THE MERGE

An oceanic feeling, when everything comes together, oneself, everyone else, the world, and divinity, it is like the feeling that you get when you stare out at the infinite reach of the ocean: it is a little frightening, but it is also awe-inspiring and exhilarating.

—William James, The Varieties of Religious Experience

To fall in love feels more miraculous than anything I know. Life is infused with magic and fresh meaning. During this first giddy stage of intimacy, new lovers merge, much like a mother and her newborn child. Boundaries melt away, and the sense of "we-ness" is all there is. Our similarities seem profound, our conversations endless. If anything threatens to point out our differences, we rush to rationalize it, convinced that our beloved's qualities and quirks are just the "right" differences. Okay, so he barely talked to my friends tonight, but that's because he listens so well! I plan everything, but she's so spontaneous—just what I need to get out of my rigid rut.

Our similarities excite us, no matter how obscure. We both loved the same song in the seventh grade. We both have always wanted a golden Pekingese, and we both harbor a secret desire to climb Machu Picchu. It all becomes evidence that we are about as perfect as two human beings can be for each other.

In many ways, the advent of love is a transcendent experience. There is sacredness in this first stage; it is not simply an illusion. We are truly able to sense the other's spirit. Just as important, we experience our own brightest light. One of the most marvelous aspects of this stage is not only the idealized way we see our partner but the new, more laudable way we see ourselves. Listening closely comes easily to us, as does giving the ideal response. Our patience seems eternal, our interest in the other boundless. Who knew that we possessed such generosity, such largeness of spirit? How delightful it feels to live with an open heart, bountiful compassion, and unconditional care.

In the shelter of our love bubble, it's easy to think we can float in such pure happiness forever. Yet no matter how strong the bond may become later, the exhilaration of early love isn't sustainable. Somehow, each of us must find our way back to ourselves.

Charlie and Megan: An Oceanic Start

They make a striking pair. Megan, a high-level health-care administrator with a sharp-edged, regal beauty, is the sort of woman people might describe as an "ice princess." Charlie, a pediatrician, is the kind of big, shambling man whose gentle friendliness puts people instantly at ease. It's no surprise that children love him.

Megan remembers the first time Charlie walked into her office to introduce himself as a new member of the hospital staff. He was undeniably good-looking and clearly accomplished. He had graduated from medical school with honors and spent the next two years in Sudan, where he cared for orphans. He had every reason to take himself seriously, even to be a touch self-satisfied. Megan knew plenty of doctors like that.

Megan could see, though, that this man was different. As they chatted, it became clear that Charlie had a heart as well as a brain. Later, she was even more impressed when he introduced an animal-assisted therapy program at the hospital so that seriously ill children could cuddle and play with dogs especially trained for the program and even visit with their own beloved pets.

Charlie also had a well-developed inner clown. Megan registered this fact as soon as she caught sight of his tie, which peeked between the lapels of his white lab coat. It was the first of many "magic" ties she would see, whose cavorting animal patterns were guaranteed to distract and delight sick children. "I wish every pediatrician had your sense of play and fun," she told him.

In the weeks that followed, Megan found herself increasingly drawn to Charlie. The effect his presence had on the children in the wards touched and amazed her. As for his effect on her, he enlivened their every encounter with zany humor. His personal warmth was unfamiliar to Megan, whose family was undemonstrative. Something in her stirred. With him, she began to feel nurtured, not unlike the children under his care.

So when Charlie asked her to join him for coffee one afternoon, she readily accepted. Lunches in the hospital cafeteria followed, which led to weekend concerts and, soon, to amorous evenings at his apartment or her condo.

The delight of the unexpected left Megan giddy. She had broken through the barriers of her careful, upper-class Philadelphia upbringing to join a stranger in a strange land. She loved to listen to Charlie tell stories about life in Oregon on the farm, where he'd grown up as the son of a taciturn rye grass farmer. Hunting and harvesting were as novel to her as the bear hugs Charlie gave her in the hospital corridors. When they made love, Megan felt herself unfold. She had been taught to weigh every decision, but now there was no decision to make. She simply surrendered.

And Charlie? At first he was tempted to dismiss Megan as too highbrow, a woman whose sophistication overshadowed his simple, homespun tastes. At the hospital he often heard her tell her colleagues about the latest art exhibit she had seen. At the staff Christmas party, she said how exciting it was that "finally, we'll hear Aida this month," as though everyone else on the pediatric ward had season tickets to the opera. There was, however, something vital and alive about her that intrigued him. Beneath her reserved surface, he sensed a playful personality just waiting to emerge.

By the time Charlie met Megan, his life had changed so dramatically that he barely recognized it. He had achieved many of his dreams—to become a doctor, to travel the world, and to enhance the lives of small children through medicine and laughter. He had gained enough confidence to flirt with a woman who might well have intimidated him in the past. In fact, Megan's initial coolness only heightened his interest. When she responded, he was ecstatic. Her blue-green eyes seemed to see right into his soul.

Surrendering to Romance

When we fall in love, our rational minds may try to raise red flags to warn us that, once we step across love 's threshold, there will be minefields and sinkholes. Megan, for example, dimly realized that Charlie's fun-loving nature sometimes embarrassed her. Occasionally, Charlie felt rebuffed by Megan's reserve.

Most of us know all about red flags. Experience may well have taught us that the initial passion won't last and that...