The Caveman in the Corner Office

How is it that men can forget an angry confrontation when it's over — yet a woman can re-hash that same incident again and again?

Why is it that so many women seem capable of doing three things at once — while men typically like to handle only one item at a time?

And why is it still so difficult for men and women to understand each other, even in this age of communicating, connecting with cell phones, email and text messaging?

These questions about the differences between men and women can be answered, in my opinion, by examining the traits that have been handed down to us all by our earliest ancestors: Homo sapiens.

Though we may not be consciously aware of them, the strategies and behaviors that enabled our cavemen and women ancestors to survive have been encoded — or "hard wired" — into our brains, and they continue to influence how we speak and act today.

Let me explain — and possibly shed some light on the questions posed above. Our caveman forebearers hunted animals for food, for survival, which meant they had to stay focused on one single thing — killing the prey. Had they let themselves become distracted or tried to multi-task during a hunt, they could have been killed by an animal. After a brutal battle with wild animals, the men of the hunting party had to forget the pain they endured in the fight — else they would have feared going out and hunting. Had that been their habit, all would have starved.

In today's versions of those scenarios, businessmen often prefer reading bullet points that cover only one subject at a time, instead of detailed, descriptive emails on multiple topics. Guys in the office might all go out for a beer together after work, even if they've had a confrontational screaming match earlier in the day.

So in your workplace, you can often see men using updated versions of the same tactics that cavemen depended on to survive. When you begin to recognize how evolutionary events of the past have made us who we are today, you have a better chance of deciphering and understanding what's going on with the males you work and live with. You will also be in a much stronger position to communicate effectively with both men and women. And that is the goal of this book: to make you a better communicator.

Now, by drawing a connection between the behavior of the caveman and the attitudes of the twenty-first century businessman, I do not mean to imply that all men are brutes or that uncivilized behavior should be tolerated. Rather, I believe that both men and women have evolved in ways that complement each other and have allowed our species to survive and prosper. Men and women have unique strengths and weaknesses that evolution has given them. The strengths of one complement the weaknesses of the other and vice versa. When both genders respect and balance their differences, their work together becomes effortless — instead of getting bogged down in misunderstandings and miscommunication.

Going back to examine the ancient past, then, is more than an attempt to understand evolutionary psychology. It is a practical pursuit that can give you real insights into the problems you may be facing on your job or in your business. Before we travel through history to examine the specific caveman traits that continue to show up in today's workplace, it is helpful to keep these points in mind:

FIRST, any discussion in the highly-charged arena of malefemale relationships runs the risk of stereotyping both genders or citing generalizations about behavior that do not apply to every single person. It is impossible to avoid that risk entirely; nevertheless, I have attempted to do so by alerting you in advance that this book is built on research and personal observations about the behavior of the average male and the basic tendencies displayed by each gender. Remember, averages, represent the middle ground between two extremes. For example, men tend to have greater upper body strength than women. This does not mean that all men have more upper body strength than all women. As you read these pages, you will no doubt think of men — or women — who do not adhere to a particular behavior pattern. Just remember that we're talking about the tendencies of typical males and females, not specific individuals.

SECONDLY, each gender has false assumptions about the other, and those assumptions are the source of many problems. Each of us has our own and unique view of the world. While these views may be similar to those of others, they are never identical. Yet we assume and act as if everyone else sees the world in the same way that we do. This is a mistake. As I related in the story about my daughters when they were young in the Introduction, boys often treated them in the same manner as they would treat other boys — and my girls would reject those boys as friends or playmates because of it. The boys assumed that girls perceived the world just as they did; they were shocked when their teasing and bantering backfired. Women, too, make the mistake of assuming that men share their perception of reality — experiencing being blindsided by male behavior or being angry and resentful about it. To avoid those traps and get the most from this book, I invite you to put aside your pre-conceived judgments about men, so you can be open to new insights.

THIRD, men are often not conscious about much of their behavior because they have been "acting like men" since they were four or five years old. To establish their identities as males, boys have to separate from their mothers and reject her female dimension. They start adapting to the norms of other males at such a young age that, by the time they are adults, men assume that their attitudes and behaviors simply reflect what "normal guys" think and do. This means that even though females may not have to deal with the blatant overt sexism of the past (which, granted, has not disappeared entirely), the bigger problem for most women is the unconscious — and unproductive — ways in which men relate to them. Women's business calls to men are not returned. They experience being passed over for promotions and fail to break through the infamous "glass ceiling" to advance to the highest levels of a company. For the most part, however, men in the business world are not consciously seeking to put women down or keep them from advancing. In fact, men actively look for people who can help their team win and they do not care about gender as long as everyone contributes to winning. Beyond that, many men are simply unaware of what they say or do that can make women feel "dissed" or left out. I bring up this point not to excuse men, but to help you understand why some guys "just don't get it," when women complain to or...