CHAPTER 1

FIRST PRINCIPLES OF FAERIE

The Pernicious Pervasiveness of Faerie • The Brownie: A Misunderstood Fairy • ItsAmbitions • The Boggart • Finding Its Lair and Motives • Methods of Routing • A SampleLetter • Maelstrom

Seen from the outside, the life of a dashing country gentleman such as myselfmust look like an endless parade of pleasure. Whilst I'll admit that this observation isfundamentally true, there isn't a single activity—no pheasant shoot, no cricket match, noafternoon of riverbank angling—that is not saturated with potential interference from thatmost ancient and insufferable people, the fairies. Perhaps the most unsettling quality ofthese so-called "goodpeople" is how they have insinuated themselves into every aspect ofdaily life. Far from being content to contain their caperings to the sylvan grove, nor to halttheir march at the front gate or flower bed, these bogeys of childhood nightmare and adultparanoia are to be found nearly anywhere one might cast a glance. In my own life, thefairies and their mischievous pranks have caused me no end of trouble, scaring off myentire household staff, souring many of my closest friendships, and exacting unwantedexpense and worry until all I'm left with are a few tattered scraps of sanity. These I raiseas war banner against the fey. I beseech you to rally beside me.

Of all the innumerable types of fairies, the one most commonly encountered, yet also themost commonly misunderstood, is the brownie. Here is a nocturnal fairy "helper" whostands no taller than the spout of one's teapot, yet is able to single-handedly carry out anastonishing number of household tasks. Renowned historically for its knack for churningbutter and grinding wheat into flour, the modern brownie has mastered a repertoirerevolving around pressed laundry and freshly brewed cups of tea. In exchange for itslabour, it might skim a dram of milk from the bottle or gnaw the occasional simple crust ofbread.

It sounds pleasant enough, having one of these magnificently industrious creaturesscampering about, but the household harbouring a brownie would do better to consideritself not blessed but beset.

I say "beset" because in truth the brownie is nothing but a ruthless social climber. In themists of antiquity, brownies were simple spirits of the earth. Yet as civilisation grew, theseambitious fairies hitched a ride, haunting hearthstones and lurking in linen baskets, bidingtheir time until they themselves could have proper houses of their own. Now these jealouscreatures live in a limbo-land between the Fairy Kingdom and our own world, residents ofboth places but full citizens of neither. By serving us endless cups of tea and pressing ourclothes into immaculate crispness, they hope to ingratiate themselves upon us. They hopeto become, in a word, men.

This is a preposterous state of affairs.

Even though the brownies are ignorant of their rightful place, I could almost be persuadedto adopt them into the fold; they're that fantastically useful. What stays my heart, though,is the brownie's fatal flaw—bitterness. Eons of toil have built up a terrible supply of enmityin them, and this much rage, condensed into the brownie's tiny frame, is little more than apowder keg, one sporting the shortest of fuses. The brownie is a learned scholar of itsown twisted version of etiquette, and the slightest affront to its sensibilities can send it intoa murderous rage, twisting its form into that of the monstrous boggart, as destructive asthe brownie is helpful. Whilst a home hosting a brownie lodger may be the picture ofcomfort and peace, the coming of the boggart is the undoing of all of this and is asdisquieting as a herd of wild boars let loose in the parlour.

So should you awaken one morning to discover an unexplained cup of impeccably brewedtea atop your kitchen counter or slide open your dresser drawer to find a stack of perfectlyironed handkerchiefs, rejoice not. Instead, I urge you to commence with the followingsequence of proven countermeasures. The brownie depends upon your gratitude, and themore of its ingratiating favours you allow yourself, the more difficult it will be to rid yourhome of the sycophantic squatter, who will inevitably transform and throw into turmoil allyou have worked so hard to achieve.

Firstly, you must locate precisely where in your household the brownie has set upresidence. Brownies are at the bottom of the barrel figuratively and quite often literally.Upturn your entire home until you find its hidey-hole. Open all the kitchen cabinets andpull out their contents, especially from seldom-used cupboards. Worry not about upsettingthe brownie in his lair. If he hears you coming, he will flee in modesty and shame, hopingthat you will overlook his home.

The purpose of this search is not to catch the brownie but rather to see exactly what hisaspirations are. A miniature dormitory set up in the back of a cupboard may be recognisedby a doll's house bed and tiny grass mat arranged in mock domesticity by the brownie.Once you find them, look more closely. What you are after are details. A framed Queen'sheadpostage stamp or a coronation tea cup now employed as a bathtub indicates you'vegot a miniscule royalist in your midst. A preserved dragonfly or a stuffed shrew shows upthe work of a budding naturalist. Quickly take a series of mental notes and be careful notto disturb anything you chance upon. You wish only to observe and depart, before thebrownie musters the courage to return and sees what you're up to.

Once you have determined to your satisfaction the particular longings of your household'sambitious stowaway, you are ready to take real steps towards its removal. And how is abrownie infestation such as this best handled, you may ask? Perhaps with poison, traps,or dogs? These are all perfectly effective methods against lesser vermin, but none of themare sufficient to withstand the wrath of the boggart. What this situation calls for is tact,cunning, and above all, kindness, even if it is the sort which is only feinted at.

The way to deal with any such freeloader is to thank him overmuch, to play on hisinsecurities and let him know, in a roundabout way, that he has no hope of ever escapinghis Faerie origins and joining the world of men, at least not in this household. Get thee to atailor, my friend, and take a brownie-sized doll with you. Commission a suit of clothingperfect for your brownie's...