IDENTIFYING OUR PERVASIVE SHOULDS

"But what's the big deal about the word should? It's just a common word people use to express themselves every day, isn't it?" Yes, people do use the word every day. But that doesn't mean it is healthy or productive. There are seven major qualms I have with the concept of should:

1.Should assumes that there is an agreed-upon governing body of principles that we can all defer to in order to determine morality and standards. It assumes that you and I have knowingly and willingly entered into an arrangement stating, "We will both respect and follow the dictates of this system. We will agree upon how people should behave, how they should appear, what they should value." Outside of a convent or the military, is this true? Hardly. You are bound to encounter people different from yourself in this world, who have different values. All of us carry around our own governing systems based on ideas we have learned throughout our lives, and most people believe theirs are definitely "right." However, it is exactly this narrow faith in an invisible "objective committee" which leads us to condemn ourselves and others, and causes problems in our relationships. In chapter 3, we explore numerous learning sources that instill in us the values we believe. Suffice to say, there is no objective moral standard for living that all individuals in a diverse world will completely agree upon, and so the term should holds no universal meaning. It's useless!

2.Should absolves the speaker of all personal responsibility. When you say, "I should go now," what are you really saying? That you have no desires or preferences of your own? By disavowing your own needs and wants, you never have to take ownership or authorization for your life. You can then defer your actions to that invisible committee that doesn't exist. This frequently results in blaming others for your problems and identifying yourself as a victim.

3.Should frequently encourages conformity and sameness. "You should act like others, dress like others, live like others, etc." It not only tries to squash out individuality and creativity, but it also harms those who are not able or willing to meet the standards that others appear to be living by. Children and adolescents deal with this in school every day from teachers and other students. Many adults continue to experience this in their work environments, families, even social groups.

4.Should positions your thoughts to be in direct conflict with reality. "I shouldn't be stuck in traffic right now;" "I should feel healthy today;" "You should have been home by now;" "It shouldn't have rained on the day of my party!" Notice how this feels. By telling yourself that something should be different from how it actually is, you are setting yourself up to experience unnecessary stress, anger, fatigue, and hopelessness. In chapters 2 and 3 we will take a closer look at how your thoughts determine your feelings and moods. Suffice to say for now: if you are determined to argue with reality, you are going to lose, and quite often feel worse about a situation than you did before.

5.Should is an ineffective motivator for behavioral change. When it is being used to shame someone to work harder, make healthier choices, or produce more, it does not generate the intended results for any sustainable period of time. Many employers mistakenly operate under the belief that if they use "should" with their employees, then the employees will want to work harder and conform to standards. But do you remember a time when a boss has told you that you should do something? Did it really make you want to do it? In chapter 5, we will take a closer look at misguided attempts at using should to promote changes, even positive ones.

6.Should has always been used to maintain power imbalances and oppression. "The status quo" is a Latin term for "the ways things were before." Society has much invested in keeping things "the way they were before." Change is scary for anyone, especially for individuals in positions of power. Politicians, corporate leaders, religious figures — anyone who feels threatened by change — will tend to cling tightly to the status quo and use should as a way of manipulating others into doing the same. Every minority group that has struggled for equal rights has had to confront this.

7.Shoulds demand that we essentially play cop while monitoring our actions and the actions of others. They require us to spend great amounts of time and energy reviewing behaviors and determining how they should be done differently. Historically, individuals in society were motivated to act in ways that would avoid incurring the wrath of a king or a god. Today, people are more motivated to act in ways that would avoid incurring the disapproval of their friends and family. Shoulds lead to extreme fears of embarrassment and social exclusion. We know that we will not get struck down by a god or legally exiled by a sovereign if we get fat. But the internal shame and social stigma can be far more powerful. It is this self-other regulation that causes us to walk around feeling anxious, alienated, afraid, and exhausted. Our bodies will not be put in prison for gaining weight, but our minds will.

Questioning, investigating, exploring, and challenging social norms are essential to living a happier life. I believe that when someone is going to therapy or seeking to be healed from their pain, it is not sufficient to look solely at that individual and her/his relationships, but to be aware of the world around that individual which creates, sustains, and profits from that pain. This is not a matter of playing the "blame game." It is just the opposite. When you have a more complete picture of how you have come to experience anxiety and depression, you are then able and equipped to take responsibility for it and take effective action to reduce it.

It is therefore important to understand how much of everyday anger, hopelessness, and anxiety originate from your own thoughts and perceptions of the world around you. What follows is a partial list of shoulds that many of us carry around. Check those you have experienced. At the bottom of each list, write in your own shoulds. If you so desire, please send me your contributions at www.shouldless.com. I'm always fascinated by new shoulds people come up with to torture themselves.

CONSIDER THIS:

Shoulds are like cigarettes for the soul. They may seem harmless initially — one or two every now...