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LOSING CONTROL & LIKING IT

TYNDALE HOUSE PUBLISHERS, INC.

Contents

Introduction...........................................................1PART I: GETTING TOO MUCH OF A GRIP1 Control: It's Not Your Department....................................72 The Real Job of Parenting............................................213 Why Teens (and Parents) Go Out of Control............................354 Free Will: "You Have the Right to Remain Stupid".....................45PART II: CONTROL AND YOUR GOAL5 HOLDers, TOSSers, GRABers, and FOLDers...............................596 Three Habits of Highly Controlling People............................75PART III: TURNING OFF THE POWER STRUGGLE7 Dances of Influence..................................................918 Rules of Engagement..................................................1039 When They Make You So Mad (and Vice Versa)...........................12110 Intervention: When You Have to Step In..............................12911 "But I'm 18!".......................................................14712 Bringing It All Home................................................167Notes..................................................................179

Chapter One

As a therapist working with teenagers and their families, I've heard many a story from parents. Some of them go like these.

Denise's daughter is overweight, and the two constantly battle over junk food. While Denise serves low-calorie dinners and packs healthy lunches, she frequently finds her daughter sneaking between-meal cookies and chips. The 14-year-old spends her babysitting money at the nearby convenience store, loading up on snack cakes and soft drinks. Angry, Denise strikes back by withholding allowance and repeatedly warning of the consequences of unhealthy eating habits. Nothing seems to work.

Mac's blood pressure skyrockets when he thinks of his 15-year-old son getting his driver's license in a few short months. The boy has completed an expensive, private driver-training course and seems cautious and responsible. But Mac can't stop remembering his son's kamikaze approach to theme-park bumper cars five years ago. This hapless father's knuckles turn white when his teenager is at the wheel; his right foot presses an invisible brake pedal while his heart races like crazy. He wonders if he should make his son wait to get his license until he's 17 ... or 18 ... or 20.

Joe wonders where his little boy and girl have gone. His sweet, bright-eyed grade-schoolers suddenly have been replaced by a shaggy, lanky 15-year-old boy who appears unaware of his own overwhelming body odor-and a 13-year-old girl who favors tight tank tops and too much eye makeup. Joe's wife has had some loud conversations with their daughter about her tastes in clothes and cosmetics, but neither parent has confronted their son about his pungent smell. Joe knows it's probably up to him, but he hates to destroy the boy's self-esteem. He wonders whether he's just being a control freak. He looks on his bookshelf for help, but finds nothing. They never deal with anything practical in those parenting books, he thinks.

Like Denise, Mac, and Joe, you probably face plenty of situations in which a book called The Complete Guide to Controlling Your Teenager would seem helpful. It wouldn't be, though. The idea of being your son's or daughter's puppeteer might sound appealing, but the results would be disastrous for both of you.

This book takes a different approach. And when it comes to control, many of us parents need to as well.

Are You Out of Control?

Parenting is a daunting task when you consider the consequences of major decisions like these:

how your teen spends his free time

which friends she spends time with

how he makes and spends money

how she approaches her schoolwork

when he starts driving

what she eats, where she eats, and how much

whether he goes to church or youth group

what she looks like

what level of personal hygiene he attains

whether or not she uses foul language

what parties and other social events he attends

whether she smokes, drinks, or uses illegal drugs

It's no wonder so many parents would like to control those decisions until the last possible second. But is that wise, not to mention doable? Here are some questions you may be asking about control as you try to set boundaries with your teenager:

Which parts of a situation belong to me and which belong to my teen?

What's mine to decide and what's not?

How much "rope" can I give my daughter before she "hangs" herself?

What does my son get to choose, and what do I choose for him?

Should I make my teenager go to church with the family?

What about rules?

What about freedom?

What about being responsible?

What about respect?

What about his hair?

How do I get her to do her homework?

What if my daughter is already 18 years old?

Over and over I've heard parents ask questions like these. Control is one of the biggest issues they encounter, and one of the most misunderstood.

Illusions of Control

I try to base all my counseling on what Jesus said in John 8:32: "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." Jesus was talking about a particular truth-who He is as the Son of God. But I believe His observation applies to all reality. Knowing and understanding the truth-what reality actually is, like it or not-can set you free from the problems that come with lies and mistaken perceptions.

Error, wrong thinking, skewed beliefs, and misconceptions lie at the root of many, if not most, conflicts. That's certainly true of control. The more accurately you think about something, the healthier your life will be. The converse is also true. The more inaccurate your thinking, the more dysfunctional your relationship with your teen will be-even if you assume your thinking is fine, which we all usually do.

So here's a good place to start: thinking more accurately about control, in order to undo common confusion about its role in relationships.

Many tensions between parents and teens boil down to the issue of control. Sometimes it's not visible on the surface, but lurks below. For instance, you may think you're pressuring your son or daughter to work harder in school to have a better chance at college scholarships. But the deeper issue may be how you feel about the way your teen spends time-texting from that iPhone or hanging with friends instead of doing homework. The two of you are battling for the right to decide.

There are as many myths about control as there are days of the year. Our culture doesn't make it any easier; an alien visiting our society might think we're all a bunch of control freaks. Consider the phrases we use that have the word control in them. Here's a starter list:

remote control

quality control

cruise control

climate control

traffic control

crowd control

master control

weight control

arms control

...