10 Common Misconceptions about Grief

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The following misconceptions may seem harmless, but I have found that when adults (and subsequently the children in their care) internalize them, they quickly become hurdles to healing. You might think of them as weeds in the grief garden. If they are allowed to grow unchecked, their aggressive habits will soon overtake the garden, choking out the impressionable seedlings.

As a fellow grief companion, I hope you'll join me in helping to dispel these misconceptions.

Grief Misconception #1

Grief and mourning are the same experience.

People tend to use the words "grief" and "mourning" interchangeably. However, there is an important distinction between the two — a distinction that becomes all the more critical for those who work with bereaved children.

Grief represents the thoughts and feelings that are experienced within children when someone they love dies. Grief is the internal meaning given to the experience of bereavement. Mourning, on the other hand, means taking the internal experience of grief and expressing it outside oneself. Another way to think of mourning is "grief gone public," or "sharing one's grief with others." Because grieving children mourn more through their behaviors than they do through words, mourning for them is not expressed in the same ways it is for adults.

When people actively grieve and mourn, there is movement. In other words, their emotions are in motion. The term "perturbation" refers to the capacity to experience change and movement. To integrate grief, children must be touched by what they experience. When they cannot feel a feeling, they are unable to be changed by it, and instead of perturbation, they become "stuck." When stuck, children carry their grief rather than release it, sometimes into adulthood. Yet when children actively mourn, they open their hearts to love and the feelings of loss. This openness welcomes a transformation of living and loving.

We often refer to children as "forgotten mourners." Why? Because though children grieve, we as a society often do not encourage them to mourn. As we companion, we have the responsibility and the privilege to create conditions in which children can mourn.

Grief Misconception #2

Children only grieve for a short time.

Many adults simply do not understand that grief and mourning are processes, not events. Those adults who want the bereaved child to "hurry up" and "get over it" usually project that the child needs to be strong and stoic. (Of course, who are these adults really protecting? Themselves. If adults can assume the child's grief and mourning are short in duration, then they don't have to walk with the child as he encounters the pain of loss.)

I have read in professional texts comments like, "If the child's symptoms persist past six months, he or she should be referred for professional assistance." Actually, nothing could be further from the truth. Around six months after a death, it is not unusual to see more, not fewer, visible signs of mourning in a child. This is largely because for children, grief gets intertwined with the developmental process. If I'm just five years old when I first come to grief, that grief will change for me as I mature and begin to understand it with more cognitive depth.

So how long should a child's grief last? If ideal conditions exist (which they rarely do) and the child is actively working on his six needs of mourning with the support of caring adults and family members, active mourning can still take three to four years. And even that lucky child will encounter intermittent mourning as he develops and reintegrates his grief experience. Remember — grief waits on welcome, not on time!

My best counsel is this: Keep in mind that grief does not have a definite end. Only as the child participates in authentic mourning will it erupt less frequently. Strive to be a long-term stabilizer in the child's life as he grows and develops. He will teach you that there will be some more natural times when he wants to do more "catch-up" mourning.

Grief Misconception #3

A child's grief proceeds in predictable, orderly stages.

Have you ever heard a well-meaning but misinformed someone say of a grieving child, "He's in stage two"? If only it were that simple! People use the "stages of grief" to try to make sense of an experience that isn't as orderly and predictable as we would like it to be.

The concept of "stages" was popularized in 1969 with the publication of Elizabeth Kübler-Ross' landmark text On Death and Dying. Kübler-Ross never intended that people should interpret her "five stages of dying" literally. However, many people have done just that, not only with the process of dying, but with the processes of bereavement, grief, and mourning as well.

No two children are alike. No two children will grieve and mourn in the same way. As caring adults, we only get ourselves in trouble when we try to prescribe what a child's grief and mourning experiences should be.

A good gardener doesn't approach his garden with textbook in hand and say, "Well, today I must water thoroughly and thin the new seedlings." Instead, he examines the garden on hands and knees and only then decides what is needed that day. Likewise, the grief gardener encourages the bereaved child to teach her about the child's needs: "Teach me about your grief, and I will be with you. As you teach me, I will follow the lead you provide and attempt to be a stabilizing and empathetic presence."

To think that one's goal is to move children through the stages of grief would be a misuse of counsel. Children experience a variety of unique thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as part of the healing process. We must remind ourselves not to prescribe how and when they should mourn, but allow them to teach us where they are in the process.

Grief Misconception #4

Infants and toddlers are too young to grieve and mourn.

In my experience, any child old enough to love is old enough to grieve and mourn. In fact, I see children as young as eighteen months old in my counseling center.

Infants and toddlers are certainly capable of giving and receiving love. While they cannot verbally teach us about their grief, they protest their losses in a variety of ways. A few practical examples are regressive behaviors, sleep disturbances, and explosive emotions. John Bowlby's research has shown us that even babies will protest when threatened with separation, death, or abandonment.

Unless we support and...