CHAPTER 1

12 Step for the Rest of Us

I'm not sure why you're reading this book right now. Maybe someone who loves youand is concerned for you gave you this book. Maybe you picked it up becauseyou're worried about yourself. Maybe you're already searching through 12-Stepcommunities but feel like your needs aren't being addressed. Maybe you've beenin a 12-Step program but don't like any of the literature. Whatever it may be,my goal is to help you move past your problems into the next phase of your life.

What I'm going to assume is that you don't fit in well with others. Maybe thisis true; maybe it's how you feel about yourself. Regardless of the truth of thematter, you're not comfortable with the status quo. You're wary of being one ofthe herd. If everyone goes in one door, you want to go out the window. Ifeveryone jumps off a cliff, you jump off a bridge. What I'm saying is, you maynot be making the right decisions, but at least you're not making the same wrongdecisions that everyone else is making. From this perspective, 12-Step programsare a scary place.

What I'm going to assume is that you don't fit in well with others.

At the beginning, everyone mumbles out the same prayer from memory. That's anauspicious start to any group meeting. You don't like prayers, you don't likegroup chantings. Everyone's sharing a brain, you think. This is the Borg. Is itsome kind of weird cult? Then it gets worse.

Somebody says a name. Everyone, in unison, greets that person with the samegreeting. That person talks, and tells some horrible story, during which therest of the group laughs. What the fuck? What is so fucking funny? Then it getsworse.

How much coffee can these people drink? Halfway through this meeting, a goodportion of the room got up to go outside and smoke, and they were smoking rightbefore it started; isn't that an addiction too? Then it gets worse.

The guy who drives my shuttle bus every day just told the room that he's ahorrible crack addict. He has six months clean ... that means he was allcracked out driving me to work every day for years. Over there is the cranky guyfrom the corner deli. Is that my ex sitting in the front row? Dude, there are atleast three bartenders in here right now.

All of this inner dialogue is normal. 12 Step is a little freaky at first.You'll see all kinds of people from your life, both dear friends and people yourecognize from the neighborhood but don't really know. What you're going to haveto get over is your preconception that these people have nothing to offer you,that they have nothing in common with you.

I've been around many different subcultures since the '80s. Punks, skinheads,Goths, skaters, rockabillies, Wiccans, vegans, slam poets, comedians, break-dancers,bikers, hip-hop thugs, gangstas both real and self-imagined. Insideeach of these subcultures are even smaller subcultures: anarchists, animalrights activists, tech geeks, graffiti artists. I've been close by many of thesegroups but never felt like I was fully a part of any of them.

I've been around many different subcultures since the '80s ... but never feltlike I was fully a part of any of them.

When it comes down to it, I'm a loner. Lonerism is a self-inflicted lifestyle. Iisolate from others. If I find out that I'm fitting into a group, I find reasonsthat I don't fit so I can feel left out. I use my skepticism and cynicism todistance myself from the group mentality. It's saved me from joining gangs,mobs, and groups that would not be good for me; it has also kept me fromdeveloping the close relationships that I needed to grow as a person. No matterwhether the group accepts me or not, I don't accept that I'm a part of it.

People who can readily accept being part of a group will take to 12-Steprecovery much faster. Those who don't question the immediate help and friendshipoffered by the group will embrace the overwhelmingly positive parts of theprogram. It's a secure feeling to them that there are rooms full of peoplewilling to help in nearly every capacity. But for you, You-Who-Do-Not-Fit-In,it's going to take some work. This book is for you.

Three Types of People

For our purposes, there are three types of people out there: Normies, Addicts,and Recovering Addicts. Normies are the normal people, who drink now and thenand maybe tried drugs, but for some reason, they don't get addicted oroverindulge. Addicts are people for whom drug and alcohol use supersede personalwill. Recovering Addicts are addicts who no longer use and work to remove theobsession to use. This book is written for all three types, but mainly forsomeone who wants to move from the second group into the third.

Nature Versus Nurture

Why do some people get addicted and others don't? Is it genetic? Or is it aproduct of one's immediate culture? Are you born an addict or made into one?From a purely observational point of view, I think it's a combination of both.The only reason it matters is so that you see you shouldn't take an extendedbreak from using or try to cut back. You have a lifetime of stimuli and aphysiology that makes drinking and drug use entirely dangerous.

My point of view is this: You may start a Normie, but once you become an Addict,you can't go back to being a Normie, and once you become a Recovering Addict,you can't go back to being an Addict. People will fight me on the last part ofthis when they read it, but stay with me, I'll explain. This movement acrossdefinitions is an evolution of character. Once you make the successfultransformation, you don't go back.

I started a Normie. I didn't touch a thing until I was seventeen. I didn'tdrink, smoke pot, or even smoke cigarettes until then. I drank when I had easyaccess to it and when it would not jeopardize my situation. I didn't go out ofmy way to find it, nor did I use it if I thought it wasn't prudent at the time.But when I did drink, I drank to get as fucked up as possible. That was a badhabit that led me to being an addict.

I come from a line of alcoholics, like many alcoholics do. On the nature side ofthings, I know that there was a history in my family. On the nurture side ofthings, while my father never drank, he was raised by a drunk, and thereforeacted like one all the time, what we call a "dry drunk." It's the way he learnedhow to deal with other people.

There were always a lot of people in my house. I have two sisters. There wereusually cousins or a student of my father's living with us. During the summers,my mother's sister would come with her kids and stay with us. There were variousmembers of my dad's church who came for indeterminate amounts of time. I bringthis up because of our food situation and my lack...