Knowing ME

Who Is This Woman Called ME?

GETTING BEYOND THE IMAGE TO UNLEASH THE TRUE YOU

Icringe to think about the amount of time I have spent listening to women (and listening to myself ) obsess over finding the right man or making the wrong man right. And for what result? Countless wasted hours spent on the phone and far too many glasses of wine consumed! Like a broken record, we complain about, analyze, and cry over men and our unmet desires for them to love us, to hold us, to marry us, and to do [fill in the blank] to us, with us, and for us. I myself have been guilty of starting far too many sentences with "If only he ..."

This useless chatter among women has got to stop. No matter how many conversations, bottles of wine, or buckets of tears, the reality is that nothing ever really shifts when we point fingers at everything and everyone else. WE and HE never change until ME does. No matter how hard we try or how valiant the effort, we have absolutely no control over anyone but ourselves. The harder we try to manipulate, fix, or save our men and our relationships, the more exhausted and resigned we become, without ending up any better off.

Fortunately, there's another option available, and that is to really get to know ourselves. Not the images we present to the world, but the truest expression of ME. The quality of our relationships, and everything in life for that matter, starts with ME, not the other way around. We ultimately determine the HE and the WE by who we choose to be. It's as straightforward as an equation: one ME + one HE = two people creating one WE.

Our relationships are mirrors of ourselves. If we are emotionally, mentally, or spiritually unhealthy, our relationships become reflections of our wounds. Our partners reflect how we honestly feel about ourselves. If we don't respect and honor ME, neither will our partners. If we don't feel whole within ourselves, we will find a mate to fill in the holes for us — hello codependency!

I finally figured out this dynamic after recognizing the universal phenomenon called the Law of Attraction. In its simplest form, this law states, "Like attracts like." Translated to relationships, it means we attract people like us, men who reflect exactly how we feel about ourselves. Truly love yourself, and you can manifest a man who has the capacity to love unconditionally. Live as an unhappy victim of your circumstances, and along will come a mate to help you create that reality. If you are somewhere in between unwavering self-love and self-loathing victimization, it could go either way — good or bad. Yes, whether you like it or not, you are 100 percent responsible for the partner you attract and keep in your life. Only by changing your inner self can you alter your reality and relationship.

Law of Attraction: Like attracts like, so what kind of HE is your ME attracting?

What's Going On Inside YOU?

Let's face it. Not a person walking this earth is perfect. In fact, perfection is an unattainable and rather ridiculous goal. Imagine how much trouble we'd avoid if we could just surrender to our imperfection and let everyone else off the hook too, especially our mates. This would free us up to focus on the only part of the equation under our control — ME. All our relationships begin with ME ... leaving us with three options:

OPTION 1: unhealthy ME + unhealthy HE = unhealthy WE

OPTION 2: healthy ME + unhealthy HE = still an unhealthy WE

OPTION 3: healthy ME + healthy HE = finally, a healthy WE

How "healthy" are you? And I'm not referring to your physical shape. Healthiness, in this context, isn't about a good heart rate, an impressive résumé, a stable financial portfolio, or doing the "right" things. It isn't about eating good foods, practicing yoga, or completing a few rounds of therapy. While all these things contribute to a healthier and more complete you, I'm talking about real, solid emotional, mental, and spiritual health, the kind that comes from a deep acceptance of and connection to your truest self. I'm speaking of the kind of sovereignty you carry in your core, always knowing that you are enough, with or without a man, exactly as you are right now. It is the deep belief inside your soul that you are whole and complete in and of yourself.

From this place of health and wholeness, we take 100 percent responsibility for our lives and everything in them, including our relationships. Awake to who we are, who we've been, and who we're becoming, we make conscious choices. We stop reacting, stop being unaware of and irresponsible about our own impact on our lives, and we start taking control of our existence. Only then can we stop settling for less and stop believing that "some" is better than none. Only then do we start creating the lives and relationships we want.

The length and path of your individual journey to health and wholeness will differ from that of every other woman, but make no mistake, everyone must make such a journey; no one gets a free pass. We all carry wounds. We all seek to more deeply know ourselves. We all must take an active role in our own emotional, mental, and spiritual health.

Being healthy and whole demands that at some point we do, at the very least, three things, in no particular order. One, we awaken to who we really are, separate from any outside influences, and embrace our truest selves — the best, the worst, and everything in between. This requires nothing short of brutally honest and compassionate self-awareness. Two, we commit to being and living our truest selves for the rest of our lives — self-awareness that sticks around forever. And three, we stand face-to-face with our fears and pain and heal them, making ourselves whole again.

Before self-awareness hit me smack in the face, thanks in large part to my shock at my fiancé's departure, I was blind to how unhealthy and "holey" I really was. My operating principle for life had always been "I'm fine. Everything's fine. No big problems here." If someone had asked me back then, "Are you healthy? Are you whole, in and of yourself?" honestly, I would have thought that person was a nutcase. I wasn't in the market for a shrink, and self-help lingo wasn't in my vocabulary. Working hard to keep my facade of a happy life and relationship intact, I labored to shove self-awareness away with the tactics I knew best: dismissal, sarcasm, and righteous self-confidence. I was, after all, "doing just fine."

Sure, I knew I had some unresolved issues, but I was oblivious to the depth of my grief and insecurity. How would I have known? I was "doing" my life really well — great...