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See your marriage through God’s eyes
What happened to that perfect person you married? When did you turn into opposites? And where did all those nasty conflicts come from?
The Inventor of marriage has the answers. After all, He created you and your spouse—and knows how both of you can best communicate, cooperate, and negotiate.
In Essentials of Marriage: Who Did You Really Marry? you’ll discover Bible-based strategies for understanding and bonding with your spouse—no matter how long you’ve been together. It starts with a lively DVD presentation from some of today’s top experts—Gary Smalley, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, Dr. John Trent, Dr. Gary Chapman, Dr. Gary and Barb Rosberg, Dr. Juli Slattery, Dr. Greg Smalley, and Mitch Temple.
The adventure continues with this Participant’s Guide—just what you need to apply that practical wisdom to your marriage.
Here’s what you’ll find inside:

• Discussion questions to get you thinking and talking
• Creative exercises to bring you and your spouse closer
• Scripture input to keep you on track
• Down-to-earth advice from Focus on the Family counselors
• “Next step” activities for practicing what you’ve learned

These days, holy matrimony takes more than good intentions. Whether you’re studying as spouses or in a group, make sure you have what every couple needs: the Essentials of Marriage.
Great for couples, small groups, Sunday school classes, retreats, and community outreach events.
This Participant’s Guide to be used in conjunction with the Essentials of Marriage: Who Did You Really Marry? DVD; Leader’s Guide also available.

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WHO DID YOU REALLY MARRY? PARTICIPANT'S GUIDE

Love Languages, Personality Types, Communication

TYNDALE HOUSE PUBLISHERS, INC.

Copyright © 2009 Focus on the Family
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-58997-562-0

Contents

Welcome!...........................................................v1 Opposites Attract................................................12 Let's Talk (Part 1)..............................................133 Let's Talk (Part 2)..............................................234 Safely Navigating Through Conflicts (Part 1).....................375 Safely Navigating Through Conflicts (Part 2).....................476 Languages of Love................................................57Notes..............................................................69About Our DVD Presenters...........................................70

Chapter One

OPPOSITES ATTRACT

"When she's stressed out, she talks all the time. If I get tired of talking to her after an hour or so, she gets a second wind and calls a friend!"

"He's so sensitive. I can't correct him without it making him angry. No matter what I say, he takes it wrong."

"After we leave a social event, I get so angry I can't see straight. She embarrasses me-not once, but throughout the evening."

If these statements hit home, you're not alone. Most of us have said-or at least thought-similar things about our spouses.

Couples often tell therapists that one of their toughest challenges is adjusting to a spouse's personality. Many of those people are ready to give up and resign themselves to a miserable state of existence. Others fear their situations will worsen to a point where the spouse's personality turns repulsive-and divorce will be inevitable.

So what do you do? Stay miserable? Get angry and resentful? Leave?

We suggest none of the above. -Mitch Temple Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

FINDING YOURSELF

Identifying Your Needs

This survey will help you think about how you're already handling the issues discussed in this session.

1. If you and your spouse were musical instruments, what kind would you be? Why?

___ handbells in a choir

___ dueling banjos

___ an electric guitar and an acoustic guitar

___ a gloomy oboe and a perky flute

___ a loud trombone and a muted trumpet

___ other _______________________

2. When it comes to marriage, which of the following sayings do you agree with? Why?

___ "Opposites attract."

___ "It takes all kinds."

___ "Birds of a feather flock together."

___ "It takes one to know one."

___ "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus."

3. Which of the following ideas do you think are false? Why?

___ God has one person picked out for you.

___ You need to find your soul mate.

___ Some personality types are incompatible.

___ It's a good idea to understand your spouse's personality type.

___ Generally speaking, gender determines personality type.

___ If you married the "wrong" type, you'll be miserable.

4. Did you and your spouse take a personality test before marriage? If not, why not? If so, what effect did it have? _____________________ ___________________________________________________________________

5. Would you say that your parents were the right "type" for each other? Why or why not? ___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________

6. What does it mean to say that spouses are "perfect for each other"? Does this describe any couples you know? __________________________ ___________________________________________________________________

CATCHING THE VISION

Watching and Discussing the DVD

"It takes all kinds." But when two very different kinds find themselves in the same marriage, the results aren't always pretty. Often the contrasts that attracted couples end up repelling them.

In this DVD segment, bestselling author and counselor Dr. John Trent looks at the differences between spouses-and how concentrating on strengths can make those differences assets instead of liabilities. Host and counselor Dr. Greg Smalley adds a story from his own family, too.

You'll have fun deciding what types you and your spouse are, and how to make the most of it.

After viewing the DVD, use questions like these to help you think through what you saw and heard.

1. What do spouses usually mean when they say the following? Do you think these sayings are facts, half-truths, romantic notions, or myths? Why?

"Opposites attract."

"You complete me."

"She's my better half."

"He's everything I'm not."

"I don't know what I'd do without her."

2. According to Dr. John Trent, what are the four personality types? If you were to express them not as animals but as different kinds of cars, what would they be?

3. Which of the following "personality pairs" do you think would get along better? Why?

lion and lion

lion and golden retriever

otter and otter

otter and beaver

4. Let's say a couple has to decide whether to move 1,000 miles away so that the husband can take a new job with more pay and bigger challenges. All the wife's friends are in the current location, and neither spouse knows anyone in the new place. How might each of the following personality combinations approach the question, and what do you think each couple would decide? Why?

otter wife and beaver husband

lion husband and golden retriever wife

two golden retrievers

two otters

5. John Trent points out that lions tend to approach problems aggressively; golden retrievers tend to step away from problems. How could spouses with these personalities serve as "checks and balances" on each other in the following situations?

The couple's 12-year-old son is on a soccer team, but the coach hardly ever lets him play.

The couple's 10-year-old daughter won't practice her piano playing between lessons.

The couple's 14-year-old cat will die without a $7,500 operation.

The "golden retriever's" widowed 80-year-old mother is no longer able to take care of herself.

6. How would you describe your personality type and that of your spouse? What conflicts do you think John Trent would expect you to have? Do you actually tend to have them? If not, why not?

7. How have personality differences between you and your spouse played a positive role in your marriage? If your spouse suddenly swapped personalities with someone else, what would you miss most about those differences?

DIGGING DEEPER

Bible Study

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"

"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen...