different persona in a public setting. It is no wonder that victims of authoritarian wounding report that even up to the present day, they are still confused when it comes to making choices and doing intellectual work, as well as in their understanding of the exact nature of their authoritarian wounding.

Authoritarians often look good in the world, even very good. They can be charming in public and expert at reserving their authoritarian wounding for family members. This conscious, calculated duplicity is a feature of an authoritarian’s cynical desire to get what he or she wants—primarily the ability to inflict punishment—without experiencing negative consequences.

Some authoritarians are authoritarian everywhere and are easy to spot because they are cruel and dictatorial wherever they go. But others look absolutely wonderful in public, and it’s only behind closed doors that they wreak their havoc. We are going to look behind those closed doors at the lives and stories of the children they harm: the ones that they harm in childhood, and the ones that they continue to harm when those children become adults.

What appears to be at the heart of the authoritarian personality, whether that individual is a so-to-speak leader, follower, or (as often occurs), both, is a deep reservoir of hatred and a ferocious need to punish. Where this reservoir of hatred and need to punish come from is anyone’s guess. No one can explain the why of it. Maybe authoritarians were born that way. Maybe evil exists. Maybe authoritarians were wounded themselves and are passing that blight along. What we can say for certain is that throughout human history and as far into the future as we can see, we will have to deal with family authoritarians and the harm they inflict.

You’ve no doubt heard a lot about bullying at school and about cyberbullying, but almost nothing about something at least as terrible, if not worse: the bullying that takes place in the home at the hands of cruel, narcissistic, authoritarian, immature, punishing parents. This bullying, which is rarely discussed, produces lifelong scars and ruins millions of children, preventing them from reaching their full potential and creating despair and high anxiety.

I am appalled but not surprised that so many parents are cruel to their children (and to their adult children). I am not surprised because it appears to be a constant of our species that a sizeable number of human beings, estimated by pundits to be in the 20–25 percent range, are authoritarian either by nature or training. Authoritarians are among us, numbering in the millions. So of course, they can also be found by the millions in families.

There they are, brimming over with hatred and a passion for punishment. In public, they may do a lot of smiling. In private, they are a terror. How could a child possibly make sense of this caustic reality, of how her mother or her father is so vicious and unloving? How can that child make sense of that actuality, even when he or she has grown up? Perhaps by hearing their stories, we can begin to comprehend the extent to which parental bullying harms our children. Maybe by shining a bright light on this abuse, we can help those who have been bullied as well as those who are still being bullied. Let us hope!

What will family dictators say about all this? They will say, “Stop your whining.” “Stop bashing parents.” “Stop acting all superior.” “Stop exaggerating.” “Stop lying.” And of course they will say, “Go to hell.” The bullies out there will rush to engage in more bullying. That is to be expected. That is what bullies do. Our job, however, is to persevere, to share the truth about family dictators, and to make the world a safer place for our children.