My F in Life

What's in This Chapter?

A Lesson in Self-Awareness

* Finding Professional Lessons in Personal Relationships

* Introduction to Actualized Leadership

* What's Next

People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.

— Carl Jung

Self-awareness is foundational for both leadership effectiveness and personal growth. Most of the time we confuse self-awareness with knowing, and playing to, only our strengths. We usually try to ignore or deny our negative qualities and instinctual reactions; that is why we often resort to blaming others or defending our own limitations when under stress. Swiss psychologist Carl Jung referred to this common reaction as the "shadow" and famously said that blaming our troubles on others instead of truly facing ourselves condemns most of us to live our lives in the "fog of illusion." Think of the shadow as the Mr. or Mrs. Hyde that is the counterpoint to our very best or actualized self, our Dr. Jekyll. When we're under stress, tired, lonely, or "hangry" — or after a cocktail or two — our shadow is more likely to emerge, or erupt.

The good news is that you have a choice: you can either process and manage your shadow, or it will process and manage you. The former is painful but necessary in order to reach your highest potential. The latter is much easier because we don't have to face ourselves and our shortcomings, but ultimately, it's much more disruptive as it usually results in a bad ending: a demotion, termination, divorce, and the like.

Jung's concept of the shadow is crucial to the points I make in this book and also, most importantly, to your ability to make the needed changes in your life (including the development of true self-awareness) to transform and maximize your leadership potential. Without this recognition, it is hard to chart a clear path forward because in a contest of wills, your shadow nearly always wins. It's a truth I had to learn the hard way.

LEADERSHIP SHADOWS

The term "leadership shadow" describes one of the three fear-based reactions we have under stress. Based on the seminal work of Carl Jung and his concept of the shadow, leadership shadows correspond to each of the three motive needs that drive our style: Achiever — Fear of Failure; Affirmer — Fear of Rejection; Asserter — Fear of Betrayal. By assessing your dominant motive need, the assessment included with this book (http://www.ALPFree.com) will give you greater insight to both your style and your leadership shadow. In addition to this enhanced self-awareness, strategies for identifying your leadership shadow triggers are provided to help you more effectively manage your leadership shadow and, in doing so, actualize your highest potential.

A Lesson in Self-Awareness

Dr. Jerry B. Harvey was one of the most insightful and enigmatic thinkers in the fields of organizational behavior and management. Although he died in August 2015, twenty years ago he had a profound impact on my life when I was a graduate student at The George Washington University (GW). In fact, his theories, models, and frameworks ("musings" or "sermons" as he called them) still influence me today.

Anyone lucky enough to have known or worked with Jerry realized early on that he was a walking contradiction. He was fiercely intelligent, but he spoke with a slow, deliberate, Texas drawl. He was a "Bible-thumping Southern Baptist" (his words) but also irreverent as he examined spiritual issues such as "The Organizational Dynamics of the Last Supper and Why Judas Was Not a Traitor" and made the analogy between leading organizational change and passing gas, or "Tooting Your Own Horn," in church.

Jerry referred to business organizations as "Phrog Farms," yet he was in constant demand to consult with business leaders and give keynote addresses. He often reminded us that when we get stabbed in the back, "Our Fingerprints Are Usually on the Knife." He claimed that it was immoral to give someone objective feedback and more ethical to have "Prayers of Communication" with them. He condemned the "Tragedy of the No-Nonsense Manager" and stated time and again that leadership creates loneliness, which then leads to "anaclitic depression" and, if not remedied, a much shorter life. He compared leaders who participate in reductions in force just for the sake of profits to Adolf Eichmann, and he encouraged "Future Managers to Cheat" if that meant giving and receiving help.

Jerry's classic book The Abilene Paradox is a dry, funny, and insightful reminder that it is our "inability to manage agreement, not conflict, that is the single most pressing issue of modern organizations." But despite the apparent contradictions in his writing and professional relationships, there was love and encouragement behind his approach, especially with his students. Jerry constantly reminded his students to push outside their comfort zones, to think with more rigor, to write with greater precision, and to have the courage to ask and seek the answers to big and often painful questions about life and its purpose. I know of no other writer or professor so insightful and provocative. In a world of sound bites, social media updates, and tweets, we need his existential musings and irreverent sermons now more than ever.

Dr. Harvey was my professor for the first time in 1996 when I began GW's doctoral program in Organizational Behavior and Development. As a freshly minted graduate with a master's degree in psychology and management, I was excited to continue my studies under the famed author of The Abilene Paradox.

My first class with Dr. Harvey on group dynamics was unlike any class I had ever taken before. Students wrote poems, performed songs, and played musical instruments to illustrate their understanding of the theoretical models of small group behavior and change dynamics. I was too insecure at the time to do something so creative, so I decided to write a final paper about my divorce and the dysfunction of dependency. I thought it was an excellent choice since the topic of dependency had been the basis for Dr. Harvey's dysfunctional dynamic explored in The Abilene Paradox. I worked hard on the paper, and when I turned it in I was confident that I had done a respectable job of it.

During our last class, all the other students got their final project grades except me. Instead, he singled me out for special attention. "William," Dr. Harvey said as he stared at me over the top of his glasses. "Son, you're going to need to come see me for your grade." To say I was shocked to be called out in front of the whole class is more than an understatement!

The next day I knocked on Dr. Harvey's half-open office door and peeked in. He had his back to me and was reading his Bible. Without looking up, he pointed to an empty chair in front of his desk. I sat down and nervously fidgeted in the chair while waiting for him to acknowledge me. Eventually, he closed the Bible, rubbed his eyes, and turned around to look directly at me. "Well, William," he said, "what do we need to talk about?" Clearing my throat, I responded that I was there to talk about my paper. "Wrong," he said.

Surprised, I quickly reassessed the meeting's purpose and tried another response. "Well then," I replied, "I must be here to talk about my experience in the class, right?"

This response brought both irritation and amusement. "Son," he said, "let me be very clear with you: I don't give a shit about your experience in my class."

"We're going to try this one more time, William, before I fail you," he told me. "Son, what are we here to talk about?" Now I was nervous and, thinking I had nothing to lose, finally let my guard down and ventured another guess.

"I am here to talk about my divorce," I replied.

He grinned just a bit. "I'll give you a B-on that response. No, son, we're here to talk about you," he said, directly pointing a finger at me. "So, tell me, how the hell did all of this happen?" I assumed "this" meant my divorce, so I repeated the details of it that I had discussed in the paper. Essentially, I blamed my ex-wife for the divorce because she changed and became too needy and dependent. Dr. Harvey listened intently, nodding occasionally and often grimacing.

When I finished with my sad tale, Dr. Harvey said he was very sorry. He also said he would be praying for me and for my ex-wife. He was also ready to pray with me. "William," he said, "I've got some good news and bad news. The good news is that you made an A on the paper. It's well researched, thoughtful, and well written." He said that I intellectually understood the dysfunction of dependency, even well enough to teach it one day. Now I felt better, and it occurred to me (arrogantly of course) that the real reason he'd invited me to his office was because he didn't want to embarrass the other, mostly older, students with this glowing feedback. But he quickly put an end to those fantasies.

"But here's bad news. The bad news is that I'm giving you an F in life," Dr. Harvey told me, skewering my ego. "Son, I am of the professional opinion that the only thing more dysfunctional than a codependent, which is your soon-to-be-ex-wife, is a prodependent, which is you. You created this dynamic. I bet you had to make every decision. I suspect you had to solve every problem. I bet you had to have the last word in every argument. And, I'd bet that you were always right. Now you want me to feel sorry for you, but I don't. Not at all. I feel sorry for her."

In the span of a few seconds I had gone from feeling proud and invincible to feeling defeated and hopeless. Then he expressed in very direct, colorful language that he really resented my coming into his office and trying to manipulate him into feeling sorry for me, telling me that I was "in way over [my] head." He was very angry and strongly suggested that I never, ever do that to him again.

Then he really schooled me.

He said that if I truly wanted to learn something during my time at GW — and, by the way, do the rest of the world a big favor — I should spend the next four or five years figuring out how my own failings led to my divorce. His final words to me as I left his office were along the lines of this: "William, I'm going to level with you; I doubt very seriously you're going to graduate from this program. You've gone through life never getting out of third gear, and you'll never get past me unless you're in overdrive, assuming you even have an overdrive.

"And, to make matters worse," he continued, "you have a South Carolina chip on your shoulder. That alone will make it virtually impossible for you to be truly open and receptive to the prayers I plan to have with you. But, if you take the next few years and figure out why the hell you did that to her, you'll get your money's worth from the program whether you graduate or not."

With that parting shot, he turned his back and continued reading his Bible. I spent the better part of that evening being angry, castigating the "great" Dr. Harvey. I went out with a few friends for drinks and engaged them in a pity party. My friends sided with me, of course, but deep down I knew that Dr. Harvey was right. The next morning, something transformational happened as I finally admitted that what happened in my marriage was largely my fault and that many had suffered because of my actions. It was a bitter pill to swallow, but I soon discovered that taking personal responsibility allowed me to feel truly awake and engaged in my life for the first time.

Finding Professional Lessons and Personal Relationships

Of course, Dr. Harvey gave me a real gift that day. He forced me to face my own shadow and take responsibility for my actions. You may have a similar story you can recall, when someone forced you to examine your motives, take responsibility, and face down your own shadow. If you've experienced such a cathartic event, you will recognize the following important lessons that I drew from my schooling from Dr. Harvey.

1. Feedback is a gift.

Jerry could have treated me differently and not been so blunt; his feedback really hurt because it was spot on. It was the first time anyone had shown me my own shadow. Jerry saw that I was sad and broken, and vulnerable. He could have told me to hang in there and that everything would be fine. But instead, he told me the truth without worrying about my reaction. My lesson from this experience is to never sugarcoat the truth. When we do this to someone, our dishonesty dishonors them. The ultimate expression of love and respect is to provide candid, direct feedback. Doing so honors the recipient and offers the real possibility of transformation.

2. You are responsible for what you say, not for how the other person responds.

Jerry honored me by not really caring how I might respond to what he told me. We often base our feedback on how we think someone will respond. That is a totally misguided approach. A watered-down version of the truth instead of the hard, cold truth might be met with a positive reaction, but the outcome is mostly ineffective. By intentionally detaching yourself from someone else's reaction, your candor liberates you to be a true agent of change.

3. Personal growth and transformation happen only when we have the courage to face our shadow.

We may desperately want to make a fresh start or move forward, but our repeating behaviors always give us the same unsatisfactory outcomes. Jung did not believe in fate. Instead, he believed that what holds us back are our shadows, always patiently waiting to thwart our best intention to move on. Jung is often credited with saying that we "meet our destiny on the road we took to avoid it." Even though it is painful and uncomfortable, introducing someone to their shadow is the only way to help true growth and lasting change.

In the twenty-plus years since my encounter with Jerry, I have retold this story many times. My intention is to help others take responsibility for their lives and liberate themselves to live up to their ultimate potential. Feedback is indeed a gift. And even though the exchange with Jerry was very painful, it was ultimately the most precious thing anyone has ever given me.

A month before Jerry passed away, we traded emails. He let me know that he wasn't doing well, but he had the My "F" in Life blog printed and posted above his desk. When I told him how much he had meant to me, his response was classic Jerry Harvey: "William, for God's sake you should know by now that I take no credit for any growth you may have experienced during your time with me, nor any blame for future regression."

Rest in peace, Dr. Harvey. I suspect your musings are keeping your heavenly neighbors on their toes, and in stitches.

Introduction to Actualized Leadership

A comprehensive framework for the Actualized Leadership model is provided in Chapter 3, but I want to provide an introduction and overview now to anchor the material in Chapter 2. If you have not yet done so, I encourage you to complete the free assessment included with this book, the Actualized Leader Profile (Short Form), here: http://www.ALPFree.com.

After you submit your responses, you will be taken immediately to your profile results that will provide a leader style summary and estimation of your current degree of self-actualization. (Please note: If you would like to complete the full version of the ALP, which includes scores for all three motive needs and leader styles, your current degree of self-actualization, and your score on both the 9 Attributes of Actualized Leaders and the 3 Sequences of Self-Actualization, please visit http://www.DrWillSparks.com/ALPoffer.)

The Actualized Leadership model is based on assessing your dominant motive needs. There are three distinct motive needs that drive our behavior and leadership style: achievement, affiliation, and power. Each motive need predicts a specific style of leadership, and each corresponds to a distinct leadership shadow and behavioral tendencies. Table 1.1 provides an overview and summary of the Actualized Leadership model. A comprehensive overview of the framework, including a summary of the theoretical components of the model, is outlined in Chapter 3.

In addition to the three leader styles and leadership shadows, the framework discusses the characteristics, or attributes, of actualized leaders. Whether you are an Achiever, Affirmer, or Asserter, the goal is to become actualized in your style so that you can more effectively manage both the frequency and the intensity of your leadership shadow. Based on years of research and quantitative assessment (see Appendix C), the Actualized Leadership model identifies nine characteristics of self-actualized individuals, what I refer to as the 9 Attributes of Actualized Leaders. These nine attributes are organized in three domains: cognition (how actualized leaders think), emotion (how actualized leaders feel), and behavior (what actualized leaders do). There are three attributes in each domain, resulting in a total of nine. Connecting together one attribute from each of the three domains results in a "sequence" of self-actualization. The 3 Sequences of Self-Actualization are Confidence, Performance, and Renewal. Table 1.2 provides an overview of both the 9 Attributes of Actualized Leaders and the 3 Sequences of Self-Actualization. Both of these concepts are discussed in great detail, and each attribute includes an interview from an organizational leader, in Part III of the book (Chapters 5–8).