He's Just Not Your Type and That's a Good Thing: How to Find Love Where You Least Expect It - Softcover

Syrtash, Andrea

 
9781605296739: He's Just Not Your Type and That's a Good Thing: How to Find Love Where You Least Expect It
Softcover
ISBN 10: 1605296732 ISBN 13: 9781605296739
Verlag: Rodale Pr, 2010

Inhaltsangabe

In He's Just Not Your Type (and that's a good thing), a relationship expert and dating columnist shares her counterintuitive approach to lasting love: encouraging women to date their "non-types." After years of dating, many women fall into a relationship rut. As serial daters, they are attracted to the same type of man time and again. Clearly, something's not working. But the problem is not that he's just not that into them—the reality is, he's just not their type. Relationship expert and life coach Andrea Syrtash hears the disbelief in her clients' voices when they admit that their "Mr. Right" relationship has again gone wrong. In He's Just Not Your Type, Syrtash challenges readers to date outside their comfort zones and poses hard-hitting questions: What if the kind of man they think will make them happy never will? What would happen if they dated someone they'd never considered dating? In each chapter, Syrtash shares stories of women who have found lasting happiness with their non-types (NTs) and provides exercises designed to help readers assess their big-picture goals and core values. In doing so, she shows women how to make better choices in dating so they are more likely to find true love.

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Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Andrea Syrtash is a contributor to Oprah.com, a dating columnist for Yahoo and the host of 'On Dating', produced by NBC Digital Studios. Her dating and relationship advice has been featured on The Today Show, The Huffington Post, USA Today, VH1 and on NPR, among others. She lives with her (non-type) husband in New York City.

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1

Don't "Should" All Over Yoursel?

I know we haven't yet officially met, but if you are single and questioning your ability to find a successful romantic relationship or attract a mate, let me reassure you that there is nothing wrong with you. You do not have bad luck in dating. You are not destined for a lifetime of spending your weekends on dates with your friends, their husbands ... and their babies.

In fact, you are hardly alone. We are living in an era with more singles than ever before. The US Census Bureau recognizes close to 100 million Americans who are unmarried. We are taking longer to settle down because, frankly, we do not want to settle. Women today are hoping to marry--not simply to procreate or to honor our families--but for a radical and modern reason: love.

By this point in your life, I'm sure you've met men who seem perfectly fine but with whom you're not interested in pursuing a relationship. In some ways, it would be easier if you could just marry one of these "good enough" men. But you want a real connection, and you don't want to compromise your standards.

You may have picked up this book because family members have labeled your dating habits ("Too picky"), or concerned friends want you to couple up and settle down ("You're a great catch!"), or mere acquaintances remind you that time is of the essence ("You're not getting any younger!"). Perhaps you have even assigned yourself a label ("Unlucky in love"). But I promise, you are okay. You just haven't dated the right kind of person for you.

I often hear people mention that they have lost hope because their dates and relationships never seem to work out. Here's a simple truth: Most dating scenarios are destined to fail! Until you find the person you want to marry, every relationship will be unsuccessful.

The important piece is that when a series of dates with one person or a relationship does not work out, you can walk away from it with new insights on how you want to be and who you wantto be with in your next relationship.

That's the good news. And now for the not-so-good news (I hate to be a pessimist).

You may repeat your dating pattern for many more years--and stay single when you'd rather not be--if you do not start making conscious changes and looking at your choices.

Before I delve into my crazy (but you'll see very logical) premise about dating your nontypes, I will ask you to commit to examining your relationship pattern. And I believe the first step in creating this paradigm shift starts with making a shift in your language.

You may be thinking, "I'm reading this book for tips on how to find a good relationship, not to get language lessons!" But trust me on this: The messages we tell ourselves and the ideas that seep into our minds from parents, friends, and society do affect our love lives.

Stop Shoulding All Over Yourself

I shouldn't be so picky. I should be with (fill in name of a guy you know who doesn't inspire or excite you but is perfectly nice): He makes decent money and comes from a good family. I'd have a nice life with him.

I should be having babies by now. Or at least be married.

I really like (fill in name of a guy you have a great connection with but whom you'd be nervous to introduce to Mom or Dad), but I shouldn't date him.

I should have things figured out by now. This is not how I imagined my life to be at (fill in your age). How did everyone else pull all the pieces together except me?

I should've married (fill in name of someone you've dated in the past). Maybe that was my only shot at love.

Do any of these statements sound familiar?

I hate the word should. You would think it's a benign or neutral word, one that implies a suggestion you can take or leave, but it's more powerful than that. (Should wants you to believe that it's neutral--trust me.)

Perhaps it's because I'm a writer and sensitive to words, but should gets the tiny hairs on my arms to stand up. Exceptions are specific circumstances like, "I should feed the dog now, since he hasn't eaten since last night" or "I should use up my vacation days and go to Belize before the end of the year." In most cases, though, people inflect the word should with a slightly annoyed or apologetic tone.

Should keeps us from taking risks, connecting with our values, and following our hearts. Should has kept some of my friends from being with people who would have otherwise made them very happy. Should almost prevented me from dating the man who would become my husband.

Michael was standing in front of me for years practically waving flags that said, "Give this a chance! Have you ever been more comfortable with anyone?! Do you laugh this much with others? Are you not the best version of yourself with me?" But I missed the signs because I was convinced that he just wasn't my type.

I felt I should be with someone more polished and sophisticated. (Not that I felt particularly polished and sophisticated.) I imagined that my future husband would have an impressive resume filled with academic accomplishments and brilliant accolades. My guy would be a triple threat: smart, handsome, and successful. He and I would walk into a room and be the toast of the town. I wanted to make my family proud and inspire awe (and maybe even a little jealousy) in others with the catch I'd landed.

While I was friends with Michael, I dated a man who had graduated summa cum laude from an Ivy League school and worked as a surgeon before deciding to get an MBA and launch what would become a multimillion-dollar company. This guy looked sharp in a suit and spoke three languages. Ooh--this was the one I should be with!

So why was I daydreaming about my quirky neighbor?

For most of my 20s, I lived by shoulds. I should have an office job. I should pick the nice Jewish boy to marry. I should actually make use of one of my two degrees that cost my parents a fortune. I should not complain--I was healthy and had a loving family.

When I spoke with my aunt's friend about my relationship, she remarked, "What are you waiting for?! This guy sounds perfect! You shouldn't be so picky." (Um--thanks.) I responded, "Getting married is not my challenge. Staying married--happily married-- is my goal. That's what I want."

The sentence came out of my mouth before my brain registered it. It was as if I was channeling a more confident version of myself who articulated her wants without an apology (as we women often do). My brief exchange with this person--whom I will probably never see again--crystallized what I wanted and shaped the next phase of my relationship and my life.

I ended a 5-year relationship with an amazing man despite the fact that he had everything I thought I was looking for, and I entered a new chapter of consciousness and confidence. During this period, I made a deliberate decision to replace the word should with the word want.

I wanted to feel deeply connected. I wanted to feel clarity in my job, my relationships, and my life. I knew I would not feel satisfied until I had that. I even changed my e-mail password to "clarity"--trying to subliminally signal my brain that feeling clear and grounded was a top priority.

As I packed up the apartment I'd shared with my boyfriend, I cried every day, thinking of the future we had been building together and the memories we'd shared. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done; yet even after many months of sobbing and missing him, I did not regret following my gut.

I don't think we ever do.

Should is a security blanket. It feels safe. But should was an important word for me to give up as I stepped into a new chapter of my life. Dismissing the word should (or at least catching myself when I use it too much) has made me more conscious of my wants and more able to pursue...

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Verlag
Rodale Pr
Erscheinungsdatum
2010
Sprache
Englisch
ISBN 10 
1605296732
ISBN 13 
9781605296739
Einband
Taschenbuch
Anzahl der Seiten
207
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Verantwortliche Person
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