SOULMATE LOVE

"A soulmate is someone to whom we feel profoundly connected, as though the communicating and communing that take place between us were not the product of intentional efforts, but rather a divine grace."

— Thomas Moore

Love and grief are two sides of the same precious coin. One does not — and cannot — exist without the other. They are the yin and yang of our lives. Because human beings die, for those of us who continue to live there is no such thing as love without also, eventually, loss.

After a death, the stronger the love that bound two people who are now separated, the stronger the grief in the survivor. As we began to consider in this book's Introduction, soulmate love is an especially profound kind of love and connection. I am not someone who generally believes it is helpful to rank or compare loves and their subsequent grief, but I will say that in all my many years as a grief counselor and educator, the people who came to me for help with some of the most devastating, overwhelming feelings of grief and loss were grieving parents and grieving soulmates.

But before we begin to consider how to cope with your overwhelming grief, I would first like to back up and talk some more about the love that characterizes soulmate relationships. Love is what makes life meaningful. Deep love seems to make life deeply meaningful for soulmates. But how is soulmate love so strong and deep? In this chapter we'll review some of the most common characteristics of the soulmate relationship, which, when combined, form such a potent bond. As you'll see in later chapters, this review will be essential to our understanding of the flipside of soulmate love: soulmate grief.

Along the way, I'll invite you to write a little about your own singular soulmate experience with each of the characteristics. Remember-there are no rights and wrongs here. Your soulmate relationship may not have featured all of these characteristics. In addition, other attributes that you felt were central to your relationship may not be listed. The uniqueness of your special relationship could never be fully captured in a few pages, anyway. You know that, and I know that. Rather than being an exhaustive or definitive list, the characteristics that follow-presented in no particular order-were simply those that most stood out to me in my work and communications with grieving soulmates.

[] Shared values

The soulmate relationship is typically built on a bedrock of shared values and beliefs. Without this foundation, a soulmate relationship may not be possible.

"We iteratively sought out and agreed upon fundamental truths in raising our family. When a crossroads came, we prayed and sought counsel about which path to take. Our prayer life together matured as we aged."

— Bob Troublefield

Following are some of the most common shared values I was able to glean from the many letters I received from grieving soulmates:

• Our family is our priority.

• Our faith and/or religion and/or spirituality is essential.

• We value spending time together with friends.

• We value volunteerism and giving back.

• We value sharing fun experiences.

• We value creating and maintaining a comfortable home.

Are there others you would add?

Of course, each soulmate pair has its own unique set of values and beliefs. It doesn't matter precisely what the values and beliefs consist of. What matters is that the partners generally agree on the important stuff. They are on the same Page with a capital P. Believing in and living the same principles seems to open the door to the other soulmate characteristics that follow.

I look to the idea of "soul" again when I consider this attribute of the soulmate relationship. Perhaps the soul comes down to earth with a profound knowing of the most important truths of existence. Maybe souls that join together as soulmates for their tenure as human beings are souls that somehow escaped the snare of the earthly ego and never lost this knowing.

Which significant values and beliefs did you and your soulmate share? Were there any you didn't hold in common? How did your shared or unshared values affect your relationship?

[] Best friends

Whether they are also lovers or not, soulmates almost always describe themselves as best friends. They genuinely like each other. They communicate. They talk regularly and share things big and small. They confide in one another. They are loyal to one another. They make joint decisions. They go through life's ups and downs together as if on a bicycle built for two.

Trust, in turn, is what lies beneath the best-friends nature of the soulmate relationship. Soulmates tend to trust one another more than they trust anyone else. They are honest with one another. They "show up" for one another, day in and day out. When one of them makes a mistake, they tend to forgive. And because of this earned and demonstrated mutual trust, they feel safe and secure in their relationship and thus in life.

"He was my safe place. When Darren was there, I knew I was cared for, and I had this undeniable confidence that all was as it should be."

— Megan Quinn

Some soulmates describe this sense of safety in the soulmate relationship as feeling "at home." Others describe a sense of peace. "When I was with him, I felt peacefulness never before experienced," wrote Marcia Teachout. Geralyn Nathe-Evans concurred, saying that she and her husband felt they had arrived at "a place of great peace and calm, love and devotion."

When a soulmate dies, chaos replaces peace and calm. Trust is obliterated. And the surviving soulmate is suddenly without his or her best friend. No wonder the grief is so devastating.

Were you and your soulmate best friends? If yes, in what ways? If not, why not? How important was trust to your relationship? Did you experience a feeling of being "at home" or "at peace" with your soulmate? If so, how?

[] Companionship

Soulmates usually spend lots of time together. They tend to be inseparable companions. Their love is not only deep, it is daily. Most soulmates live in the same household, and their lives revolve around one another. They enjoy sharing the rituals of their daily lives, and even when they part for separate activities — for work or for individual hobbies, for example — they tend to keep tabs on one another throughout the day with...