The RULES of USAGE

Almost instinctively, the first question we ask is "What do I pray for?" There are two kinds of praying: for purpose and for object. The first is concerned with the reason for praying while the second involves what the prayer asks for. The first recognizes that all prayers have an intention and the second that all prayers are petitions. The rules of this section seek to answer both sides of the question "What do I pray for?" in such a way that praying stays centered on its primary function: relating to the Great Other.

1. Pray for yourself.

This is not being selfish; this is where you start. Fundamentally, prayer is about your relationship with God. You are the one communicating, and central to that communication is putting yourself in relationship with God. The real you must be present — no one else, no others, no false selves. This is your expression and yours alone. Too many people use false humility to avoid praying. "I'm too bad to pray" or "I don't know what to pray about." Others simply try to fool God by pretending to be other than who they really are. This is the one communication where it is utterly safe to be who you really are. God expects your true self to show up.

One of the best examples of being your true self in prayer comes in the closing moments of the movie Cool Hand Luke when, trapped in a church, the serial escapee Luke turns to God and prays to "the Old Man." His prayer is completely in character: direct, honest, and totally congruent with who he is. He isn't afraid that God will reject that self. (He is also not really sure whether it is worth praying.) When I first saw this scene in a theater many years ago, I was startled by its directness. Here were no formal addresses, no stultifying language, no pieties — just direct, real speech. Nothing comes between Luke and "the Old Man." It is just the two of them, two selves interacting. It changed my long-standing attitude that prayer was formal and impersonal and made it more realizable for me.

Similarly, a young mother drew me aside one Sunday after church to discuss a problem. We stood in my office, with me itching to get out of my robes and stole and get a cup of coffee. "This prayer thing doesn't seem to be working for me," she told me. I asked her to explain. She listed the things she prayed for and explained how she saw no improvements in any of them. I was about to give her a standard answer involving the inscrutability of God's intentions when she added, "I'm not sure God cares about me." That stopped me cold. I asked her if she had prayed about that uncertainty. She replied she had not, that it seemed selfish, unworthy. I realized that prayer was external to her, a form to be filled out and sent in, her spiritual income tax. I told her that what she needed to pray about was how she kept God at arm's length. I explained that prayer was about relating to God and making that relationship more central to her prayer would help it become more meaningful to her. We agreed to meet again and after a few follow-up talks she began to feel more comfortable with prayer.

The self who prays is both the intention and the object of the prayer. God accepts the real you and will respond to who you are, so the real you has to show up. It is simply the way it works.

O God, my needs seem so small, so insignificant when compared to yours. Hear my prayer and open your heart as I open mine. I bring who I am, who I hope to be. Dwell in me that I might dwell in the world as you intend me to be. Let your will for me become my desire. Let me be your prayer to the world.

Amen.

2. Pray for your concerns.

Whatever most occupies your consciousness is your true concern. The events, worries, problems, joys, and excitements of your life are the first things you should mention in prayer. They are easiest to pray about because they sit at the forefront of your awareness. You don't have to spend a lot of time thinking up stuff to pray about; you simply start with "this bothers me" or "this excites me."

Identifying what most concerns you helps you face what most concerns you. This is the old tactic of "naming the demon." When you identify your problems you take a major step toward handling them. Praying won't necessarily resolve your vexing concerns, but it will help you identify them and keep them in perspective. Once you start the process you will find yourself sorting out what does and doesn't really concern you. In other words, your worries will be given priority and you'll find them more manageable. The first requirement is being honest with yourself. That commitment points you in the right direction from the outset.

I was once attended a clergy luncheon about race relations. The convening clergyman, who happened to be white, closed the meeting with a prayer. We had discussed both national and local race issues during the day and the group, which was made up of many different races, had a fruitful and helpful gathering. However, as the minister prayed I felt a poke in my side from the friend and colleague who sat beside me. He rolled his eyes and shook his head. He knew I was thinking the same thing he was. Afterward, in the safety of the parking lot, we talked about our disrespectful reaction. The prayer was the way to close the meeting, but its content and delivery belied its sincerity. His tone was condescending, he used pat phrases that didn't ring authentic, and the whole effort felt out of key. In the words of my friend, he was faking it; there was no real concern about race in his words. To me with my Southern heritage he sounded like "Massa extolling the good darkies." That is not the kind of prayer you present to God when you really care. Think about it: when something really concerns you it is clear in your language and tone. God deserves no less.

Keep me focused, O God, upon my troubled heart. Help me hear the cries of concern that echo there and help me strive after the path of resolution that you would have me follow. May your Love be my watchword, and my life be a help to those in need through your strength.

Amen.

3. Pray for what counts.

Once you have identified your concerns, you then have to determine what you can and can't do about them. You have to understand the connection between what you are feeling and how to turn that feeling into appropriate action. Good prayer always helps. Once you identify your true concerns, you can generally figure out how to act. This is what counts. You can pray all you want about world peace for example. You can tell God that you want the world to be at peace until you are blue in the face and God probably is too. This may make you feel better, but it is a shallow feeling, one without staying power.

The next question is crucial: "What can I do to promote world peace?" Then you began to see your way forward. Maybe you'll study...