How to Get Along with Anyone: The Playbook for Predicting and Preventing Conflict at Work and at Home - Hardcover

Über die Autorinnen und Autoren

Dr. John Eliot, PhD, mentors executives and advises professional sports teams, coaches, and athletes on how to apply individual and organizational psychology principles for enhancing health, performance, workplace culture, and the bottom line. He has consulted for NASA, the US Olympic Committee, the Mayo Clinic, Sony, Microsoft, and other Fortune 500 companies. His work has been featured in The New York Times, The Washington Post, NPR, ESPN, Fox Sports, MSNBC, Bloomberg, Harvard Business Review, and more. Eliot has held professorial appointments at the University of Virginia, Stanford, Rice, the SMU Edwin Cox School of Business, and the Texas Medical Center, where he won teaching awards at each.

Jim Guinn, EdD, is the president of the Resolution Resource Group, a training and development company that works with Fortune 500 companies, professional sports franchises, large-scale school districts, universities, law firms, and governments on effectively handling conflict. As a mediator, he has conducted over a thousand successful mediations involving family, organizational, civil, and governmental disputes. In addition to his firm’s corporate work with a large diversity of clients across HR departments, sales staffs, middle management, and boards, Dr. Guinn personally trains CEOs from all walks of life, plus numerous celebrities and sports icons.

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Chapter 1: Identify the Trigger

1 Identify the Trigger

Think about a friend or relative of yours suffering from a malady or medical condition.

Though we might wish that the list of debilitating conditions was much shorter, or that our loved ones could be immune from illness, sickness is a fact of life. Crohn’s disease, epilepsy, diabetes, depression, back pain, anxiety, chronic migraines, and on and on… mental and physical anguish is no joking matter, life-threatening or not. It breaks our hearts to see a loved one in pain.

Now, imagine, for a second, your loved one being ridiculed for their ailment. It’s bad enough to encounter ignorance… the boss of a loved one with colitis not allowing bathroom breaks during a meeting, your family member with depression being “advised” to snap out of it, a perfectly healthy stranger pulling their car into a handicapped parking space. It’s a whole other level of frustration to witness someone intentionally poking fun at your loved one for a struggle of theirs that is no fault of their own. Frustration is much too mild of a descriptor.

Cue Will Smith.

By now you’ve probably heard about “The Slap.” In 2022, Will Smith won his very first Oscar—best actor in a leading role for King Richard—thirty-seven years into a legendary career. To say it was an emotional night for him would be an equally legendary understatement. Full of nerves, anticipation, hope, joy, pride, and more, Will sat front row while Chris Rock, albeit innocently enough, sought a few laughs at the expense of Will’s wife, Jada, who suffers from alopecia areata. Smith’s cauldron of emotion boiled over. He marched up on stage and gave Chris the business.

In the language of our business: Will got Triggered.

Emotions can get the best of us, the most reserved of us. We can suddenly flip from rational, thoughtful, mild-mannered Bruce Banner into some crazed compilation of Lou Ferrigno and Edward Norton. This is in no way because we’re bad people, or even unskilled at emotional regulation. It’s because a button gets pushed. Something to which we have a pronounced sensitivity gets called out excessively, or uncomfortably or inappropriately. At such a juncture, we are vulnerable to doing or saying things that we otherwise wouldn’t condone. We are vulnerable to being Triggered. Just like Will.

“Whatever is emotional is opposed to that true cold reason which I place above all things.”

—Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (as Sherlock Holmes)

Interestingly, not all stressors are created equal. A conversation that Triggers you might not Trigger your spouse. A situation that doesn’t bother you in the least bit (one you might not even notice) could regularly upset your neighbor. We each have particular peccadillos. Awareness of others’ hyperacuities is paramount to great relationships, teamwork, and fostering positively collegial environments. But how in the world are we to know everyone’s particulars in the vast sea of pet peeves?

It turns out that disagreements, friction, strife, discord, arguments, clashes, and the like—interpersonal instances when someone loses or feels a lack of control, when they can’t pull the puppet strings the way they want—can be grouped into three core categories, called Conflict Types. The good news: successfully navigating interpersonal tension—more productively stated, maintaining harmony—doesn’t require the depth of friendship or trust that would be needed to understand all the nuances of someone’s disposition. Complete strangers can overcome obstacles to collaborating. Having history is helpful, but, elegantly, half the battle of preventing dustups is being cognizant of which distinct type of conflict is most apt to Trigger you and which type is most apt to Trigger the people in your personal and professional circles.

The three Conflict Types are as follows:

• Task Conflict. Task Conflict centers on getting things done—done by their deadlines and in their required quantities… no matter how. You might hear, “The ends justify the means.” Task Conflict flares up when due dates or target goals are unmet.
• Process Conflict. Process Conflict centers on the way things get done. Someone experiencing Process Conflict is not concerned with specific end goals or their delivery dates; they care, instead, about the methods, systems, or policies being employed. A “my way or the highway” attitude may come into play.
• Relational Conflict. Relational Conflict centers on the people involved in a disagreement and their individual habits, quirks, preferences, and tastes. In Relational Conflict, the parties will fight over anything… simply because they just don’t like one another. When there seems to be no functional, objective rhyme or reason for a dispute, you probably have Relational Conflict on your hands.

A word of warning: we tend to have a blind spot for our own Triggers. That’s part and parcel of how we get Triggered in the first place. When approaching pressure-packed interactions, people frequently make the mistake of not self-assessing, not taking a thirty-second time-out to ask themselves whether they are, or might become, Triggered by the circumstances. Before entering the ring, ask yourself: Is the subject of the presenting pressure a task, a process, or a relationship?

Admittedly, for this pregnant pause to be effective, you must know which of the three Conflict Types is your hamartia—your gateway to potential irrationality. To aid you, let’s play a little game. We’ll present you with three scenarios. Take your time and, as vividly as you can, envision being in the middle of each one. What does it feel like? What emotions might be bubbling below the surface?

In striving to visualize (really, feelize) each scenario, try to pinpoint which would most make you want to slam your head into the nearest wall. Read through each script, dwelling after each to mentally put yourself into the moment. Then, after enacting them all in your mind, pick the one that would generate, for you personally, the greatest amount of frustration, anger, annoyance, anxiety, or exhaustion.

Ready? Go!

SCENARIO 1

A decade ago, you took a giant leap of faith, quit your job, took out a small business loan (which, honestly, you couldn’t afford), and launched your own business. It was scary but exciting. With failure not an option, you poured in your proverbial blood, sweat, and tears—every available waking hour. Over the ten years that have ensued, you’ve taken only one vacation, but your commitment to this longshot is beginning to pay off. Your start-up just hit midsize business status, last month reaching the one-hundred-employee mark.

To celebrate, you decided to take a ten-day beach-lounging excursion to Hawaii with your significant other, to whom you promised that you wouldn’t check e-mail for the entire duration. For the recent company expansion, you brought on a hot-shot prodigy in your profession named Jasmine from Texas A&M University (whoop) to oversee the operations of the business. While you think highly of Jazz, it took everything you had to relinquish day-to-day control. Before departing, you hand Jazz a priority list with seventeen items you deem essential for her to complete before you return.

She of course...