Preparing to Get What You Need

"A crisis is a gift, an opportunity, and perhaps a manifestation that life loves us, by beckoning us to go beyond the dance we presently perform."

— Leslie Lebeau

As soon as you learn that your marriage is in trouble, take some key steps to protect yourself. While you may be hoping that things will work out, there is simply no substitute for being prepared in the event that they don't. Do not be lulled into complacency if you are working with a marriage counselor or clergy in an effort to save your marriage; don't expect that things will somehow magically get better if you wait long enough for your husband to "come around." While it's fine to hope for the best, you need to prepare for the worst.

In the legal system, knowledge is power and money is key. Set aside money and gather information now, before you or your husband file for divorce, so that you are in the driver's seat when it happens. Once the divorce is filed, everyone retreats to their separate corners, and it becomes much more difficult and costly to obtain the information and the money you need. The odds are high that, if your husband is anticipating divorce, he is already taking action to prevent you from accessing your money. I see this happen in virtually every divorce case I handle.

I had a client, Cecilia, who is a perfect case in point. Cecilia fell in love with Jeff, a handsome professional athlete, and they married when she was young. She became pregnant shortly after they married, and since Jeff traveled frequently with his team, she stayed home with first one baby, then two. When Jeff's career as a player ended, he became a coach for a professional sports team in Los Angeles. He made good money, and their family had a great life. Cecilia didn't have to work and devoted herself to raising the kids and enjoying the perks of being a coach's wife.

But then came the signs and the alarm bells — which Cecilia chose to ignore. Even after Jeff left the home and was openly having an affair with another woman, Cecilia believed that everything would be fine and that Jeff would "do the right thing." She remained in denial, hoping that Jeff would return to the family. Despite all the signs that her marriage was ending, Cecilia did nothing to prepare for the inevitable, until it all came to a screeching halt. One day, Cecilia and the kids arrived home from dinner while Jeff was traveling with the team. When they pulled into the garage, they found it empty. Their teenage son's Jeep was gone. They frantically called the police. Only after the police located Jeff, driving the Jeep, did the family realize what had happened: Jeff had returned early from the trip, loaded the Jeep with his belongings, cleaned out the joint checking account, and taken off. When Cecilia arrived at my office, she had $238 in her bank account. Jeff had taken over $300,000 from the joint account and transferred it to a separate account of his own — so she couldn't hire a lawyer.

In my work, Cecilia's story is not an isolated incident. Inevitably, as I unwind each woman's story, I find that financial infidelity often accompanies sexual infidelity. And virtually every woman is stunned to discover this. Don't let this happen to you. Take the following steps now to protect yourself and your children, and do not be naïve. Your husband may have pledged to look out for your best interests financially and otherwise during your marriage, but when your marriage is in trouble, it is up to you to arm yourself with money and information so that you have an edge. These are the first steps to take control of your future.

DIVORCE HACKS

Get Money Wise

You will need funds to retain a lawyer and support yourself for several months until you can either negotiate support or obtain a court order. Take these steps to set aside the financial resources you need.

Open a bank account in your name

Open this account at a different bank than the one where you and your husband share a joint account.

Set aside money for living expenses and to hire an attorney

Did you know that you can take half the money out of your joint account and put it in a separate account in your own name if you live in one of the nine community-property states like California? You may not want to take out half the money all at once because it will alert your spouse to your intentions, and it may cause checks to bounce. At first, take out smaller amounts and put them in your new account, so that when the time comes, you can hire an attorney and cover your living costs for several months.

Secure your assets

During a divorce, I've seen valuable wine collections disappear, coin collections go missing, and money evaporate. Do not be surprised when your husband tells the judge that he has no idea what happened to the silver coins your grandfather left you — and the judge shrugs and moves on. Take steps now to protect what is yours; remove or hide valuable items. It is much easier to return items you have removed in order to protect them than it is to locate items someone else has spirited away.

Check your credit score

You need to build your own credit. Few numbers in life matter as much to your financial outlook and well-being as your credit score (known as the FICO score). A good credit score is crucial for financial success. It is one factor used by lenders to determine your creditworthiness for a mortgage, loan, or credit card. Your score can affect whether you are approved for credit and the interest rate you are charged. Prospective employers often check your credit score when you interview for a job. It is important to know what your credit score is and to improve it if it's not in the "good" range.

The three major credit-reporting agencies are Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion. You need to check your score with each agency because your score may differ between them. This is because some lenders report to all three credit agencies, but others do not. Since your credit report can contain errors that adversely affect your score, you need to check all three to make certain that they are accurately reporting. Further, in 2017, Equifax suffered a major data breach, so if you have a credit report with them, check out the Federal Trade Commission's website for what to do.

You can easily access your score online for free and track your credit-building progress on sites such as CreditKarma.com or AnnualCreditReport.com. A "good" credit score is generally considered to be 720 or higher. Lenders, however, have different standards for what they consider to be a good credit score, and so it is important to keep building your score to receive the most favorable interest rates and the highest rates of credit approval. Later, I'll provide concrete tips for building your...