Understanding Your Relationship with Money

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Getting the Root of the Problem

At the moment of commitment,
the universe conspires to assist you.

— BARBRA STREISAND

You picked up this book, so chances are you're feeling some concern or discomfort around your financial life, be it a sense of instability, chronic unmanageability, or simply a lack of knowledge about your finances. Maybe you're worried about your future or struggling just to make it month to month. Have you been plagued with money problems for years? Are you watching your resources dwindle? Have you tried countless times to figure your way out of your financial mess, only to find yourself in it over and over again? Are your worries about money occupying more of your energy than feels comfortable? Are you keeping financial secrets, afraid of the shame you'll feel if they're discovered? Do you argue about money with your loved ones? Is your health, emotional well-being, or quality of life compromised by your concerns about money? Are you just sick of living on the edge?

If you answer yes to one or more of these questions — and you're willing to commit to a process that will fundamentally change your relationship with money — you're ready to begin your own Financial Recovery.

This process has brought transformation to my life and to the lives of those who have embraced it. You've likely tried many things to improve your situation and stabilize your spending or debt. People who have tried and failed in other attempts to change their money behaviors have found the practical and emotional support they need in Financial Recovery.

Many people hit rock bottom in their relationship with money before getting help. They feel desperate and unable to figure out how to change their financial circumstances. But you don't have to wait to reverse the downward spiral and begin your process of Financial Recovery. No matter how severe your money issues are, you can reverse course and move toward a healthier relationship with money, starting today.

There came a moment for me, as there is for so many who struggle in their relationship with money, when I could no longer deny that I'd been overcome by the consequences of my financial behaviors. I realized that every attempt I'd made to fix my financial troubles and change my money behaviors had failed. Something had to change, and that something was me. I had to look at all I'd been avoiding and let go of the fantasy that I could manage things. Everything I'd been tolerating — the stress, the obsessing, the worrying, the secrecy — all became intolerable. I felt broken, isolated, alone, and ashamed. Emotionally exhausted and spiritually depleted, I had to recognize the truth. I had to let go of the illusion that I could think my way out of this problem, that I could figure it out.

Freedom comes when we reach a place of admitting that our best efforts and sincerest intentions haven't worked to improve our financial lives. Many of us find ourselves in a troubling relationship with money, lacking the skills and tools for good money management and underestimating the emotional aspects of what may be driving our behaviors with money. This is when a freeing realization sets in: I can't do this on my own.

If you're someone who has struggled in your relationship with money, I'll say to you what I say to clients: "It doesn't ever have to be this bad again." Your financial life can begin to improve right now, right here, with the information and ideas you'll get from these pages. You can begin Financial Recovery right this minute.

The Root of the Problem

Most people assume that not having enough money is the cause of their financial struggles. While "not enough" can sometimes be a problem, it is often not the primary problem. At the root of many, if not most, people's ongoing financial trouble is an unhealthy relationship with money.

When I started to counsel people in the Financial Recovery process, I assumed that clients would come to me wanting simple debt repayment plans or advice on spending and saving — basically, information about money. But I discovered over time that the vast majority of my clients knew that it was not just information they needed. They wanted to understand their relationship with money and make lasting changes. People with ongoing financial challenges, cyclic patterns, and recurring money dramas usually understand that their problems with money have little to do with math — they're about their relationship with money.

Joe and Valerie knew they had to change their relationship with money.

Joe and Valerie did not have to lose everything to become willing to change their relationship with money. For others, this realization comes only after things have gotten much worse. Some people, such as Julia, become so overwhelmed by money problems that they put their lives at risk.

Stories like Julia's and Joe and Valerie's are fairly common among people who are struggling in their relationship with money. You might be thinking, "I can't have a relationship with money. It's just there. Money is just a thing," or, "I don't even want to think about money, much less have a relationship with it!"

For many of us, our relationship with money is similar to the one we have with our car: we don't really want to understand what's going on under the hood; we just want it to work and take us where we want to go without any trouble. And hey, we're realistic. We know the car needs gas. We realize we have to put a little fuel and care into the thing, but beyond that we don't want to hassle with it. That's our wish with money too.

Others want money to be like Santa Claus, a benevolent force that asks nothing of us but still shows up with a bagful of goodies. We want money to appear when we want it and need it, to grant our desires, get us out of trouble, and take care of us.

I understand and have felt this way too. I once thought my trouble with money was that I simply didn't have enough of it. That was true in my childhood and young adulthood. More would certainly fix things, I thought. I felt empty and deprived when I had nothing. Then, when I got money, I ended up spending it recklessly and still felt empty and deprived. This behavior said a lot more about my relationship with money than about how much of it I had.

It has become clear to me that absolutely everyone has a relationship with money — whether they want to or not, and whether they know it or not. The relationship may be harmonious or it may be acrimonious, distant or obsessive. It may be conscious or unconscious,...