Christine B. Whelan, PhD, is a professor, author and journalist. She is a visiting assistant professor of sociology at the University of Pittsburgh. She earned a doctorate from the University of Oxford for her research on the self-help industry. Dr. Whelan is the author of Marry Smart: The Intelligent Woman’s Guide to True Love and Why Smart Men Marry Smart Women. She has been published in the Wall Street Journal, the Washington Post, and the New York Times, among others. She writes a bi-weekly relationship advice column for BustedHalo, a young adult website. She has appeared live on television and radio programs across the nation.

CHAPTER 1

Who Are You?

Why Understanding Your ValuesIs the First Step to Success

How do I find my path and direction in life? How do I knowwhat I want to become or what I'm destined to be?—Evan

For most of your life, you've been told what to do. But now, "real life"is beginning—and it's your turn to call the shots. What do you want todo? Who do you want to be? This chapter is about asking some deepquestions about yourself and finding your purpose in the world. Toachieve that, this chapter will challenge you to

* Figure out your values,

* Vocalize your purpose, and

* Create a personal mission statement to guide you on the pathto a wise, tenacious, and fearless you.

Are you ready to jump right in?

It's 2021 and, tragically, you've died young. You're watching your ownmemorial service where your friends, family members, coworkers, andmembers of your groups or clubs are going to speak about who youwere. What do you want them to say? What did you do with your life?

Brutal, right? But let it play out, because it's one of the best ways tofigure out what you value in life ... while you've still got decades tomake it happen. Take some time with this question. Daydream realisticallyabout where you see yourself. Are you a parent? A communityleader? Who is most central in your life? Do you want your friends todescribe you as loyal? Hardworking? optimistic? And are you on trackto make this happen?

This powerful exercise is used by several self-help books, includingStephen Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and DavidBach's The Finish Rich Workbook. The point is to demonstrate thatbeing busy and getting a lot done aren't the same as accomplishingyour goals. This is a crucial message as you struggle with the purpose,direction, and meaning of your life.

"Imagining my own funeral in all its intricacies was a very intenseexperience that provided a very good mental image of who I want togrow to be," said Chris. "once I began thinking about how I wanted tobe remembered by those that know me, I really started thinking aboutwhat type of person I am and what type of person I want to strive to be.Though at times I fall short of this ideal, this habit has increased myawareness of my own actions in relation to who I want to be."

Fellow tester Carly said she'd had a too-personal experience withthis scenario recently when a close friend died in a car accident. Thattragedy, and this exercise, reminded her of what was really importantin life. "I think that people need to do what they want to be rememberedby. Whether it's a first impression or a last, think about the endresult of the behavior you are exhibiting. It also leads to goals in life.When I think about the end of my life, I have a picture of where I wantto be. Having the end in mind keeps me focused on the goals I hopeto achieve."

You might think this is a really morbid way to begin an optimisticbook—but don't skip over this exercise. By thinking about who youwant to be and what you want to accomplish now, in your twenties, youare much better prepared to achieve those goals in the coming years.In previous generations, self-help was mostly for people in their fortiesand fifties who were realizing, belatedly, that they wanted somethingdifferent from their lives. Fortunately, you can start a lot sooner.

In 2021, I will be __________ years old. I will have accomplished thefollowing things:

1. ________________________________________________________________________

2. ________________________________________________________________________

3. ________________________________________________________________________

4. ________________________________________________________________________

What are the phrases that you'd hope to hear as those closest toyou describe your personality and your core values?

1. ________________________________________________________________________

2. ________________________________________________________________________

3. ________________________________________________________________________

4. ________________________________________________________________________

Take a moment to consider: Are you living your life now so thatpeople would say this about you ... if you died tomorrow? If youare at all uncertain, it's time to focus on living your values.

What Are Values?

Your values guide your decisions, both big and small. Values are what'simportant to you, what you cherish about yourself and your relationshipswith others. Values are about who you want to be—and yet, forsome reason, we spend very little time thinking about our values.

In his bestselling financial planning guide, The Finish Rich Workbook,David Bach tells readers that knowing their values—and gettingclear about who they want to be—is the first step toward achievingfinancial goals. "When you understand what's important to you, itbecomes much easier to focus on who you want to be, then on whatyou want to do, and, finally, on what 'stuff ' you really want to have," hewrites. But knowing your values helps a lot more than just your financiallife: Having a clear sense of who you want to be will guide everyone of your life decisions—for the better.

Values are...