Über die Autorin bzw. den Autor

Harmon Leon (San Francisco, CA) is an award-winning journalist who has appeared on The Howard Stern Show, Penn and Teller: Bullshit!, and The Jamie Kennedy Experiment, and has written for The San Francisco Chronicle, Cosmopolitan, Maxim, Details, E!, NPR’s This American Life, Spin, Wired, The Guardian, and more. His first book, The Harmon Chronicles, won a 2003 Independent Publishers Award for humor. Leon is also a stand-up comedian.

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The Infiltrator

Prometheus Books

Contents

Introduction..................................................................91. A Big Sausage Fest for the Lord!...........................................132. I Was OJ's Accomplice!.....................................................293. I Got Laid at a Teen Abstinence Educators' Conference!.....................454. Bullshitting the Lie Detector..............................................695. Rage with the Machine......................................................796. How to Get Poor Quick......................................................957. Resume for Disaster!.......................................................1058. A Leap of Faith............................................................1139. The Minutemen's Fifteenth Minute of Fame...................................12510. A Waste of Time-share.....................................................15111. Head-Banging for Jesus!...................................................16112. Save the Cute Animals.....................................................17113. Moonbat Is on the Air.....................................................18314. Scam Outsourcing..........................................................19115. Sunday, Porn-y Sunday.....................................................20716. I Expose the Illuminati!..................................................22517. Infiltrator President of the Protest Warriors.............................237

Chapter One

Men. Manly Men.

The first thing one notices when walking toward the HP Pavilion in San Jose is lots of men-nothing but big groups of men. Not sissy-boy men, but manly men. The kind that go to big sporting events and watch play-off games with their buddies, not to mention men who are lovin' the Jesus. Tonight, the womenfolk are made to stay at home; it's guys only as the testosterone pumps in the large sports arena where the Sharks play hockey-all in the name of the Lord. Yes, "Calling Men to an Unpredictable Adventure"-as their saying goes-these are the Promise Keepers!

"If you want to truly change the world, change the men," states the Promise Keepers' literature. (Sorry, ladies!) This weekend is designed to "expose a list of lies of the world against their manhood." Holy shit, not only are people lying to men, but our very manhood is at stake too!

Who started the Promise Keepers in 1990? Why, the head coach of the University of Colorado football team (a manly man doing a manly job). Touring twenty cities around the country, with ticket prices at eighty-nine dollars, filling larger outdoor stadium events with upwards of forty thousand people, Promise Keepers are holy big business. Yes, as far as filling arenas goes, the Promise Keepers are the AC/DC of men-only, Jesus-centered events.

What separates me (a man) from most of these men (not women) is I'm in the inner circle for this weekend's arena event. That's right, phoning a few days earlier, I volunteered to be on the Promise Keepers Prayer Team.

"Do you have experience putting your hands on men and praying for them?" the Prayer Team Leader asked.

"Yeah. This morning, as a matter of fact," I replied. "I put my hands on men and pray all the time!"

Highly pleased with my response, he put me on the team. "You're going to see some wild things," he added.

"What kind of things?" I asked, wondering if it would involve a big religious circle jerk.

"Transgressions, speaking in tongues, guys confessing to homosexuality, alcohol problems ..."

"Cool! Bring it on!" I responded. Pause. "Woo!"

Some (we'll call them the whiny naysayers) proclaim that the Promise Keepers are a component of the religious and political right-a Trojan horse, if you will-for the advancement of an ultraconservative patriarchy. For instance, Promise #4 calls for men to reclaim their leadership role in the family. In a Promise Keepers' book, a section titled "Reclaiming your Manhood" reads: "Sit down with your wife and say something like this: `Honey, I've made a terrible mistake. I've given you my role. I gave up leading this family, and I forced you to take my place. Now, I must reclaim that role.' ... I'm not suggesting you ask for your role back, I'm urging you to take it back.... There can be no compromise here. If you're going to lead, you must lead." And what if "Honey" doesn't quite acquiesce to this change? Too bad! Manly men, according to the Promise Keepers, must take charge.

That's why I'm cunningly going undercover in the persona of a manly Promise Keepers volunteer. That will show that not only I can be a pumped-up member of the Prayer Team but also, more important, I can also be a MAN or perhaps reclaim my manhood.

Persona

Name: Martin Manly.

Hobbies: Doing one-handed pushups.

Costume: Red, white, and blue patriotic tracksuit and a baseball cap.

Catchphrase: "Go Niners and Jesus!"

Goal: To high-five as many men as possible-in a manly sort of fashion for Jesus.

Inside the packed HP Pavilion, it's a big sausage fest, or pickle party, for the Lord. Ten thousand men, mostly big-bellied in sports jerseys and baseball caps, sit in the hockey arena's stands, shoveling down pizza and nachos. This is just like Comedy Central's The Man Show, but without the fun of women on trampolines (because it's men only). I expect the concession stand to sell big "Jesus is #1" Styrofoam fingers and beer hats for drinking red wine (the blood of Christ, of course). The crowd files into the stands that surround the large stage, with the same anticipation as those would arriving for the big game. To some, this is the big game. It must be really great for these guys to sit around, eat crappy food, fart if they want to, and learn about Jesus with their buddies.

"Git 'er done!" I hear someone yell from the stands.

Already checked in at the volunteer station, I've exchanged my patriotic track top for a manly baby-blue official "Promise Keepers-The Awakening" T-shirt and all-access badge that reads "Martin." Passing large men in sports-team shirts with their hands full of nachos and popcorn, I make my way toward an enormous sign that reads "Prayer Booth." Much like a kissing booth, the prayer booth is an area set up with several curtains, where those wishing to be prayed with can do so in privacy, led by us, the Prayer Team.

"I'm here to volunteer for the Prayer Team," I proclaim to an enthusiastic man. "Woo!"

"Great. We'll be having a briefing at six," he enthusiastically says, putting his hand on my back. I throw him a high five.

Roughly twelve middle-age to older gentlemen stand there, some looking like they've had hard living before meeting Jesus, others looking like they teach Sunday school. We, the Prayer Team, are brought into the bowels of the arena, corralled in a narrow hallway. One mustachioed man-who could easily be mistaken for talking to himself-is actually praying. All of us are adorned in matching blue Promise Keepers volunteer T-shirts. We, the Prayer Team, are the elite squadron that is on hand to satisfy the entire arena's praying needs.

"I volunteered for the Prayer Team just to get the free T-shirt," one of the men confides as I high-five him.

The Prayer Team...