CHAPTER 1

let go

Tending your own garden is a soul-searching commitment.

I have found that it's very easy to deny how "attached" we are to the presence of theothers who are journeying with us. It's surely never wrong to be attentive to the presenceof the many others around us. In fact, being attentive, witnessing the lives of others, is thehighest compliment we can pay them, and one we should make. But letting anyone elsetake center stage in the drama of our life is the very thing that prevents us from actuallyliving our own life. Letting any one of the many others journeying with us have the centralrole on our stage means we live in the wings of their life. Remaining central on our ownstage is the goal of a life well lived.

Accepting that other people are instrumental to our growth and our personal discoveriesas well as our joy is far different from dancing around them and thinking that's the purposefor which we, and they, were born. But if dancing too close to others has been yourprimary focus in life up until now, get ready for a great ride. There is another way to live,and with the help of this book and the guidelines it offers, you are about to begin thepractice of that new way. I think you will be thrilled by the changes in perception you willbegin to experience. Remember, it's not about leaving any particular person behind, orany relationship behind. Rather, it's about daily discovering and then maintaining the rightbalance of anyone else's presence.

Changing Old Behaviors

The cultivation of new behaviors can only make sense if we have a clear picture of our oldbehaviors. So that's where we must begin. We will look closely at ourselves to see andappreciate all of whom we currently are. Just because we are intent on making changesdoesn't mean we should disgustedly discard the person we were before we committed tochange. We can only be where we are. Where we go next is the purpose of thisundertaking. As the saying goes, "Wherever we go, there we are," but we "are" who wewant to be in the next moment if we are intent on becoming the corn or the butterfly ratherthan remaining the seedling or the cocoon.

I want to reiterate, the intent of this workbook is not to make us feel ashamed about whowe were last year or even yesterday. We were the best we could be at that time. But thatwas then. We are in a new space, a new moment, now. This book drew your attention, sothe time is right to make some changes in how you think and act.

Look at Your Old Behaviors

Let's begin our investigation.

Who do you think you need to "watch over" right now? Your spouse? Your son ordaughter? Maybe a good friend who has always clung to you? And why?

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What do you think would happen if you walked away from those people and gave up yoursuggestions about how they might live (which, to be honest, is a subterfuge anyway)?

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Expecting them to do your will—in other words, do exactly as you have planned—isactually your agenda, isn't it? What would happen if you let them sort out their own plansor goals, or solve their own challenges?

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Are you afraid they would be lost to you if you turned them loose? How would that look?

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Are you concerned that without your attention to their life, they'd discover they don't needyou?

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Are you afraid they would seek a new "caretaker"?

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What are your most common behaviors with them?

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Do you make unwanted or unnecessary suggestions?

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Do you try to subtly manipulate what they might be thinking or planning to do?

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How do you feel when confronted about your actions?

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Fostering New Behaviors

Envision how your life could or would look if you paid more attention to it, rather than tothe life of someone else. Might you change careers, go back to school, downsize yourhome, pick up a hobby that you have always secretly longed to do but for which you feltyou had too little time? Dream big. Be daring with your thoughts. Dreaming doesn't commityou to fulfilling the desired change yet, but it is the hook that can pull you into forwardmotion.

I have a friend who decided to take up ballroom dancing a few years ago. Her spousewasn't interested, but she decided to live out her dream anyway. Her shifting her focus toher own life actually improved their marriage. Another friend joined a fiction-writing group.She doubts she will ever publish one of her short stories, but she has gone on to takemany classes and loves the connections she has...