Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Marty Babits, LCSW, BCD (New York, NY), is a psychotherapist in private practice and a member of the Executive Supervisory Committee of FACTS (the Family and Couples Treatment Service) of the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy.

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THE POWER OF THE MIDDLE GROUND

Prometheus Books

Contents

FOREWORD........................................................................13PREFACE.........................................................................17ACKNOWLEDGMENTS.................................................................19INTRODUCTION....................................................................21Exercise: Middle-Ground Responses...............................................26CHAPTER 1: WHAT'S THE MIDDLE GROUND?............................................29Exercise: Do You Have a Middle Ground?..........................................41CHAPTER 2: RENAISSANCE IN LOVEMAKING............................................45Exercise: The Basic Three-Step..................................................57Exercise: Second Camera.........................................................65CHAPTER 3: WHERE CAN A GAY COUPLE FIND TRUE LOVE?...............................69CHAPTER 4: OLDER CAN BE BETTER..................................................95Exercise: One Talks, the Other Doesn't..........................................105Exercise: Reaching Out from the Inside..........................................109CHAPTER 5: PARENTHOOD...........................................................115Exercise: Teamwork Quiz.........................................................131Exercise: Keeping Love Alive....................................................133CHAPTER 6: SYNCOPATED RHYTHMS...................................................135CHAPTER 7: SEVEN GUIDELINES FOR MIDDLE-GROUND COMMUNICATION.....................153Exercise: Guideline Mastery Quiz................................................162Exercise: Guideline Review......................................................165CHAPTER 8: LETTING GO OF ANGER..................................................167Exercise: Your Anger Profile....................................................181Exercise: Your Anger Genogram...................................................184CHAPTER 9: TWO MYTHS............................................................189CHAPTER 10: FERTILE GROUND......................................................201Exercise: Compare-and-Contrast Worksheet........................................213CHAPTER 11: ROUNDING OUT THE MIDDLE GROUND-FINAL REMARKS........................217APPENDIX 1: APPROACHING COUPLES' WORK...........................................229APPENDIX 2: ENVISIONING POSSIBILITIES...........................................235APPENDIX 3: YOUR RELATIONAL AUTOIMMUNE SYSTEM...................................249APPENDIX 4: WHAT TO DO IF YOUR PARTNER IS ABUSIVE...............................253APPENDIX 5: SELECT RECOMMENDED READINGS.........................................255INDEX...........................................................................259

Chapter One

Most couples who seek help feel their difficulties center around communication. Carl and Amanda echo this concern when they consult me. At their first session, I ask, "What brings you to seek help at this time?"

"We don't communicate," Amanda replies.

"That's right," says Carl. "We have problems with communication."

I inquire, "But what brings you in to see me at this time? Why now?"

Amanda takes the lead. "Recently Carl lost his temper. That's been happening a lot lately but this time, the force of his anger frightened me. I said to myself, 'Something is wrong here.' I don't frighten easily. That's when I knew we needed help."

Not all couples complain of explosive anger as a key problem, but it is far from a rarity that I hear this complaint. At this point, Carl slouches back on the deep-purple couch and pulls a fringed pillow against his chest, as if it were a hot-water bottle.

Carl speaks haltingly. "She's right about what she said. There's something wrong, something missing."

"Can you tell me more about what is missing?" I reply. "Can you describe this thing that isn't in your relationship now? This thing that you need."

He nods his head, acknowledging my question; appears deep in thought; but, in the end, simply shrugs. My first hunch is that, like a lot of men, Carl grew up with little awareness that this skill-talking about feelings-would be so critical to his success or failure as a relational partner.

When Carl finally speaks, I learn that he feels like he is failing in his relationship with Amanda. He feels that, as a man, he should be able to maintain and project a stabilizing, reassuring presence. Amanda's growing insecurity confirms just how far short Carl has fallen. He realizes, without being able to stop himself, how hurtful his lashing out at Amanda is. He is unhappy about the relationship and about who he is in it.

Although painful for Carl, his dissatisfaction with himself is a potentially hopeful sign. Embedded within his dissatisfaction is the wish to make more of the relationship than what currently exists. Carl, unknowingly, is poised to discover that he already possesses sufficient motivation to make the positive changes that, as yet, he cannot visualize.

Couples who lack a middle ground, like Amanda and Carl, feel underappreciated and misunderstood. Each feels alone and lonely in the other's presence. Their attempts at communication end up in a power struggle. This situation is so common that it could be designated as the usual starting point for couples' work: Square One.

WHAT IS THE "MIDDLE GROUND"?

Imagine a place that brings the potential for love and compassion alive within your relationship. What would you call a place where you and your partner learn to communicate more productively? What would you call a place where understandings can develop from genuine differences? What name would you give a place in which natural capacities for sharing can be unfrozen and an atmosphere of emotional safety can flourish? I call this place the "middle ground."

If you are looking for help in your relationship, it's very likely you can't see this place clearly. Perhaps you've seen it but didn't recognize what you were witnessing. Perhaps you have never-not even within your imagination-had a glimpse of it. This is the middle ground.

This book will help you identify the middle-ground potential in your relationship and guide you in developing it.

GLIMPSES OF THE MIDDLE GROUND

Let's say your partner comes home in a bad mood and, rather than taking his mood personally-as an insult, a slight, a power maneuver-you wonder if something is bothering him. This puts you in a position to be an ally. Partners as allies-try to visualize this situation as it might pertain to you. Now consider what you see as a glimpse of the middle ground.

What does it take to support a middle-ground response like this, to be a good ally, a quality that many couples lack? The ability to weigh your responses, to fan out options, and to make choices rather than simply react as if on automatic pilot is crucial. And this requires a degree of patience, a rare commodity these days, but it can be developed. Every step toward the middle ground-including the exercises and activities found in this book-involves developing patience. Simply put, there is no way to sustain an adult partnership that does not require patience.

A second glimpse-Carol desires Kyle, but he is...