GETTING TO KNOW YOU

"Can I talk to you?" my daughter asked one evening as I was finishing a work email. I didn't think much of it and said, "Sure." Then she said, "In private?" Uh-oh. I could feel my heart beating, hear the throbbing in my ears. What did I do? What did she do? What's wrong?

While my daughter happily participates in conversations, she rarely initiates them — and this sounded serious. I needed to finish my email but I was having trouble focusing. We went to her room and she sat on her bed and looked at me, eyes wide. We just sat.

Eventually, she shared that she had thought she'd done well on a few tests and assignments but that her scores were not what she wanted. She was disappointed in herself. I sat there, relieved. I care about her grades, but I was ecstatic that she cared about her grades. And I was thrilled that she came to me. "Okay," I responded. "What can I do?" A parent's natural instinct is to jump in and fix a problem, but I soon realized that I didn't need to do anything. I just needed to be there with her and help her think through her next steps.

In parenting, the goal is to raise an independent adult, and it's often hard to keep that in mind when you're in the midst of it, dealing with an adolescent. We want kids to do their own thing, take risks, and find themselves — however, we would prefer that they do it the way we want. But following parents' instructions every step of the way is not what growing up is about. While kids will not take the path we set out for them every time, we can still remain a strong influence in our children's lives. The best way to keep your influence in your child's life is to stay connected.

PUSHING BOUNDARIES

When you think back, how do you remember the experience of growing up? What were your concerns? Whom did you go to for advice or to talk things through? If you went to your parents, why? What solidified your relationship and how did they maintain that trust with you? Do you and your child have a similar trusting relationship? And if you didn't go to your parents, why not? What was the barrier? Have you created a similar barrier with your child? How can you start to break it down?

A child's job as she grows up is to push boundaries and try new things. We should expect kids to make poor choices and do things we'd prefer they not do. Our job is to keep calm and carry on. So when your child acts out, makes a mistake, or gets caught red-handed, it's your job to understand that her behavior is likely not a personal stab at you but rather part of the process of growing up. And while it's your job to help your child see the error of her ways by establishing logical consequences, be sure to talk with her about her decisions and their ramifications. This conversation provides her with context and understanding, and sets her up to make a different decision next time — or to at least better understand her choice and its likely outcome. During conversations about choice-making, acknowledge your child's feelings and perspective — her concerns, anxiety, anger, sadness. What drove her decision?

Teens and tweens often experience strong emotions that they are not prepared to handle in the moment. So acknowledge their feelings and realize that understanding does not mean you have to celebrate the emotion or the decision that resulted from it. Rather, you are showing your child that you are trying to understand where she is coming from.

Acknowledgement doesn't mean you have to refrain from punishing your child if she has transgressed. For example, if your daughter was angry and took the car out after curfew to blow off steam, then she should face the consequences — perhaps she should lose car privileges for a set period of time. But the consequence comes after you've discussed her feelings, her decisions, and healthy alternatives. The goal is to open a conversation so you can better relate- so you can understand why she reacted as she did and she, in turn, can understand why you are upset by her behavior.

If you develop a habit of conversation, you will maintain influence in your child's life, and she will have the opportunity to see things through your eyes. Sure, she will make up her own mind, but she will have the benefit of your perspective. We all come to conversations with our own unique viewpoint — and so do our kids. You might think you're simply making small talk, but then all of a sudden you're in a full-on debate. Don't assume your child agrees with your political or social views, and don't be surprised when your child argues vociferously about something that doesn't matter all that much to you.

Examine your own hopes, fears, concerns, and motivations so you have insight into your approach. Getting to know ourselves and our kids is the best start to understanding how we deal with conversations. Use the parent-child interview questions later in this chapter to share your views and experiences and to get to know your child. You'll start to notice patterns in your interactions, and you can use those patterns to replicate what works well and to adjust what doesn't. For example, if you tend to approach conversations with an open question and your child responds, continue doing that. And if you start conversations with a strong opinion and your child shuts down quickly, try a gentler tactic.

TACKLING THE PROJECT

If you want to be an influencer in your child's life, you need to invite your child in and listen to him. We can't just tell our kids our values, we need to illustrate where our values come from and share the stories that fostered those values. In establishing a strong bond with your children, you increase the chance of them coming to you with the good, the bad, and the ugly. You want them to celebrate their wins with you and share their funny experiences, but you also want them to come to you when the going gets rough.

When we are in the midst of a discussion, especially a heated or emotional one, we can overthink and overreact — or we may underthink our response, suggesting we are not as invested in the topic at hand. While you're trying to balance overthinking and underthinking your next decision, your tweens and teens are defining themselves in every moment, also overthinking and underthinking their decisions.

At the same time, adolescents are trying to hold steady in the face of all the emotional and physical changes they are experiencing, as well as handle intense peer...